Husband has invited random people to stay at our house over Christmas

[Theresa88]

My husband and I live with our toddler, I am English but husband is from a community oriented culture where it’s common for many relatives to stay together in one house.

our families both live in a city quite far away, we have invited them plus his family friend (single 33F) to come to us for Christmas and stay at our house. It’s going to be quite crowded as we only have a small 3 bedroom house but that’s ok, I’m happy to have family stay.

however his family friend has now asked if she can bring her sister and cousin (both of whom I’ve never met) to stay as well for Christmas, and my husband said yes without asking me. I’m not happy about adding people I’ve never met to an already crowded house over Christmas. I told the family friend this and she said her cousin has already booked flights to our city. AIBU to expect them to stay in an Airbnb rather than with us? Obviously husband shouldn’t have told them it was ok without checking with me but also they shouldn’t be asking if they can bring extra people to stay over Christmas for an indefinite period of time (I think they’re intending to stay for new years as well).

our families both live in a city quite far away, we have invited them plus his family friend (single 33F) to come to us for Christmas and stay at our house. It’s going to be quite crowded as we only have a small 3 bedroom house but that’s ok, I’m happy to have family stay.

Where are you planning to sleep them all, @Theresa88 ?

Who will be doing the cooking, shopping and cleaning for the festive period what they stay?

Well done for putting a boundary in here.

So sorry for your loss. The first Christmas will be tough and you need to look after yourself. If you doing that puts others out a bit then tough luck.

Can you explain to your DH that this Christmas will be a difficult one? Do you know who YOU want to be there? What you need? Have a think about that. If you put what everyone else wants or expects to one side for a moment, what would YOU ideally want and need? It’s hard to know when you are used to putting others first, but give it a go. Then see if you can get what you need, or something closer to it.

For what it’s worth Christmas in a 3 bed house and one bathroom with anyone other than a couple of very close friends or family makes me want to scream at the thought of it.

That's exactly where we're sleeping Christmas day evening. Me, partner and then 8 month old. Sleeping mat on brothers lounge floor.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum.
If they start saying about cultural expectations I’d say well yes, in the U.K. you generally wouldn’t host strangers over the Christmas when a parent has passed away. Perhaps they will see, including your husband, that this is your home too.

100% agree with this!!! It makes me shudder reading it!

The year my mum died (no other close family on my side) we booked a few days away over Christmas because I couldn’t cope with going to the in-laws and them being all jolly.
Have you actually said to DH “This Christmas is going to be pretty miserable for me, I’ll need your support”? I mean he shouldn’t need it spelling out but…

Do not plan the catering or play female stereotypes to an over full house.

Go out with your dad lots and have quiet time together while guests are here. Be able to grieve a bit more together.

Leave the bulk of work to your DH. Tell him in Advance . It’s the only way he’ll realise what you need.
Stop using culture as a reason to be treated as the domestic lead by a man. It’s BS

Unless you are in a massive country, I would say that if they can pay for flights to travel they can pay for an Airbnb.

I'm fucking raging on your behalf op.
No consideration for your recent bereavement and unless he's planning on meal planning, prep, cooking, cleaning, hosting, washing bedding etc. he's being INCREDIBLY misogynistic foisting all of these guests on you to look after.
I'd be going to stay in a hotel for a few days and leave him to execute his plans.

All of this

so sorry for your loss op.

Where's your husband's accommodation of your culture and traditions, and respect for your grief? why is it always that a woman is expected to compromise to make a marriage work until there's nothing left of her and who she was before she married her husband?

I would be cancelling the whole thing altogether unless family and friends agree to stay in hotels or air b&bs. It sounds suffocating for that many people to stay for that long. Your house is just not big enough, surely that's not hard to understand? It's your Christmas too, shouldn't you get a say in how you want to celebrate? It's your home too. you get a say in how long you wish to have people staying over.

It’s ludicrous that your stupid husband said yes to all those people. Your house is far too tiny to host them all, let alone additional random strangers.

Does he ever put you first?

Hate when some men do this- yes come round everyone! ( whilst he sips on a beer in the living room and his wife is having a mental breakdown in the kitchen) x

Correct. And in those countries, it is very common for even middle class families to have servants or a maid to help with cooking and clean. So if you were living there, you would have the support of the other women living in the multi-generation house, plus outside help to take the burden of some of the cooking and cleaning. Is your husband planning to help you cook and clean, or is he planning to hire a maid to help you? If the answer is no, then maybe he needs to consider that your situation is different, so his expectations should also change somewhat.

