To think I’m just not cut out for motherhood?

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Never been maternal, never wanted children. Had a baby last year, they’re 14 months and I cannot believe how much I absolutely adore them.

BUT, I feel so unhappy at the moment. I find entertaining them now they’re a ‘toddler’ tedious. You can’t really ‘play’ with them as they don’t know what they’re doing and still aren’t capable of much. I hate playing anyway but I give it a go, for my baby.

I’m so aware that I’m on my phone a lot. I put it down, start interacting with DC and then get bored after 5 mins and pick it up, I have to force myself to put it back down again. I have no idea what to say to DC half the time, I feel awkward, like I’ve always felt around children, except up til now I haven’t felt that, I did believe it was different with your own but that awkwardness is now creeping in to my interactions with my own DC.

DH is the most amazing father, so hands on and LOVES to play. He’s never on his phone in front of our DC, always 100% engaged. DC absolutely adores him too, I think prefers him to me actually which makes me feel even more like shit.

It’s my day off today and I decided when I got up this morning that I was going to give DC my full attention until they went up for their morning nap, and I pretty much did manage an hour and 20 mins of just interacting and playing but I was bored out of my skull and again, it just felt so awkward and forced on my part, I’m just not a natural.

It doesn’t help that we’ve got endless sickness in the household too as DC is bringing so many bugs back from nursery, it feels non stop. Our marriage has gone to shit the last 6 months I’d say, I’m worried about the future of it and all the constant rain and bad weather the last few weeks hasn’t helped.

I just feel anxious and fed up recently and feel so guilty that I’m just not the parent I want to be. I see people like my SIL who is like a children’s tv personality, no awkwardness, loves children, could happily play alllll day and I wonder why I can’t be like that.

You are not alone op. Not everyone is like your SIL. Some of us prefer adult company or even our own company. Toddlers are cute but baby talk, cbbc, games are zzzzxx.

I always said I didn't want kids and here I am at 37 with a 13mo. I love him to bits and am so glad I had him but I'm the same in that the constant having to interact feels tedious especially when you're the sahp. It's just so relentless. I haven't even got the option of toddler group because we went a few times and he just cried the whole time so had to jack that in😫 don't really have any advice but wanted you to know that you're not alone in the way you feel

I’m exactly the same. I hated the baby / toddler phase (although it’s different with your second as mine was entertained by his brother so didn’t require the same levels of playing from me). I threw myself into the bits I did enjoy (cooking healthy meals, snacks, and going for puddle walks etc) interspersed with a little bit of play. Get out as much as you can - even in bad weather.

If you’re anything like me (and it sounds like you may be), you’ll love the older children years. Mine are 10 & 7 now and honestly they are the best company. I even love standing at the side of a football pitch which I never thought I would. I still don’t particularly like other people’s young children, but my own and their friends are wonderful.

Just act the perfect parent, do what perfect parents do, and soon enough it will seem normal. Also, kids just love their parents and are happy to be around them.

it is you criticising yourself, not her! Be a little kinder to yourself. If you feel better doing certain things, then just do them and give yourself a pat on the back.

I had a realisation that the only way I would be clean enough, sociable enough, beautiful enough, funny enough, hard working enough etc was to work really hard at it. I didn’t want to fail them more than I have ever not wanted to fail anything. So I made the effort. But the real heart and soul of parenting is in building a home and a family. Rituals that are just yours, days, places, foods, objects that are filled with love. So that caring about the things they care about really matter. That they feel happy, loved and secure. I am pretty sure that you are ALREADY doing this. The first sentence gave it away. They just need love- everything else is secondary.

Honestly OP I think a lot of parents feel the same. I have days where I'm completely immersed in her and other days where I can't find it in me to play and it bores me. On those days I let the outside do the entertaining. I get out every morning after breakfast and walk the dog for an hour. Before her first nap is due. After that it's out to visit family or the park or a cafe which takes us to lunch time, I stay out until her second nap then let her nap in the car or at home. And then it's about an hour until dinner, in which time I play in between cooking and then after dinner it's another hour until bed. That last hour I find the hardest and spend most of it playing with her or reading books but if I genuinely don't have it in me...ms Rachel goes on and I tidy and Hoover.
I think with children this small the trick is to just get out as much as you can. Plus it's so wonderful for their development! I always feel like a better mum when we're out the house.

Sitting and playing with your small child for hours on end is pretty boring tbh - and I say that as someone who really wanted children and love being a mum. Can you go to baby groups and chat to other mums? That saved my sanity!

I always wanted children and thought I’d be a natural earth mother finger painting and playing at day. I was actually bored shitless. I could never understand the other mothers at toddler group in rapt joy at the mindless repetition of ‘wind the bobbin up’ or ‘the wheels on the bus’ - I wanted to scream at them and ask them if they had lost their fucking minds.

As a loving mother, I dutifully suffered all the boredom (and the toll that takes on the marriage) but where I have benefitted is that I taught them independence skills at an early age and enjoyed them more and more as they’ve got older. I also went back to work asap which gives you a break and brings in money to do nice things and get out.

As teenagers and young people I never had a problem because they were used to making responsible decisions and I treated them like mini adults. I love seeing how they adventure out in the world and love hearing their gossip and stories. We get on so well now and we all enjoy hanging out together.

So there is hope. Put the graft in now and you will be rewarded!

Kids change so it won’t be like this forever. I take my LB out, I struggle to entertain him at home but I live doing outings with him. You don’t need to create fun because the trip is the entertainment.

