DS hurt another child, so humiliated

[ToddlerIs2]

So there's a boy that annoys DS. Seems to revel in winding DS up just to before the point where he's actively naughty. Not an excuse, just context.

Today the child, C, did something annoying but not something that harmed DS - screwed up some paper on the table. DS thought he was going to throw it at him so DS pushed down on C's hand to make him drop the paper, hurting C.

Happened right at the end of school so DS was told off and sent to another classroom for the last half hour but no time to discuss punishment with SLT.

I just feel so humiliated that school will think he's a violent child who witnessed violence in the home and it just acting out his upbringing. This isn't the case.

I've told him he's looking at an internal exclusion (for deliberately putting hands on C to hurt him) and once I can talk to DH tomorrow a punishment at home. I've told him if this happens again he'll end up excluded permanently and he won't be able to see his friends. He hates the idea of being homeschooled. I've explained that being internally excluded could mean him missing photo day with his brothers in school and a cultural day. No pint grounding him, he doesn't go out without us, even Cubs he goes to with me. He's not allowed to play his game tonight or on YouTube later.

What punishment would you give and how the fuck is this my life and my child? I don't understand where we've gone wrong or how I'm meant to stop this given I don't know where I've messed up as a parent.

I'm so angry with him and me.

How would you have reacted if your son came home and told you the other child chucked the paper ball at his face and your son reacted by doing absolutely nothing?

Your child was assertive not violent and he’s being punished for it.
He moved the child’s hand down, he didn’t pin it to the table and repeatedly stab a broken pencil through it.
In future he may not stick up for himself due to concerns of your reaction.
You’re being too hard on both him and yourself.

@ToddlerIs2 in the nicest possible way , are you ok? The catastrophising,worrying the school lives in an abusive household, calling yourself a shit mum etc. all of them point to someone who is struggling. Stress, anxiety? Something is going on, and I think you're so overwhelmed you can't see the tree from the woods.

Leave this be. The school will deal with it, you gave a punishment, you had the talk it's done. However have a good look/think at whatever else is going on with you and whether you'd benefit from seeing your gp.

He has been told to ignore annoying behaviour or tell the teacher, if he thinks he's going to do something to shout out and tell someone, to move, to put his hand up.

I will be mentioning all the stuff they C has done to annoy DS but DS just won't tell!! If he won't tell on C, school don't see it and I find out vaguely weeks later (I've asked if they've fell out much this week, apparently C keeps pretending to wee. Have you told the teacher? No, I forgot!).

He's being bullied - do you not see the link?

Because where has he learnt this behaviour?

That is not how it works.

I think maybe because OP is clearly very anxious and AIBU can be brutally honest/unkind at times. Might cause more harm than good. I don't think anyone has been particularly harsh here but if the OP is already frazzled and sensitive it may seem that way to her.

Reporting isn’t only to flag material that is ‘against the rules’. When there is a well-being concern, MN can step in with more guided support. It’s not about getting the post removed.

Thank you.
I do think the consequences is something he struggles to retain. Which is why I wanted to impress them on him so heavily, so if even 50% of it sticks, he will do something different.
I'm aware how frustration and anger needs dealing with, were trying to access some parenting classes for kids with autism to see if that will give us some new ideas

You're not a shit mom. You are a very anxious one though.

It means you care, but you need to remember that your DS is just being a fairly typical 8 year old who has reached his limit with the other brat's provocation of him.

You need to impress upon this year's class teacher that they were actually separated last year because they just didn't get on and that nothing has changed now. They still need to be separated.

Honestly, get this into perspective. If schools were to regularly exclude 8 year old boys (or sometimes girls) for this sort of stuff there would hardly be any of them in the classroom.

You have dealt with it proportionately already. School have too. Now you just need to push for the boys to be seated separately.

OP you're not being unreasonable per se, as in you are mortified that your son has drawn attention to himself via bad behaviour which has led to another child being hurt.
But take a step back - he is not a gangster yet. He is 8 and is learning how to deal with provocation. He needs to learnt to tell a teacher if he is being picked on, rather than take matters into his own hands. School have punished him, as have you. Clean slate tomorrow.

