DS hurt another child, so humiliated

[ToddlerIs2]

So there's a boy that annoys DS. Seems to revel in winding DS up just to before the point where he's actively naughty. Not an excuse, just context.

Today the child, C, did something annoying but not something that harmed DS - screwed up some paper on the table. DS thought he was going to throw it at him so DS pushed down on C's hand to make him drop the paper, hurting C.

Happened right at the end of school so DS was told off and sent to another classroom for the last half hour but no time to discuss punishment with SLT.

I just feel so humiliated that school will think he's a violent child who witnessed violence in the home and it just acting out his upbringing. This isn't the case.

I've told him he's looking at an internal exclusion (for deliberately putting hands on C to hurt him) and once I can talk to DH tomorrow a punishment at home. I've told him if this happens again he'll end up excluded permanently and he won't be able to see his friends. He hates the idea of being homeschooled. I've explained that being internally excluded could mean him missing photo day with his brothers in school and a cultural day. No pint grounding him, he doesn't go out without us, even Cubs he goes to with me. He's not allowed to play his game tonight or on YouTube later.

What punishment would you give and how the fuck is this my life and my child? I don't understand where we've gone wrong or how I'm meant to stop this given I don't know where I've messed up as a parent.

I'm so angry with him and me.

The boy who gave your son a split lip is why he ended up in hospital? If so I'm sure that punishment probably reflected that and its a bit different to pushing someone's hand

Let's just say, teacher said "a child" and I correctly named him because I know it's so tense between them.

hes lashing out because he’s scared and being bullied. You need to find out what the school are doing about the other child. They need separating. He might be young but you need to try and get him to talk to someone like a doctor or referred for therapy. This isn’t a stand alone issue.

I will be. I have on previous years. Then sat together again this year, I thought it was going ok so left it. I'm fed up of telling him he has to ignore this kid or tell on him
I don't mind which but one or the other.

You think at 8 they shouldn't know not to hurt other people??

Then I think you have misinterpreted and taken it too far.

Mention to the school how the other child continues to provoke your DS, so that they are both dealt with. They've already punished DS, but I still highly doubt that they would exclude over something so utterly mundane unless it is part of a much wider picture of bullying behaviour from your DS. It doesn't sound like that is the case.

You and the primary school sound way to OTT. I get the horrible feeling when your child hurts someone. My son is autistic and had a very temperamental friendship with another SEN child. Both hurt each other at least once a term to the point of teachers calling us parents. Following day back to being best of friends of course whilst I felt like the worlds worst parent.

Kids shouldn’t hurt each other, but it happens. An overreaction is the worst way of dealing with it. A week’s in school isolation for an 8 year old is a piss poor behaviour management method, unless there was evidence of prolonged violent bullying (and if that’s the case with this child then obviously either the school or parents are ignoring bigger issue’s anyway).

It sounds like he's being tormented by C and snapped. I think you're being too hard on him to be honest all he did was push the other child's hand it's not comparable to the split lip he got from someone else. Explain to the teachers that C has been goading him and the two should be watched or separated. Don't frighten him with talks of exclusion that sounds completely disproportionate to what actually happened. Children shouldn't be taught to "be kind" when another is continually pushing them- yes he shouldn't have put his hands on the other child- but in his defence he was defending himself thinking that C was going to throw something at him.

Maybe you're worried and sensitive to this issue as the boys at home are all physical with each other?

What a massive over reaction! Why would you punish him at home for stopping a child throwing something at him? Let school deal with it but it sounds like he needs your support in getting school to deal with the clash between them in the first place rather than making him feel worse than he probably already feels

Tell him not to be tough with other people. Move on.

Do not make him think he is the devil himself because he pushed someone's hand down.

I think you need to massively calm down. Remember that anxiety is contagious. You speak to your child is a sensible way about how what he did was wrong, remembering that his trigger point is already low with this child. You make him write a letter of apology to both the teacher and the child for his behaviour. You talk to him about why he thinks its acceptable to hit.

It's no biggie, he wasn't even trying to hurt the other child. This stuff happens all the time with 8 year olds.

Let the school tick him off. Nobody will remember it in a few days time.

What on earth are you on about?

Unless he stabbed the kid or seriously hurt him of course non of that will happen. You jumping to them thinking you are violent at home and homeschooling is utterly bat shit and seriously worrying.

The damage you are doing DELIBERATELY trying to terrify your child with threats of awful things and a slew of exaggerated blame is actually a huge red flag that your mental health might not be suitable to being in charge of a child right now. You behavior could cause serious damage to your child.

I mean this in the nicest way but I think you need to speak to a medical professional about your anxieties and your misplacement of it before it does more irreparable damage.

Meh. Honestly you're over reacting. And maybe the kid who winds your son up might think twice.

Id not even punish that at home, I'd let school deal with it, and only raise that maybe theh shouldn't be sat together.

My DD had a boy who did exactly the same, knew she struggled to keep her cool, she practised walking away but then he wound her up by saying things like all your friends are mine now you've walked off. He was making her miserable and angry.
One day he wound her too far and she absolutely flattened him with a two handed push and he landed on his back in the middle of everyone. School told her not to do it again, I didn't say much at home. And he's left her alone since as he knows she capable of it. But the teachers don't put them in the same groups. Everyone is happier now.

He's 8. Give the kid a break.

Huge leap of assumption there that people will think he's witnessed domestic abuse at home though..... Has he?

Toddleris2 I know where you are coming from, I was exactly the same when my son pushed another child away. Don’t worry too much it will be sorted out. You sound a kind mum who does not tolerate bullying at any level!

Your child is learning how to be a human. Please allow him mistakes without getting to the “how the fuck is this my life” phase; that’s more for “my 16 year old smokes weed all day” scenarios. Good your vigilant, but you are being OTT.

Anyway, from your description I don’t think he did hurt the other child on purpose. His purpose was to stop the other child throwing paper. The hurt was incidental. Very different IMO from pushing a child over.

I really feel sorry for your DS, wtf would you ramp up the punishment at home (inappropriate and scary for the child) by dragging it out until tomorrow?

I guess it’s better to overreact than underreact, but you’ve punished sufficiently now.

Hopefully the other child now knows your son is not for the bs and will leave him be 🤷🏽‍♀️

Massive overreaction, OP. No, you shouldn't excuse the behaviour but you said he only pushed his had away as he was worried C would throw the paper. Defending yourself is very different to deliberately trying to hurt someone for no reason. Obviously C was hurt, so your son should be remorseful but I think the root issue lies elsewhere. I'd be speaking to his teacher and asking if they can be separated.

I think at 8 kids make mistakes and don’t need their parent threatening them with things that aren’t going to happen over one minor incident.

Get a grip OP your kid needs someone in his corner and it very much doesn't sound like that's you. Also why do you have to wait for dh to come home to decide on punishments? Bizarre.

He's 8. Kids wind each other up at that age, kids hurt each other (both intentionally and unintentionally). It's great that you and the school take a zero tolerance approach, but really there is no need to despair. Just let the school take whatever action they see fit and tell DS that he needs to mind his temper in future.

No o told DS it would happen if he kept hurting people, not this time . Although he is facing an internal exclusion. No back story. He's rough with his little brothers and I'm constantly telling him off for that but it doesn't seem to go in, he just struggles to keep his temper. Previously in school he'd have possibly acted out but not hurt someone.