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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has invited random people to stay at our house over Christmas

215 replies

Theresa88 · 08/11/2023 00:47

My husband and I live with our toddler, I am English but husband is from a community oriented culture where it’s common for many relatives to stay together in one house.

our families both live in a city quite far away, we have invited them plus his family friend (single 33F) to come to us for Christmas and stay at our house. It’s going to be quite crowded as we only have a small 3 bedroom house but that’s ok, I’m happy to have family stay.

however his family friend has now asked if she can bring her sister and cousin (both of whom I’ve never met) to stay as well for Christmas, and my husband said yes without asking me. I’m not happy about adding people I’ve never met to an already crowded house over Christmas. I told the family friend this and she said her cousin has already booked flights to our city. AIBU to expect them to stay in an Airbnb rather than with us? Obviously husband shouldn’t have told them it was ok without checking with me but also they shouldn’t be asking if they can bring extra people to stay over Christmas for an indefinite period of time (I think they’re intending to stay for new years as well).

OP posts:
ArthurbellaScott · 09/11/2023 12:06

Fuck me that sounds like my idea of hell.

ArthurbellaScott · 09/11/2023 12:07

Sorry, that was my reflexive response to your OP, OP!

Well done for standing your ground.

And I'm sorry for the loss of your mum.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas. Brew

JANEY205 · 09/11/2023 12:23

WELL DONE OP!!

So glad you got rid of the cheeky grifters and set the boundary with your husband!!

Greenpolkadot · 09/11/2023 12:32

Theresa88 · 08/11/2023 00:53

They think they’ll be sleeping on a mattress on the lounge room floor I guess- I don’t even know if we have enough mattresses or pillows.

Id tell your DH to sort out the camping situation.
And if they are sleeping on the living room floor I certainly wouldn't be creeping around because I disturb them

Greenpolkadot · 09/11/2023 12:35

Just seen your update op. Well done.x

JungvsFreud · 09/11/2023 12:37

OldPerson · 08/11/2023 01:27

Trying to get my head around this one. 3-bedroomed house. Bedroom 1: You, husband and child. Bedroom 2: Your Parent(s). Bedroom 3: His parent(s). Single friend sleeps on the sofa. Are the 2 extra guests going to sleep on the downstairs floor? Being English, we need to be organised and tidy. If you're going to cater for 10 people, you need to know when they're arriving and when they're leaving. You also need to know what roles you're handing out. What do the floor guests do with their bedding and luggage? Who gets the bathroom when? Who cooks and cleans when? Who helps you looking after your child when? Work out a daily schedule and roles and expectations. You cannot do everything for 10 people in a 3-bedroom house with a child. Even if you avoid the extra guests, who is in charge of breakfast? who for lunch? who for dinner? who for childcare? Who is shopping? Who for going out for walks and taking your child? But find out when they're leaving, it won't save you going insane, but it will make the first 24 hours passable.

“Being English, we need to be organised and tidy?”. What do you mean by that?

I agree that things should be planned properly, but OP you have been with this guy for donkey years and he has cultural expectations. If you are going to moan about how much you had to bend backwards for his cultural needs, why are you with him and having kids?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/11/2023 12:44

YANBU They are CFs to even think this is ok, despite DH saying it is
I would tell him to book an air b&b now before they get full up
It's not going to be easy with them expecting to visit during meals etc considering your house is crowded and especially as they are strangers to you
I would be furious

Ponderingwindow · 09/11/2023 12:45

Great outcome

the thought of that many people in that amount of space over Christmas was making me antsy as I read. Plus the bathroom queue and the risk of the plumbing failing.

JudgeJ · 09/11/2023 12:50

Theresa88 · 08/11/2023 01:00

It’s domestic flights not international, so not that expensive. I see your point though!

Then you can go and stay in a lovely hotel and leave your husband and his family to fend for themselves.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/11/2023 12:56

Forgot to say I'm so sorry for your loss
The " firsts" after bereavement are so painful

ShinyPebble32 · 09/11/2023 13:46

Get rid of the fucker, asap. So sorry for your loss

DangerousAlchemy · 09/11/2023 14:30

garlictwist · 08/11/2023 05:14

I wouldn't mind but your husband probably should have asked you before agreeing as you can't very well uninvite them now.