Don’t let your husband use “culture” as an excuse to mug you off.

Sounds like your house is going to be like a student doss house over Christmas unless you put your foot down. What self-respecting, fully-fledged adult wants to sleep on a mattress on someone’s living room floor over the festive period?!

I am sorry about your bereavement. Maybe your husband genuinely thinks that a full house will do you good (I’m trying hard to find an excuse for his poor behaviour). He needs to be told otherwise.

I didn’t even send cards and hardly put up a Christmas tree after a family bereavement

My mother died in early November one year. It hit me like a train just before Christmas and I spent the holiday in absolute bits, crying all the time. Luckily I was by myself, because there's no way I could have hosted anyone, let alone strangers.

You will have to sit down with your Dh and explain you feel otherwise you will have a house full of people who will expect you to be the hostess with the mostess. He needs to be considerate of your grief

This this this. Especially being considerate of your grief. It's bad enough with these extra people, but you've just lost your DM, first Xmas without her, you've no idea how the grief is going to catch you at odd moments.

Where's your husband's accommodation of your culture and traditions, and respect for your grief?

This! It sounds like his way of supporting your grief is to give you a fuck tonne of stress and work over Xmas!

When people on here refer to how things just ‘are’ in their cultures, it seems like a lot of women poking up with really crap situations in their own house so other people (in their husband’s family, usually) are kept happy. How miserable.

OP, in my husband’s culture it’s also the done thing for family members to come whenever they want abd for as long as they want. This I can live with, but not friends of family etc. a line has to be drawn somewhere. Well done for putting your foot down about the family friend’s family. You, your culture and your needs need to be respected too

I come from a community culture too. In mine if we can’t house extra unrelated guests we pay for them to stay in hotels. So just be careful that isn’t what this family friend expects (or has agreed) with your DH.

I’d be furious with my dh if he did this, it feels very insensitive to you. He’s not considered you or your dads feelings about Christmas this year without your mum and I can only imagine it will be you doing most of the work!

I’m glad you’ve contacted the single friend and I would stand your ground with this. Hosting both families is enough, this single friend has her own family to look after so doesn’t really need to be at yours. Please check that she has made a booking somewhere before they turn up. I would also not make a massive effort to see them and spend time with them, you have enough to focus on and if it’s dh’s friend then he can
arrange to do something with them if he wants to.

You should go with toddler to spend Christmas with your dad.

Your husband and his family are being very thoughtless, unless they have actually offered to come and do all the cooking and cleaning and help look after your toddler, but it doesn't sound like it.
I am so sorry you have lost your mum. It has been no time at all and I know from experience that Christmas is a very difficult time, especially the first one after the loss of someone you love.

Oh I married into a culture like this.

I simply allow myself to be seen as hostile and "cold" when it comes to sleepovers so there is no requests anymore.

I lost my mind when post partum I had 8 children and 7 extra adults in my small two bedroom house. Even my husband said no more.

You need to get your husband on your side to see how stressful it is.

I think you, and they haven’t quite understood cultural implications because I am struggling to think of a culture where it is ok to celebrate so soon after a matriarch’s death. I think it’s a family tradition overstep thing. Because I’m Arab and I could lodge people in my house for years but em..
I still don’t see how even if they stayed they could celebrate in a house of mourning.

I agree. No one else mentioned OP's dad, her last closest family member. OP and her toddler should stay with him over Christmas. A nice quiet christmas. Husband and his family sound incredibly selfish. I wouldn't want to hang out with in laws and pretend to be happy to a huge group of people and cater to their every whim if I'd lost a parent.

Also, what if the toddler does a big poo explosion but one of the many guests is hogging the bathroom?

You're having six people to stay with you in a 3-bed house over Christmas and you only have one loo and one bath and they're in the same room? That would be a hard 'No' from me, whatever the fuck culture your DH comes from! And if he ever pulled that shit again he would also be spending Christmas in an Airbnb. No wonder the first week of January is the most popular one for contacting divorce lawyers.

High lightning this @Theresa88 ! Check now he's not offering to pay!