You are massively overreacting. Be kind to yourself and show DS you love him and are on his side. The other kid sounds like he deserves what he gets and can handle it!

Children are naturally very physical (esp boys I think) and in preschool and primary years it's not appropriate to judge by adult standards. You have 2 3yo boys so you must see this all the time? Personally when children are evenly matched in size/age I think it's generally best to leave them to work things out - if you're a twin mum this will become apparent over the next few years if it isn't already! I wouldn't let DS lay hands on his little brothers as he needs to learn not to use his strength against smaller weaker beings, but a scuffle between him and a schoolmate who winds him up is not a big deal. He shouldn't be punished at home as well as at school.

Thanks for clarifying - I didn't know that.

This kid is low level annoying, stuff like pretending to wee at the table, not at DA, the other kids ignore of laugh off but really winds up DS.

And DS just won't tell the teacher, he's so focused on what C is doing, he "forgets" to tell.

I would also work through steps DS can take to defuse the situation and then make him write each one out. This should help it stick a bit more and he can use the time writing to reflect.

A lot of stress about nothing. Chill - it'll come to nothing. 🙂

My kid kicked another kid today because he made her friend cry. My kid has form for being a bit handsy when she’s frustrated however today she knows she has crossed the line and came out of school bawling her eyes out. She’s 5 years old she is not a thug or going to be excluded, 98% of the time she is a model student. Kids go through big emotional leaps, keep explaining hands to yourself and consequences of these actions and they will get it eventually. I worked in primary schools and this is not a rare event unless it becomes a theme then it will need working on.

Oh my word OP. I'm getting stressed and anxious just reading your messages.

You know how they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child? Take a deep breath and give yourself a talking to, before you disproportionately lash out on your DS with your worry and anxiety.

Nothing remotely serious has happened. No irreperable harm has been done. Your son is not a wrong'un. He's 8. You have time to talk to him, teach him, raise him.

You've lost perspective (not surprising if you've got 3yo twins at home!) and are struggling to keep control. That's your problem. Don't take it out on your eldest DS.

(Also, were you raised with brothers? Everything you've described is totally, 100%, completely age-appropriate and normal. There is absolutely nothing to suggest your 8yo will grow into a violent thug).

It sounds like he will tell you if you speak to him sympathetically and directly though. So make a note of it when he does and YOU speak to the teacher. Put it down in an email so that they have a paper trail.

Everyone has a breaking point.

It sounds like your son reached his.

I would think whatever punishment the school decide as well as a day without his game etc is enough in terms of reprimanding him but I would seriously focus on the underlying issues where you say he is aggressive to siblings etc as well.

Behaviours like these are usually communication so try and see what he is trying to tell you. Is he struggling with something you can help with? Can you work on helping him to communicate his frustration/anger/jealousy (whatever it is) in a better way? And praise him when he does so.

That's the only way to make a long lasting change as children don't necessarily learn from harsh punishments, it only makes them hate themselves and feel shame. They aren't learning anything from it.

DS is fine thanks. He's had a night off his favourite game. O get you think I'm a shit Mom but he's hardly on need of rescuing from my clutches.

I think the bit you are missing is that he was recently assaulted, his lip split and he needed hospital attention. That's a big thing for him to deal with and the school need to acknowledge that, he had that experience in their care not yours. Have they given him any support with his feelings about that?

You are embarrassed and disappointed and that is understandable but take a big breath and think about why he might be feeling vulnerable and talk to the school about the whole situation, the attack that happened to him, the "winding up" by this other boy and his reaction to it. It all needs to be considered.

I wouldn't worry about brothers fighting too much, I've got three and they did it as kids, all adults now and never been in any trouble about fighting as adults and only one had an issue as a child and that was defending his younger brother.

I really feel for your son. He's probably terrified of the punishment to come, he's 8, yes they should know not to hurt someone but come on, give him a break. He probably didn't even hurt the other boys hand

Oh god now having to WRITE really is a punishment

Why are you obsessed with him ‘telling the teacher’ about what sounds like really minor stuff? That’s not going to do him any favours. If the boy is being mean or bullying then sure, tell the teacher, but not for ‘pretending to wee’.

Do you have anxiety as it sounds like he might have too

Is that why you took your child to hospital because of a split lip??