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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has invited random people to stay at our house over Christmas

215 replies

Theresa88 · 08/11/2023 00:47

My husband and I live with our toddler, I am English but husband is from a community oriented culture where it’s common for many relatives to stay together in one house.

our families both live in a city quite far away, we have invited them plus his family friend (single 33F) to come to us for Christmas and stay at our house. It’s going to be quite crowded as we only have a small 3 bedroom house but that’s ok, I’m happy to have family stay.

however his family friend has now asked if she can bring her sister and cousin (both of whom I’ve never met) to stay as well for Christmas, and my husband said yes without asking me. I’m not happy about adding people I’ve never met to an already crowded house over Christmas. I told the family friend this and she said her cousin has already booked flights to our city. AIBU to expect them to stay in an Airbnb rather than with us? Obviously husband shouldn’t have told them it was ok without checking with me but also they shouldn’t be asking if they can bring extra people to stay over Christmas for an indefinite period of time (I think they’re intending to stay for new years as well).

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 09/11/2023 20:00

@Gwenhwyfar
The OP was only expecting parents plus one other.

The one other invited a few extra people. Yes, the silly man said it would be OK, but inviting extra people when you yourself are a guest isn't polite at all.

mathanxiety · 09/11/2023 20:01

And after all, what's more Christmassy than having no room at the inn?

ScottishWaylander · 09/11/2023 20:01

I'm sure she did!

AdoraBell · 09/11/2023 20:16

YANBU

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/11/2023 20:20

Well done op

Winnipeg23 · 09/11/2023 20:23

MachineBee · 09/11/2023 19:29

This!

Show quote history

Oh so this!
Time to go and visit one of your friends/relatives with Ur daughter and let them all get on with it.
Nothing like a massive load of work to help change Ur DHs mind. He might not be so keen when it's his whole festive season spent cleaning, entertaining, feeding, paying for etc etc his guests. If he doesn't put u first, put urself first.
Strength to your arm.
I feel for you and I think loads of people on here will have experienced similar situations.

godmum56 · 09/11/2023 20:26

Theresa88 · 08/11/2023 01:10

Thanks everyone I can see this is a cultural issue which can become quite awkward and I am seen as rude. This is in the broader context of 12 years of relationship and 7 years of marriage where I have bent over backwards to be sensitive to his culture, including having about half of the guests at our wedding being people I had never met before.
It’s also my first Christmas without my mother who died a few months ago so I guess I’m not feeling in a very festive mood to be celebrating and hosting a lot of people.

Truly I am not sure why you even made this rod for yourself?

godmum56 · 09/11/2023 20:27

Theresa88 · 09/11/2023 07:06

Family friend has decided she and her cousin will not come to visit out city for Christmas. DH has been briefed he is not to invite visitors again without my approval. He will be doing majority of cooking on Christmas and other food I will get catered. Planning to open the Veuve by 10am. Cheers! 🎉

yay! well done you

nappysan · 09/11/2023 20:33

This is his culture and values.
This is your new extended family. Smile and be hospitable.
You have a child together

Gwenhwyfar · 09/11/2023 20:37

mathanxiety · 09/11/2023 20:00

@Gwenhwyfar
The OP was only expecting parents plus one other.

The one other invited a few extra people. Yes, the silly man said it would be OK, but inviting extra people when you yourself are a guest isn't polite at all.

It's the DH's fault though isn't it. They have now paid for flights on that basis so i find it quite wrong to go back on that agreement.

If a friend told me I could stay with her and I booked my flight, I would find it unforgivable for her to rescind her offer later on.

MachineBee · 09/11/2023 20:47

Gwenhwyfar · 09/11/2023 19:50

I'm going to go against the crowd here. If I'd paid an expensive flight to go somewhere far away on the basis of having been told that accommodation would be provided, I wouldn't then be willing to pay for alternative accommodation if I'd only made the decision to travel based on the accommodation being available.

So the blame is the DH's and NOT the extra guests who are only acting on the information they were given. It's pretty nasty to withdraw an offer once people have paid for their travel.

"Let them stay in a hotel" is a common MN refrains based on many MNers being rich enough to do this, not realising that not everyone is or that sending friends and family to a hotel can be seen as very rude.

If I’d spent money expecting to be accommodated I’d be annoyed at having to sleep on the floor. Beware you don’t end up being the one on the floor giving up your bedroom to your random guests.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/11/2023 20:49

"f I’d spent money expecting to be accommodated I’d be annoyed at having to sleep on the floor."

Come on, they can always borrow an air bed.

MachineBee · 09/11/2023 20:49

Sorry missed your update OP!

JudgeJ · 09/11/2023 20:54

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 08/11/2023 09:16

Agree with this, OP has stated in her first post My husband and I live with our toddler, I am English but husband is from a community oriented culture where it’s common for many relatives to stay together in one house, that's explanation enough

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If the OP's English then she could say that in her culture it is not common for relative to expect to be able to invite random strangers into someone else's home. Why do some cultures think they have the upper hand?

BotterMon · 09/11/2023 21:11

One toilet?! I couldn't have anyone to stay with the only toilet in the only bathroom. Your husband needs to give his head a wobble.

Janieforever · 09/11/2023 21:19

Personally I’d be fine with this, but honestly you’d get the same outraged responses if you’d said you’d one person staying you don’t want there.

Pumpkintastic · 09/11/2023 21:25

Don't you go stressing about mattresses etc. let him sort it out. Also if this was me I would be booking myself and the kids into a hotel for Christmas eve and Christmas day and leaving him to crack on without me.

SophieIsHereToday · 09/11/2023 22:08

Theresa88 · 08/11/2023 01:00

It’s domestic flights not international, so not that expensive. I see your point though!

Your husband apologises and gives them the money for the fights so they are not out of pocket

SophieIsHereToday · 09/11/2023 22:09

They are not CF, your husband is

Morganrae1 · 09/11/2023 22:34

Wow, bit of a liberty!! Glad you took the bull by the horns. Christmas with a toddler would have been unbearable with all those people in the house. It's a time for family fun and children playing with their presents.

likethislikethat · 09/11/2023 23:55

You know he won't tell them to go to the hotel so you will need to do it.

And tell them that your husband should never have offered in the first place.

Some fireworks perhaps but it will never happen again.

Original poster
Theresa88 · 10/11/2023 02:20

nappysan · 09/11/2023 20:33

This is his culture and values.
This is your new extended family. Smile and be hospitable.
You have a child together

No. I’m hospitable to his actual family, friends and hangers on not so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theresa88 · 10/11/2023 02:21

godmum56 · 09/11/2023 20:26

Truly I am not sure why you even made this rod for yourself?

Show quote history

Probably because I was young and a people pleaser for so many years. Time to stand up for myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
Theresa88 · 10/11/2023 02:23

thanks for the well wishes and condolences everyone (except those telling me I’ve been unforgivably rude). It feels good to make a decision and draw some boundaries with DH and his family! I think I’ll make it a new Christmas tradition 😂

OP posts:
Thatwasbanging · 10/11/2023 03:26

EconomyClassRockstar · 08/11/2023 01:31

How many bathrooms do you have? That would be a no brainer for me on that score alone.

Yeah me too