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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has invited random people to stay at our house over Christmas

215 replies

Theresa88 · 08/11/2023 00:47

My husband and I live with our toddler, I am English but husband is from a community oriented culture where it’s common for many relatives to stay together in one house.

our families both live in a city quite far away, we have invited them plus his family friend (single 33F) to come to us for Christmas and stay at our house. It’s going to be quite crowded as we only have a small 3 bedroom house but that’s ok, I’m happy to have family stay.

however his family friend has now asked if she can bring her sister and cousin (both of whom I’ve never met) to stay as well for Christmas, and my husband said yes without asking me. I’m not happy about adding people I’ve never met to an already crowded house over Christmas. I told the family friend this and she said her cousin has already booked flights to our city. AIBU to expect them to stay in an Airbnb rather than with us? Obviously husband shouldn’t have told them it was ok without checking with me but also they shouldn’t be asking if they can bring extra people to stay over Christmas for an indefinite period of time (I think they’re intending to stay for new years as well).

OP posts:
wesurecouldstandgladioli · 10/11/2023 06:54

Gwenhwyfar · 09/11/2023 19:50

I'm going to go against the crowd here. If I'd paid an expensive flight to go somewhere far away on the basis of having been told that accommodation would be provided, I wouldn't then be willing to pay for alternative accommodation if I'd only made the decision to travel based on the accommodation being available.

So the blame is the DH's and NOT the extra guests who are only acting on the information they were given. It's pretty nasty to withdraw an offer once people have paid for their travel.

"Let them stay in a hotel" is a common MN refrains based on many MNers being rich enough to do this, not realising that not everyone is or that sending friends and family to a hotel can be seen as very rude.

Does anyone ACTUALLY believe these friends and hangers on booked their flights?

Given the speed with which they changed their minds about visiting when they were told no room at the inn, I highly doubt they’d booked flights.

helpplease01 · 10/11/2023 08:06

INSIST the get an Air B&B or pull the invite. If your husband unilaterally makes decisions on who comes to stay. You can do the same to tell them there is no room at the inn. B&B or don’t come. Though shit.
Outrageously cheeky she did that. Give it right back to her.
stand up for yourself!

MachineBee · 10/11/2023 08:53

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 10/11/2023 06:54

Does anyone ACTUALLY believe these friends and hangers on booked their flights?

Given the speed with which they changed their minds about visiting when they were told no room at the inn, I highly doubt they’d booked flights.

Show quote history

Totally agree

RampantIvy · 10/11/2023 08:57

@helpplease01 if you select "See all" on the bottom right hand corner of the OP's posts you will see that this has been resolved.

Theresa88 · Yesterday 07:06
Family friend has decided she and her cousin will not come to visit out city for Christmas. DH has been briefed he is not to invite visitors again without my approval. He will be doing majority of cooking on Christmas and other food I will get catered. Planning to open the Veuve by 10am.

Newestname002 · 10/11/2023 10:22

Theresa88 · 10/11/2023 02:23

thanks for the well wishes and condolences everyone (except those telling me I’ve been unforgivably rude). It feels good to make a decision and draw some boundaries with DH and his family! I think I’ll make it a new Christmas tradition 😂

Sounds like a good plan OP.

See where else in your shared lives you can assert yourself more. 🌹

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 10/11/2023 10:36

Theresa88 · Today 02:23

thanks for the well wishes and condolences everyone (except those telling me I’ve been unforgivably rude). It feels good to make a decision and draw some boundaries with DH and his family! I think I’ll make it a new Christmas tradition 😂

Great idea! You can announce this Christmas that next Christmas you will be observing English customs so your toddler can appreciate both halves of their heritage. Next Christmas will be just you, DH and DC at home, and you will visit the grandparents (Boxing Day? - insert day of choice!) to celebrate 2nd Christmas together.

Winnipeg23 · 10/11/2023 12:03

RampantIvy · 10/11/2023 08:57

@helpplease01 if you select "See all" on the bottom right hand corner of the OP's posts you will see that this has been resolved.

Theresa88 · Yesterday 07:06
Family friend has decided she and her cousin will not come to visit out city for Christmas. DH has been briefed he is not to invite visitors again without my approval. He will be doing majority of cooking on Christmas and other food I will get catered. Planning to open the Veuve by 10am.

Mind blown! Thank you so much. You have saved me soooo much time..I never knew 💃

SallyWD · 10/11/2023 13:26

Well done for making some boundaries OP.
I know what it's like to marry in to another culture and bend over backwards to accommodate their different ways.
I married in to an Indian family. DH has never lived in India and is very westernised but his family, particularly his mum, is very Indian. Now being very Indian isn't a bad thing! There are many positives and so much I admire about their culture. However, there are things I struggle with, mostly around personal space. We were expected to spend a month at their house every summer plus two weeks at Easter, Christmas etc. I'm an introvert and despite getting on very well with them, I struggled greatly with this. I finally grew a backbone and said two weeks in the summer was my limit. DH and the kids can stay longer but I need my space after two weeks. I also shortened our Christmas and Easter breaks with them to a week or ten days.
It's one thing to respect another culture, but your needs are as important as theirs. Their culture doesn't trump yours!

greengreengrass25 · 10/11/2023 17:03

Gwenhwyfar · 09/11/2023 19:50

I'm going to go against the crowd here. If I'd paid an expensive flight to go somewhere far away on the basis of having been told that accommodation would be provided, I wouldn't then be willing to pay for alternative accommodation if I'd only made the decision to travel based on the accommodation being available.

So the blame is the DH's and NOT the extra guests who are only acting on the information they were given. It's pretty nasty to withdraw an offer once people have paid for their travel.

"Let them stay in a hotel" is a common MN refrains based on many MNers being rich enough to do this, not realising that not everyone is or that sending friends and family to a hotel can be seen as very rude.

Too bad

I can't believe how freeloading people are

How rude of OPs DH to do this to her

suchandsuchandsuchandsuch · 10/11/2023 21:35

Just want to say good on you for standing up for yourself! And ignore anyone saying you’ve been rude, you haven’t one bit this is totally down to your husband and the hangers on! if you didn’t stop it happening this time it would just keep happening as there are no consequences so you’re well within your right to put your foot down!

And yes I understand you have to be understanding with his culture but this should not be at your personal expense there has to be give and take in every relationship and if that’s not part of your culture then he needs to respect your boundaries to.

Try and have a lovely Christmas and sorry for your loss💙 Xx

Eskimal · 10/11/2023 21:51

Just imagine the smell from the bathroom after a few too many sprouts. How many people are you squeezing into a 3 bed house?
I’m sensitive to my husbands culture but you need to set your boundaries too.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 10/11/2023 22:24

We'll, he invited them and you don't want them there so I think the only solution is to book them into a nearby air bnb. Lesson learned for the future hopefully!

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 10/11/2023 22:26

Or better still, book yourselves into a nearby air BnB.

Radioshark · 10/11/2023 23:41

Tell him you are clearing off for Christmas and he can do all the bedmaking, cooking and clean.

doormat45 · 12/11/2023 20:25

I would go completely fucking ape shit, especially if you are the one hosting.

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