You wouldn't mind 10 people sharing 1 bathroom for a week or so @garlictwist ?? 🙄 OP is grieving so i think this it's totally out of order. Your DH should be your biggest champion and supporter OP - not trampling all over your feelings like this.

Miaminmoo · 09/11/2023 15:57

I’d be getting myself a nice hotel and leave all the CF’s to fend for themselves. You’re bending over backwards to accommodate your DH’s culture but how about him defending what you are used to. I could not cope with loads of randoms staying in a house not big enough for an unspecified length of time either and I haven’t just suffered a huge loss. Stand firm - tell DH it’s you or them and I’m so sorry for your loss x

IvorTheEngineDriver · 09/11/2023 16:03

PestilencialCrisis · 08/11/2023 01:02

If it is culturally normal for your husband to share his home with family, then I think you need to be sensitive to the implications of turning people away. Likewise, he should have been sensitive to YOUR cultural norms and considered how additional people over Christmas might be stressful, whether you wanted to be hosting so many for so long etc.

That is the counsel of perfection. In practice, the OP needs to put her foot down.

SallyWD · 09/11/2023 16:17

God, I think I'm a very hospitable person and usually welcome everyone. However, this is ridiculous! Having complete strangers sleeping on your living room floor over Christmas. No way!

mathanxiety · 09/11/2023 16:56

Theresa88 · 08/11/2023 01:10

Thanks everyone I can see this is a cultural issue which can become quite awkward and I am seen as rude. This is in the broader context of 12 years of relationship and 7 years of marriage where I have bent over backwards to be sensitive to his culture, including having about half of the guests at our wedding being people I had never met before.
It’s also my first Christmas without my mother who died a few months ago so I guess I’m not feeling in a very festive mood to be celebrating and hosting a lot of people.

To heck with cultural sensitivity.

Your husband owes you gar more consideration than he is showing.

Tell him it's now up to him to arrange appropriate comfortable sleeping quarters for the people he has invited, and he will also be footing the bill for their food and doing the catering for them.

Do not go along with this insanity.

Snowflakeslayer · 09/11/2023 18:21

They simply need to be told there isn’t room, and to find a local b&b etc. simple. Your OH will have to explain to them that he acted rashly, and it won’t work. Simple.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 09/11/2023 18:22

I think I would be saying I thought the friend had no place to go and was coming alone, if they have people to bring they have other options. Tell him your not comfortable having strangers in an already crowded house.

chattyness · 09/11/2023 18:29

deleted as I see you've got it sorted ,well done x

MachineBee · 09/11/2023 19:29

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 08/11/2023 01:37

I would take the child and go and stay in a nice hotel. Your DH can sleep on the floor in the lounge and host.

This!

SpatulaSpatula · 09/11/2023 19:30

Poor you. Definitely a cultural thing. I'm not sure his family would understand if you asked the extras to stay elsewhere, so you'll have to decide if this is a hill to die on.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/11/2023 19:50

I'm going to go against the crowd here. If I'd paid an expensive flight to go somewhere far away on the basis of having been told that accommodation would be provided, I wouldn't then be willing to pay for alternative accommodation if I'd only made the decision to travel based on the accommodation being available.

So the blame is the DH's and NOT the extra guests who are only acting on the information they were given. It's pretty nasty to withdraw an offer once people have paid for their travel.

"Let them stay in a hotel" is a common MN refrains based on many MNers being rich enough to do this, not realising that not everyone is or that sending friends and family to a hotel can be seen as very rude.

EarthSight · 09/11/2023 19:53

Simple - if he wants those guests over, he takes care of everything. Food and bedding all prepared by him.

He won't though will he as he probably sees that as women's work?

SkyFullofStars1975 · 09/11/2023 19:56

It's my 1st Christmas without my Dad, and we've just got immediate family here. They've all promised to muck in. I'm not looking forward to it, honestly, I'd pass this one by in a dark room with a duvet over my head. Last Christmas was bad enough spending the day in and out of the hospice.

I hope and your Dad find some peace together to mourn your loss Flowers

Macaronichee · 09/11/2023 19:58

YRNBU but it would be kind to accept them and just see it as a very different Christmas this year. I regret having viewed such matters in a more selfish light in the past.

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