DS hurt another child, so humiliated

[ToddlerIs2]

So there's a boy that annoys DS. Seems to revel in winding DS up just to before the point where he's actively naughty. Not an excuse, just context.

Today the child, C, did something annoying but not something that harmed DS - screwed up some paper on the table. DS thought he was going to throw it at him so DS pushed down on C's hand to make him drop the paper, hurting C.

Happened right at the end of school so DS was told off and sent to another classroom for the last half hour but no time to discuss punishment with SLT.

I just feel so humiliated that school will think he's a violent child who witnessed violence in the home and it just acting out his upbringing. This isn't the case.

I've told him he's looking at an internal exclusion (for deliberately putting hands on C to hurt him) and once I can talk to DH tomorrow a punishment at home. I've told him if this happens again he'll end up excluded permanently and he won't be able to see his friends. He hates the idea of being homeschooled. I've explained that being internally excluded could mean him missing photo day with his brothers in school and a cultural day. No pint grounding him, he doesn't go out without us, even Cubs he goes to with me. He's not allowed to play his game tonight or on YouTube later.

What punishment would you give and how the fuck is this my life and my child? I don't understand where we've gone wrong or how I'm meant to stop this given I don't know where I've messed up as a parent.

I'm so angry with him and me.

He's been punished at school he shouldn't be punished again at home. Have a word with school if the other lad wasn't such a little shit he wouldn't have done it. Does the other child ever get punished for winding him up?

Crikey. Hitting someone over the head with a brick could have been just as life threatening as a knife attack……

I guess that's why his life is fucked eh, shit Mom he'd do better off without.

OP, obviously I agree with all the other posters regarding your overreaction (it's really not a big deal) but I'm more concerned about these repeated lines.

Why do you think you are a 'shit mom'? You clearly aren't, an anxious one, but also one who cares. You have done nothing wrong, and your DS has only done normal 8-year old stuff.

Is there more going on? As this is worrying and sounds like you need some help.

And that's another massive over-reaction.

Hitting someone over the head with a brick could have been just as life threatening as a knife attack……

Yes! There's over-reaction ... and then a definite under-reaction by that poster (albeit 35 years ago!)

OP, in the kindest way, calm down. This is such a non-incident.

OP, you’re not a shit Mom. I think this is more about you than him. No one is going to think that a minor physical act on the part of an eight year old boy is an indication of violence at home. It is not humiliating.
You need to speak to the school about the boy who is annoying/ bullying your son, and you need to let your son know that you have his back.
What happens in school stays in school. I think the school is excessive in its punishment, but certainly no further punishment is needed.

OP, you sound worried about your son’s behaviour.

Putting this particular incident to one side for a moment, do you think it might be worth discussing your concerns with the school SENDCO?

Your posts suggest a high level of anxiety in both you and your DS. This alone is worth further investigation, as anxiety can be a symptom of other issues. Ask school if they have any general concerns about his behaviour, rather than catastrophising.

I think you might benefit from a bit of talking therapy? You do sound very Anxious and like you may be struggling. I used to be just like you, my two boys are Autistic and it got to the point I would be having panic attacks while they where at school waiting to find out if they had been disruptive or violent, I would drop them.off and walk home in tears I was so nervous but now they are diagnosed, I have good school support, had some help myself and I now have a much better understanding of myself and my children and a much thicker skin.

You're not a shit mum- you sound like a very anxious mum. I used to teach this age group and this type of misunderstanding incident is incredibly normal. All kids mess up sometimes- and this doesn't sound like an enormous deal on the face of it. I've known absolutely lovely kids do something in the heat of the moment, and it doesn't sound like your son actually intended to hurt the other child. I can see why he thought the other kid might throw it at him if that's the sort of thing that normally happens.

It seems to me like your son needs space from the people who are winding him up, both his siblings and this boy at school who sounds like a bully. He sounds like he's being pushed to the limit, it's not an excuse for being physical but he'll be in a better position to learn better strategies when he's not being wound up all the time.

I'd ask the school to do whatever they can to separate your son from this other child, so no sitting together and keeping an eye for situations in class. I'd also raise it with any new teachers, like when he goes up a year group so they know you don't want them together. Teachers don't always appreciate being asked to alter seating plans but this is one of those situations where you need to get involved, the teacher won't want them near each other any more than you do once they understand the situation.

Your son also imo needs space from his siblings at home- not just 1:1 and time out of the house, he needs to be able to have space from them whenever he needs it and you need to be firm with the younger ones that when he asks to be left alone, they have to leave him alone. He needs to know that he can walk away when he's getting wound up and you'll back him up in getting some peace.

I'd also gently suggest you find some strategies to manage your anxiety. This situation needs to be sorted out, but it's not the end of the world. And your son is being bullied- I wouldn't be too harsh with the punishments at home.

Why do you keep sarcastically calling yourself a 'shit mom' when someone is critical ? This is AIBU after all, and posters are entitled to their opinions .

