Husband has invited random people to stay at our house over Christmas

[Theresa88]

My husband and I live with our toddler, I am English but husband is from a community oriented culture where it’s common for many relatives to stay together in one house.

our families both live in a city quite far away, we have invited them plus his family friend (single 33F) to come to us for Christmas and stay at our house. It’s going to be quite crowded as we only have a small 3 bedroom house but that’s ok, I’m happy to have family stay.

however his family friend has now asked if she can bring her sister and cousin (both of whom I’ve never met) to stay as well for Christmas, and my husband said yes without asking me. I’m not happy about adding people I’ve never met to an already crowded house over Christmas. I told the family friend this and she said her cousin has already booked flights to our city. AIBU to expect them to stay in an Airbnb rather than with us? Obviously husband shouldn’t have told them it was ok without checking with me but also they shouldn’t be asking if they can bring extra people to stay over Christmas for an indefinite period of time (I think they’re intending to stay for new years as well).

I think your DH was out of order to say yes without your agreement, and I think it sounds unworkable and overwhelming and insensitive given you lost your Mum a few months ago.

However.

They’ve now incurred the costs of flights on the basis of his agreement, so I think you/he should offer to at least part fund an airbnb or offer them the flight money back.
Maybe that would also make him consider you more next time?

No way
I’d perhaps contemplate having that many people over for a night or two in absolute
extremis (which it isn’t) but for a week or so? Absolutely no and it’s your DH’s problem to sort out

Erm no, I wouldn't be offering anything towards their accommodation, fuck that

Why can't the family friend, sister & cousin have Christmas together?

Do you have enough space for everyone to sit down, OP? That’s a lot of sofa/armchair space.

What a selfish man you are with.

Clearly you are well conditioned by him over the years.

Cultural differences my arse.

You have recently lost your mother and this will be your first Christmas without.

My condolences to you, so very very hard.

He wants you skivvying for his side in a packed house for Christmas.

What a selfish arsehole.

Pack YOUR bags with your toddler and head off to your family for Christmas and have a long hard think about your relationship.

Good men do not behave in such a completely uncaring way.

Selfish pricks do.

NO, no and no.

You don't want people sleeping in your living room at Christmas. What a horrendous idea! Is you husband quite mad?

Pass the issue to you husband to sort out accommodation for them. It's not being inhospitable - you just do not have the room, and that's that.

I would really hate this.

You don't have the space so it's a hard no plus your husband should have asked you 1,st, sorry for your loss -tell him you need to see your father this year and if he wants all these people there he has to do all of the cooking, clearing up etc

And if they can pay for flights they can pay for their accommodation

No way. Set up a tent in the garden with a "welcome to england" sign.

No No No No No No.

Are they going to sleep under the Christmas tree?!

Do you have to cook for them all or are they going to take over your kitchen? Either way on Christmas day I'd be saying no.

And how RUDE to just randomly invite the cousin.

This!

his family friend has now asked if she can bring her sister and cousin

Cleverly asked DH not you!
So you've told her the cousin can't say but what about the sister? Who's already arranged flights and what's the chances of getting an affordable AirBnB nearby now? Did DH tell you all this when he thought it was a done deal? Sneaky.
It's all very insensitive, culture or not, to land on someone who can't realistically host that number of guests at a time when their grief may come to the fore.

This

They’re rude and cheeky. Cultural differences my arse; if you can understand that some cultures like to do things differently, then so can they.
It should have been your DH to rescind the invitation and take any flak.
If they still come to visit and anyone says anything about it, put him firmly in the firing line and leave the room.

Precisely. I would have a different reaction if they were from DH´s country of origin. That would usually mean international flights (cost...) and the genuine possibility of them not being aware of OP´s cultural expectations and framework.

But as one often says on mumsnet:
OP has a DH problem. Not a "family friend" problem.

That's what narks me with these sort of posts , no one comes out and says he's from insert country here .

It's like it all a great big secret and if i say what country it is everyone will know who i am

This whole situation is ridiculous. And your husband is a selfish prick.

So sorry for the loss of your mum 💐

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. That sounds very tough, and the guest Christmas afterwards is bound to be difficult.

Are you generally more sensitive to and aware of your h's culture than he is of yours? When you have people to stay, who does the housework, prep, cooking, entertaining, clearing up??

I agree that he should always ask you before inviting randoms to stay, this year especially.

I presumed a travelling community.

It’s very concerning indeed that your husband is so insensitive to your feelings about the loss of your Mum. Was he supportive at the time of her death/illness? Does he not feel her loss as well?

I’d be seriously reconsidering my marriage if my husband behaved like this.

I lost my Mum too, my deepest sympathy.

I find it very odd to add a 'family friend' to what is a family Christmas.

She clearly has other friends/relatives to celebrate with.

As to culture, I have spent years resisting one half of my parent's cultural expectations, which mostly consist of women running round after men. I am seen as rude, but I simply don't care and the expectations have disappeared.

This is like the scene in little women where the husband comes home with unannounced guests to find his wife sobbing into pots and pots of ruined home made jam. The moral of the story is: do not invite people round without telling your wife first!

I'm sorry for your loss. You don't need to justify it but if you wanted to you could say to the family friend that this year is tough because it's first Christmas without your mum. You did right thing by disinviting!

You offer the three non family guests (directly) whether you can help them book a local air B&B.
Welcome them for up to two meals per day but you realistically do not have the bathroom or bedroom space to host them fully.