Husband has invited random people to stay at our house over Christmas

[Theresa88]

My husband and I live with our toddler, I am English but husband is from a community oriented culture where it’s common for many relatives to stay together in one house.

our families both live in a city quite far away, we have invited them plus his family friend (single 33F) to come to us for Christmas and stay at our house. It’s going to be quite crowded as we only have a small 3 bedroom house but that’s ok, I’m happy to have family stay.

however his family friend has now asked if she can bring her sister and cousin (both of whom I’ve never met) to stay as well for Christmas, and my husband said yes without asking me. I’m not happy about adding people I’ve never met to an already crowded house over Christmas. I told the family friend this and she said her cousin has already booked flights to our city. AIBU to expect them to stay in an Airbnb rather than with us? Obviously husband shouldn’t have told them it was ok without checking with me but also they shouldn’t be asking if they can bring extra people to stay over Christmas for an indefinite period of time (I think they’re intending to stay for new years as well).

If it was me I'd be getting an Airbnb myself and staying there with toddler and leaving husband to sort out the mess!

Well if the OP stated whatever community they are from it might help people who post replies to understand a the situation a bit more

It’s also my first Christmas without my mother who died a few months ago so I guess I’m not feeling in a very festive mood to be celebrating and hosting a lot of people

Sorry about your mum, but this alone is a reason you should not be "hosting" Christmas. My first Christmas without my mum [She died in the September] was spent mainly crying in the kitchen, like fuck could I have had guests - let alone strangers.

Your DH needs to sort / fix this ASAP.

I'd be the one in the air bnb while he hosts all these people. Sod that. Really sorry about your loss and your husband's apparent lack of empathy.

No, you’re just nosey. OP isn’t going to get new insight from Mumsnet into her husband’s family culture that will suddenly make his behaviour OK.

Agree with this, OP has stated in her first post My husband and I live with our toddler, I am English but husband is from a community oriented culture where it’s common for many relatives to stay together in one house, that's explanation enough

This would be my suggestion too. Leave them to it in the evenings, and come back in the mornings. You get a break that way.

Insularity might make a genuine difference.

Some community oriented cultures might be very insular with little contact to "outsiders". That would explain why people that live in the UK (in this case the family friend) were apparently unware of OP´s expectations and cultural framework.

=> an explanation other than "cheekiness".

Be bold.

Book you, your father & toddler into a nice country/seaside hotel for a Christmas ‘package’ that covers all food & board from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day.

It may be possible for a room to be configured with two twin beds & a cot so that you may limit the £ outlay, but of course you & your dad are used to you own spaces so separate rooms would be far preferable.

Spend your time winding down with you loved ones for the first Christmas without your mother, go for long walks, play games, watch movies & talk about your mum. Let others take the practical & stressful load of Christmas away, it’s their job to make this time relaxing & enjoyable.

We took off to a seaside hotel for the first Christmas after my mother died & it lifted our spirits. It allowed us all to side step the many small things that were too painful or difficult to get done, & just be ourselves coming to terms with our loss. The everyday comfort of a plush Christmas lunch & decorations were there without the hassle & grind - my mum would have loved it!

How your DH will take this - I don’t know, but you need to put yourself first & foremost at this time. If you cannot have this time on your terms & needs for the first Christmas without your mother, then your husband is not on your side.

If he has any sense, he will ask to go away with you all for Christmas, cancel all invitations & sidestep the shitshow he has created.

I'd go and stay in the AirBnb myself and let him look after all his guests.

Definitely say no. If the family friend also isn’t sympathetic because your mother has died this year (sending condolences to you about that) then that says more about her than it does about you.

Maybe the family friend should have hosted Christmas herself. Then she could have invited who she wants and you could be the one inviting people she doesn't know. It's very easy to be kind and generous with inviting people if you're not the one hosting.

I wouldn't be lifting a finger to plan, shop, cook or clean that's for sure. Mr. Community Generosity can put his money where his mouth is and sort out the meals etc., it probably more work than he thinks.

No, I disagree. It's BEYOND ridiculous! It would be bad enough if they had a huge house - just catering for that many people (has the OP got enough chairs, cutlery, big enough table, etc), as others have said, the bathroom implications alone are appalling (I need to the toilet a LOT!).

No, just no.

Why do you have to 'bend over backwards' for his culture but he isn't doing the same for yours?

I'm sorry for your loss and that is more than an acceptable response to anyone, other family included, to say that this year you're not hosting anyone. At all. No one.

Have you investigated the possibility of you all going away for Christmas to somewhere that has suitable accommodation for large groups? Perhaps there might be a hotel that has houses/apartments on their grounds that they let out and you could all get your own one and meet up for meals and activities but at the end of the day, you can all retire to your own place to sleep?

Yes but OP already knows everything she needs to k ow about her husband’s culture and whether this applies.

I've actually thought that if you could stay with your Dad and bring your toddler with you, you could have a wonderful 3 generations Christmas together. That is of course if you get along with your Dad.

Otherwise I'd be thinking something like these might be what you do this year:
https://www.redonline.co.uk/travel/inspiration/g35649846/hotels-with-cottages/
Sell it to the family as you don't want to stay at home, you're missing your mum and you want to do something completely different this year. If your DH can pull a fast one on you, you can make the same sweeping statements to his family. What's good for the goose and so on.
Just state it matter of fact. If you can afford it of course.

YANBU.

Admittedly, I’ve not read the whole thread but I’m going to assume you have children. I would feel very uncomfortable within strangers staying in my house with my children around.

They can stay in an AirBnb, hotel, b&b, there’s plenty of options!

It really doesn't matter. People don't give much detail so they don't get outed. That's the whole point of an anonymous forum. Some of you are quite nosey tbh. You can absolutely give good advice with the info the OP has provided.

One bathroom?

Just no. No.

Yes, it is possible. Take child and go stay with sibling/friend for 99% of time they are there. Stay at home max one night. If anyone asks why, you can have a chat about U.K. culture.

YA SO NBU.

On a sidenote, I wanted to host Christmas this year for my large extended family. I've actually cancelled that and am doing something smaller because we were supposed to be having a second bathroom installed and it didn't happen. I can't host 10+ people including a toddler with only one bathroom. It would be chaos.