My mum.never wanted kids or had any remotely maternal feelings. I suggest you get some help so that you can be more interested in your child. It's very obvious as a child that your parent finds you tedious (top tip, children don't exist to remove your ennui)

@Conkersinautumn perfect parent alert

Young toddler play is tedious. At that age I mostly avoided it by taking my son out and about, enjoying the outdoors while i drank coffee. I left the "play" stuff to nursery and his grandparents! They get more fun to play with when they're a little older.

🤣🤣🤣 yeah we all must just be awful fucking parents🙄

I think I'm similar to you -- I didn't hate the baby stage but it never felt very 'me' and I got through it by being like that bit in Peep Show where Mark's going "I'm Louis Theroux". Just a weird science experiment really. Tips: Talk to them about what you're interested in if possible. Like, I like going to art galleries and watching nature documentaries, both interests which can be adapted for a child without necessarily pandering to babyhood. Also, another telly one, but get the kid into cartoons from your childhood. They won't care either way but you might like it more.

It's all worth it because I absolutely LOVE having an older kid. 3+ things started picking up a lot, and then really from 5ish. Babies are like a cute pet but older kids are funny and interesting and the other day we went out for a day in the city and it was just like having a daft best mate who talked me into going for sushi on the way home.

Assuming you’re sticking with one, just give it a couple of years and it will be SO much fun. I was the same, still hate playing with nearly 7yo but we have a lot of fun together still.

If you don't like playing with your DC can you find other ways to engage? Get outside, get some fresh air.

Even a trip to the supermarket can be exciting at that age.

Bath time is another good way of engaging.

What sort of things do you currently do with DC?

I've been in my DSDs life since she'd just turned 3. I'm so glad I missed the baby stage as I find babies really boring and hard work. Weirdly enough I loved looking after my baby cousins when I was a teenager.

I had to babysit a foster child of my parents at short notice for a whole day and it definitely reassured me that I didn't want to have my own kids. And he was a great baby.

It definitely gets easier as they get older and can communicate and understand better.

God I find playing with my toddler so tedious and I know lots of my friends feel the same. Different people do better with different ages, don't beat yourself up that this age isn't the most enjoyable for you. I agree with previous posters that the key is to get out of the house as much as you can. It breaks the day up, gives you both a change of scenery and the world is entertaining enough for them when they're that age. I promise you won't always feel like this.

I’m not really as good at play as I hoped to be. I get outside with her a lot as I’m better there even if it can be a bit more stressful, I’m less likely to look at my phone and there’s more to see and do- collect stones from the park, kick a ball around, go on the swings and slide at the park, get books from the library, go to the shops and pick a nice snack, go to a cafe with a play area etc also toddler groups are great just for new toys, a hot drink and seeing other adults even if you only say “hi”. I do daytime baths too. DD is 2 now and in many ways easier as she can communicate more (although she also has more tantrums which can be challenging too).

You’re not alone OP! I much prefer parenting now DD is 8, I’ve never been one for enjoying “playing”. Jigsaws, painting, any sort of crafting I can do.. playing with dolls etc I always struggled with and didn’t enjoy. That’s not to say I didn’t do it, but that age felt pretty monotonous if we spent the whole day at home.

The toddler stage was torture for me, I dont mind admitting Inwould let everything else do the entertaining for me - screens, other people, parks, zoos, cafes, dogs, whatever! I am the 'experience facilitator' not a breathing clown toy. DD now seems fine, very sociable, doing well at school and we enjoy spending time together doing art, going out for the day etc and we talk a lot.

In your shoes I'd just be so grateful and relieved dad does that bit; your kid is loved, clean, fed etc. Dont sweat the small stuff that will be forgotten in 5yrs anyway

Don't worry OP 1 year olds are really difficult to parent. They aren't big enough to 'play' properly, can't speak properly but aren't content to just sit there like a baby is. I really struggled with this age but found 2 much, much better

Full time OP. You won't regret it. You will probably find you will enjoy your child more when he is out of the boring toddler stage and you can interact more with him. This is totally normal.

You're in the trenches right now, this pre-school, post-baby stage is the absolute hardest part. It gets easier, it really does, so it's just about coping until then.

First, don't feel bad about not enjoying this part, a lot of people don't, and the ones that do love to make us feel shitty about it.

Second, kids that young don't much care what they're doing, they just love to do it with you, so think about your own interests and how you can do that with your kid. Bonus points if you can link it to an aspect of development. Love music? Put your favourite songs on and dance with them, it's good exercise and helps them learn gross motor skills. Like reading? Read the books you enjoy to your child, at that age they don't care if it's The Hungry Caterpillar or War and Peace, they just love hearing your voice, and it's good for their vocabulary. Like gardening? Give them their own little patch of flowerbed or a pot, some wildflower seeds and a plastic trowel, motor skills and science at once! The main thing is spending time together and interacting. If you're doing the things you enjoy alongside your child, you're happy AND being a good mum. Everyone wins.

Small children are a boring slog. Energy vampires. I quite like a sleepy newborn – lots of TV time and reading books in exchange for having a snuggly slug on your shoulder 24/7 – but the stage from crawling to independent play is long and unrewarding imo. Then they finally bugger off to their room for a short time each day and you think “ooh, I’ll have another” and then you’re scuppered. Then they start school and somehow it creates more work AND they become goblins? I’m hanging on for the part where they become accomplished adults who visit occasionally bringing conversation and wine.

It gets easier! They are boring at that age. When they start talking and really playing they'll make you laugh.

I found I enjoyed my time more when I started doing things that we both genuinely enjoyed. For me this was going to a cafe and ordering pastries, going to bookshops, going round friends' houses, going to see new places and going for walks by the sea. See what you would ideally do on your day off, and see if there is anything that would also be comatible with your child, and just start doing those things.