DS hurt another child, so humiliated

[ToddlerIs2]

So there's a boy that annoys DS. Seems to revel in winding DS up just to before the point where he's actively naughty. Not an excuse, just context.

Today the child, C, did something annoying but not something that harmed DS - screwed up some paper on the table. DS thought he was going to throw it at him so DS pushed down on C's hand to make him drop the paper, hurting C.

Happened right at the end of school so DS was told off and sent to another classroom for the last half hour but no time to discuss punishment with SLT.

I just feel so humiliated that school will think he's a violent child who witnessed violence in the home and it just acting out his upbringing. This isn't the case.

I've told him he's looking at an internal exclusion (for deliberately putting hands on C to hurt him) and once I can talk to DH tomorrow a punishment at home. I've told him if this happens again he'll end up excluded permanently and he won't be able to see his friends. He hates the idea of being homeschooled. I've explained that being internally excluded could mean him missing photo day with his brothers in school and a cultural day. No pint grounding him, he doesn't go out without us, even Cubs he goes to with me. He's not allowed to play his game tonight or on YouTube later.

What punishment would you give and how the fuck is this my life and my child? I don't understand where we've gone wrong or how I'm meant to stop this given I don't know where I've messed up as a parent.

I'm so angry with him and me.

Ok you are being way to harsh on yourself you have three boys there is plenty of this to come. Boys can be physical. I have two boys, both secondary school and they really do have a love hate relationship there seems to be no middle ground. My friends with boys agree there is lots of fighting. Stand outside any boys secondary school and you will see them all pushing, jumping on each other etc. Sport has been a godsend for us. Mine now do cross country/parkrun, rugby and cricket each several times a week. They need to burn off the energy they have particularly as they get towards teen years. Some scuffles I leave them to work out now others I step in but I can assure you it is not something they have witnessed at home and as a mother of boys I would never assume that. Have you tried to see if there is a local rugby club he could join two hours training on a Sunday morning has led to a much quieter day all round for us and they are learning to channel their aggression within the rules of the sport. There obviously need to be conversations about things that can happen with serious fighting particularly now with so much knife crime.

Mine should of read - school sounds Unsuitable! Sorry :-(

I am also surprised at your GP’s diagnosis. But GPs don’t diagnose. It would be a panel of practitioners who would have assessed him. As others have said, the terms Asperger’s, a typical autism, mild autism etc don’t exist anymore. A diagnosis is just usually that they meet the criteria for a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. My DD was diagnosed 3 years ago and I also teach in a special school and work with lots of autism services and families of autistic kids. Were you offered any post diagnostic support? If not then you need to seek out your local providers. The National Autistic society can point you in the right direction. Autism is a spectrum and not a line (you say that he’s at the end of it). A spectrum means each autistic person has a different set of strengths and challenges and they are all equally affected by their autism even though from the outside they present differently to others. The old fashioned ‘classic’ autism often referred to people who were actually autistic and also often had a learning disability. The older term Asperger’s was used to describe someone without a learning disability who was autistic and potentially more able and gifted than other neurotypical people. The a typical type is again more that there’s no learning difficulty and nothing obvious to anyone looking in that makes the look or appear different. But all these names are gone and the autistic spectrum disorder/condition is used now as they all have lots of things in common. Mainly communication difficulties and understanding social norms and unwritten or non explained and assumed rules. An interesting tv series for you would be to watch is Atypical, and then maybe also the Good Doctor.

It sounds to my like your child is being bullied. My daughter went to primary school with a lot of really ‘good’ intelligent girls, al liked by the teachers, pushy parents, dressed well, never got into trouble types. But I witnessed them bullying other kids the same way - lighting the fuse and walking away when the child kicked off and hurt someone else. They were too clever to be caught. On TA knew and was desperate for them to be caught. Their parents were told but their parents denied and said their little precious would never do such a thing. I was also bullied at primary school the same way. I’d ignore it. My parents complained. School denied. Nothing done as the girls were ‘nice clever girls’ then one day I snapped and really hurt one of them. I was dragged to the HT’s office and my mum was called. My mum was a teacher. She stood up for me and called out the bullying again. I was never really punished for it and those girls suddenly wanted to become friends with me.

For an autistic child, under the radar bullying will be really hard for him as he will know that ‘rules’ are being broken and nothing is being done. He will also have the issue that he might not understand how t deal with his emotions. I suspect when the child crumpled the paper he was in a heightened fight or flight mode worrying about what was coming next and over reacted to protect himself. The school need calling out on this low level behaviour from the other child and for an autistic child this will be a trigger. Once they are triggered they will struggle to not react u less taught strategies. Being told to ‘ignore’ is obviously not working. Your child needs someone at school to take him seriously and work with him to recognise his emotions and when he might need to regulate them and how to regulate. He should be given the chance to have a safe space in school to walk away to and calm down. Things will annoy him that others won’t even notice. And see depending on what else has happened that day will also change his reaction - if he’s tired, hungry, needs the toilet, bored, etc.

please do some research on autism and ways you can help your child. He needs you on his side. Often with autistic people, consequences such as punishments don’t work. If they do then they start to mask their true selves.