Any chance your school has another year 4 class? Can you get him separated from that boy?

I think the school are OTT with their reactions so can understand why you are stressed.

You definitely aren't a shit mum, you are just having a stressful time- take a deep breath and tomorrow is another day.

Because she's obviously stressed, give her a break

@ToddlerIs2 oh Sweetheart, you sound so overwhelmed....It is difficult to take care of a single child of three. I can't even imagine trying to take care of twins.

You are doing a great job being a mom to your boys. Do you have just 3 DSs or do you also have older children?

Well I guess that's why his life is fucked eh, shit Mom he'd do better off without.

I have reported this post, OP. You are posting some deeply concerning things about yourself and on the face of it, I’m worried for your wellbeing.

OP - please calm down about this incident . You are not a shit mum even if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed in this scenario . Parenting is tough and none of us get a handbook. School will punish him , you don’t need to add to it . Talk it through and say you are not happy about it so that he knows you think he’s crossed a line not just school . At 8 his brain is not fully developed ,it won’t be until he’s an adult , he hadn’t done anything particularly unusual for a child of that age . Neither is the sibling bundling anything other than pretty normal childhood behaviour. Yes it’s worrying as we all worry about them getting hurt ( and needs addressing) but it doesn’t make them violent thugs !

Once the dust has settled talk to the teacher about moving the two boys apart.

I feel for you OP, I really do as my DS went through a similar patch when he was year 3 and 4,. We don't rough house at home, and he isn't rough with his sister but he had several incidents at school where he was rough with friends when playing. And these were boys that he got along with, definitely no issues but I think DS couldn't control his exuberance during play. After every incident we spoke to him about it, talked about potential consequences as he got older and he seems to have grown out of it now in Y6 and age 11. So take heart OP, breathe .... but also use this as an opportunity to educate your son. Sending a big hug x

I'm curious, how does reporting help her? Will MN HQ send her mental help tips/doctor? or they'll just delete/hide the thread?

I see someone anxiously looking for reassurance/advice.

@ToddlerIs2

Your little boy is just that, little. The school have punished him by sending him out of class and it sounds like they are going to continue punishing him with internal exclusion (!! an oxymoron! This could be a good English grammar lesson for your DS), and you have also punished him.

Why would you feel that you've got to keep punishing him? What will more punishment do? How does being violent (?? really? Violent? Did he break C's hand? Is DS a secret body builder with amazing upper body strength?) equal not only being unable to have fun activities today, but also for the next xx long? And how much punishment will be enough? Never allowed to watch TV or play games again, ever? The next week? Two weeks? 2 months? 2 years? 20 years?

C sounds like a thug.

This wasn't DS's fault. This was the fault of the school. The lad's only been in school for a few years and you've had to go in every year because the school keep putting him with C? There should be something on the school records ensuring that they aren't in the same class anymore.

And DS had a normal trauma informed response to what C was doing.

So, punishment? Take him to the ice cream parlour and get him an ice cream and ask open questions about what's been going on with C, bit try not to lead. Why did he squash C's hand instead of punching him on the nose? What was it about what C was doing that made DS feel unsafe and does he need a cosh for school? Has C made a similar hand shape in the past when he's hit DS? And so on.

Your DS sounds like he's got a lot of energy and likes to rough-house with his younger siblings but doesn't quite understand concepts of strength properly, because he's young.

However, if you think it's too rough, or you're concerned, ask yourself if this behaviour started after C the little toerag started being handsy with DS? If so, this could be trauma related and he's being rough because he finds it hard to verbalise what's happening to him at school, so he's acting out at home.

I already did that for taking an extra sweet at Halloween 🙄

@ToddlerIs2 You sound exhausted and overwhelmed and who wouldn't be with a pair of active 3 year old twins and a possibly jealous and mildly wilful 8 year old. It doesn't make you a shit mum - I reckon it makes you pretty normal.

School are not going to assume that you run a violent household - it's not as if he administered a through beating. Of course he shouldn't have done it BUT remind yourself he did it on the school's watch not yours so it's for them to deal with when he gets in tomorrow.

You've done enough - taking screens away for a while will sink in - you don't need to do more.

Now go find your son, give him a huge hug and tell him you love him regardless and that whatever school decide you'll help him through it. I'm sure h'es upset too and worrying about consequences and he just needs him mum. Tell him you won't talk about it again tonight and settle him down with a hot chocolate or whatever in front of the TV.

There is no need to be humiliated or anxious. He got it wrong, school will deal with it however they think fit and his mum will aways be there for him whatever and tonight, that's all you and he need to know

He’ll probably be a drug addict by year 6 I’d kick him out now

No C had his hand holding the scrunched paper and DS pushed DOWN by his own admission pushed hard and hurt C.

Because where has he learnt this behaviour?

He doesn't sound evil to me. He's been punished by the school and is 8.

Don't feel ashamed. None of this is very terrible. If your son was in his teens it would be different.