Apologies if someone has already suggested this there are a lot of responses I have not read - have you had your DS tested, he could be on a low level spectrum.

Also, your self confidence issues could be a factor. You are not a bad mother. Ask yourself why you think you are. Also, seek professional help. There are numerous patenting sites which will offer advice & coping strategies.

If the school is supportive to parents and pupils, they should also be able to advise.

If school put something in place to ‘punish’ him, no need for you to do so at home as well.

School needs to throw woke shit out the window and wake up to reality.

I wouldn't punish the child for anything like this. The school is mad.

Poor you OP - you sound a great Mum who is at the end of her tether.

The language around ASD diagnoses changes all the time, and from county to county. It's irrelevant. Your DS is on the spectrum and needs additional support and different techniques for your parenting. Please don't blame yourself, and don't take any of the comments here as digs at you. The main thing now is to do some research and find out what works for you and your son.

ASD is an umbrella condition and many people also have associated conditions such as dyslexia, ODD, ADHD and so on. Some are 'high functioning' (no or manageable learning difficulties) ranging to some very severely disabled people. Don't worry about the labels, just about understanding your DS and what works for him.

My DS has ASD and ADHD, and we had regular incidents throughout primary. Biting, throwing furniture, even spitting at one point and he had certainly never seen that modelled anywhere! He once picked up a metal scooter and waved it towards a boy who was annoying him, catching a glancing blow on the side of his head. Luckily a really glancing blow! I was devastated and spent ages telling him he could have killed the boy and gone to prison - but I know that it just did not sink in and he didn't understand. He always just said 'sorry Mum'.

It is a big worry for parents. DS has no understanding of abstract issues or awareness of consequences - his brain just doesn't seem to work that way. I dread him learning to drive!! But he is now mid teens and his behaviour is fine - I think they are often much slower to learn to regulate their responses (and DS's social behaviours can still be 'odd') - but they do get there albeit maybe later than their peers.

Just talk to your DS about his feelings, his worries, and how you can help him with things. The colour coded cards a PP suggested might be helpful, or I believe there is an app that does something similar if that is his thing. In my experience (although all kids are different) - threatening dire consequences had zero value as it just didn't resonate. And keep calm - if you act stressed so will he.

Good luck!! Parenting a ND child is challenging (as are three year old twins...) but you sound a brilliant Mum and you will get there!

I think you are massively over reacting to this! It's the kind of thing where he's already getting his 'punishment' in school. There's really no need to double down and punish him at home too! My DS school used to say this in class parent meetings.
Do you want your DS to be a complete wet lettuce who doesn't know how to set boundaries or stand up for himself? He's not hit or pushed the lad.

Sounds as though he needs support in how to self regulate, not punishment. We never double punish, if an incident is dealt with in school, we talk about it, ask how we can help, acknowledge that he must have been having big feelings to react like this, talk about how he could do things differently next time.
Have you tried reading books with him, like Hands Are Not For Hurting? Aimed at younger children, but maybe read it together with his brothers.
Talk about how it felt when he was hurt, and how it's not nice to do this to others, help build empathy.
Is he your oldest? These things happen, it's all part of the learning process.

Oh, and he's not going to learn anything if the consequences you impose bear no relation to what he's done. How does banning him from a game relate to hurting someone? Work on showing sorry in some way, connected to the 'offence', this will help build the synapses in his brain which help him connect cause and effect. He doesn't have to be close to this boy, but might write a small apology note and include a small gift, for example.

Are you being serious???
you’ve probably done more damage to your son telling him he’ll be excluded and miss a photo day (btw you can take a picture of them together in uniform now a days)
a child who you’ve said is constantly on at your own son has now got a minor push and you’ve punished your child. Im sorry but you’re tapped! “Comes from a violent home” maybe you need to sit in a reception class and see & hear some of the stuff 4yr olds get into. A child should be able to defend themselves….it’ll shape them for a cruel world ahead. I say give your boy a gold star and a slice of cake; but you need to loosen up. HE’S A KID

Take it easy. This will all be dealt with and blow over.
I am a reception teacher who is sometimes kicked and hit, not to mention the children.
Nothing much happens.
Parents don’t even seem very sorry.

OP I highly recommend you join the facebook group UK Autism Spectrum Parents Support Group , it sounds like you're in need of support as a parent of an autistic child. You will find you are far from alone in feeling as you do, posts including "I'm a bad mum" and "I'm failing him/her" are heartbreakingly frequent. But the parents on there draw strength and comfort from each other and by seeing that they aren't alone. You will learn so much about autism and can ask any questions you have.

Also I believe there is a neurodiversity thread/topic here on mumsnet you may also find useful.