To think I’m just not cut out for motherhood?

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Never been maternal, never wanted children. Had a baby last year, they’re 14 months and I cannot believe how much I absolutely adore them.

BUT, I feel so unhappy at the moment. I find entertaining them now they’re a ‘toddler’ tedious. You can’t really ‘play’ with them as they don’t know what they’re doing and still aren’t capable of much. I hate playing anyway but I give it a go, for my baby.

I’m so aware that I’m on my phone a lot. I put it down, start interacting with DC and then get bored after 5 mins and pick it up, I have to force myself to put it back down again. I have no idea what to say to DC half the time, I feel awkward, like I’ve always felt around children, except up til now I haven’t felt that, I did believe it was different with your own but that awkwardness is now creeping in to my interactions with my own DC.

DH is the most amazing father, so hands on and LOVES to play. He’s never on his phone in front of our DC, always 100% engaged. DC absolutely adores him too, I think prefers him to me actually which makes me feel even more like shit.

It’s my day off today and I decided when I got up this morning that I was going to give DC my full attention until they went up for their morning nap, and I pretty much did manage an hour and 20 mins of just interacting and playing but I was bored out of my skull and again, it just felt so awkward and forced on my part, I’m just not a natural.

It doesn’t help that we’ve got endless sickness in the household too as DC is bringing so many bugs back from nursery, it feels non stop. Our marriage has gone to shit the last 6 months I’d say, I’m worried about the future of it and all the constant rain and bad weather the last few weeks hasn’t helped.

I just feel anxious and fed up recently and feel so guilty that I’m just not the parent I want to be. I see people like my SIL who is like a children’s tv personality, no awkwardness, loves children, could happily play alllll day and I wonder why I can’t be like that.

No one has asked yet as really, what use is the answer? The baby is here now.

Whispers kids are actually quite boring, part of them establishing the world is repeating words, games, other experiences. Wiping arses, vomit and blending food to mush really isn’t the holy grail of life experiences it’s made out to be. Don’t let others dictate what a good or bad parent is. Good parents are educated and drilled into their children’s needs, that doesn’t mean they are necessarily enjoying themselves whilst they do this very important job. Unlike others who are suggesting baby groups (which I absolutely hated), I would find a baby gym/yoga other adult activity that permits littlest ones and see if you can find someone else looking for ADULT company. I found baby groups attract a special type of ‘incy wincy spider’ chanter, urgh.

Get out and about more or up hours at nursery. You might be the sort of person that prefers it from about 2.5+ when they can do things with you a bit more and hold a conversation

I wanted children and have had three. I went back to work to avoid constant parenting 😂 I truly question people who love being SAHPs. It's so dull imo.

You're not alone. Decades ago, people would knit and read to have their own time, now it's phones. Don't feel guilty, it's perfectly normal for an adult to not find toddler communication stimulating!

When your child gets older, you'll likely love it. I'm enjoying my kids more and more as they grow. One is 5 now and starting to have some good chat (especially since starting school)

You aren't 'not cut out' for parenting because you are indeed a parent. As others have pointed out, yes you may find parenting difficult or dull at times. I 100% agree with this, however, I do think it is important not to use it as an excuse to justify not bothering. Ultimately your DD only has one childhood and yes you should be putting your phone away (in a different room if the temptation is too great if it's in your pocket) and giving her your full attention ie talking/playing/reading with her every day. Not all day every day, but in my (unqualified) opinion 30 mins-1hr of quality attention is the bare minimum a child should be getting daily.

Aurasaurus has the perfect answer.
And I would also remember that you would not be permitted to be on your phone during work hours. Treat child care like a real job.
You might be happier with a small part time job - something to add a bit of variety and companionship to your week.
Alternatively take the baby to a play group where you can socialise while watching the baby.

Give yourself a break, you are doing great.

This age is hard and I felt the same way! I got through it with lots of help from enthusiastic grandparents, nursery and I put podcasts on while sitting playing with her. I also let her potter a lot, she loves getting into things and I don’t think children need entertaining 100% of the time.

Mine is 20 months now and already much easier. She is developing an imagination so we can play shops or tea parties and she loves to do play-doh, colouring, stickers and painting. It makes it so much easier when they can talk and express their feelings.

I felt the same way about my phone and bought a lock box from Amazon that shuts my phone away for a preset period of time and it won’t open until that time has passed.

I’ve always sucked at playing too. But I would do short bursts for my children but I also feel them Plato by independently is important too.

I was much better at the role play type stuff, hairdressers and doctors and stuff like that. Colouring, crafting, magazines, reading.

appreciate yourself for what you’re good at

You learn to be a mother

It's a process

Some people are naturally good at this, or have easier set up and more support

But the bottom line is that it IS hard (it's not you, you are not doing it wrong , it's just a very hard job) and you learn as you get along

In 10 months or so you'll be surprised how much they understand your instructions and daily situations. Then you'll start to enjoy interactions with your child more. I found the early two years boring. I did my best but I constantly felt bored. Only after I think I started to enjoy interactions wirh my child. My child is my favourite company.

I hate playing. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I found baby groups and taking DCs out for walks in the sling to be absolute life savers. I can’t sit around at home.

The other thing to be aware of OP is that very well intentioned people will give you advice that isn't age appropriate. This was a real thing during the lockdown. People will remember stuff like painting and baking with their kids but I think the age gets fuzzy and they can't remember if their child was 18 months or 3 years. It's a massive gap developmentally.

Personally I was never a fan of any activity that meant set up and clear up that took four times as long as it did for the toddler to lose interest. There's no shame in not taking advice that doesn't actually work for you.

What’s with all this ‘they’ nonsense? It is either he or she.

Being a mother to a young child is tough. Some are more suited to it than others, just like anything else in life! But you can always learn to do it better, and I hope you feel you can d that if you arent happy with how it is going currently.

Play to your strengths - what do YOU like doing? Involve your toddler in that. I can't bear baking, but some people love it. I go to a lot of toddler groups though, because I like a cuppa and a chat. Some people would find it monotonous as it rarely gets beyond small talk. If you like music, find a "Bach to Baby" group or similar. Like to dance? There are activities for mum and baby to boogie. What do YOU like? Your toddler just wants your time, they are very flexible on what that looks like.

The days at long when they have a short attention span. That for of course get much better over time. But in the meantime I used to have a checklist of things that I had to have done before I was alloowed to pick up my phone 😛we had to have sung 3 action songs, walked outside for at least 15 minutes and looked at 2 books. You know what? By the time we had done that it was usually nap time!

You'll build up a bank of things that work and that you can get involved in. 15 minutes of Mark making e.g. you get the crayons out and draw a person. Talk to your toddler about what you are drawing "where does the mouth go? Oh, he's smiling!" And let your toddler scribble all over it. All 3 of mine have loved that sort of thing. You lead th activity but there is plenty for them to do and not too much mess made. If something is done with them regularly, but not so often that they get bored you'll find their attention span gets longer for that activity.

Some people might not want to use he or she to keep things more anonymous. I often use DC rather than DS or DD for that reason. I know whether my child is a boy or a girl, but if it's not relevant to the subject being discussed then the rest of the world doesn't need to know that.

I'm not doing it in a gender neutral way. It's because I'd like to keep the post more anonymous.

Babies are quite boring IMHO. Lots of folk dont enjoy this baby play. You're not alone.

I found sharing my interests with the baby/toddler helped. I took her places that I like to go and we watched TV I enjoyed - Dastardly and Mutley, Trapdoor, Cities of Gold etc... She didn't care and it stopped my brain melting (although I did develop a love for Iggle Piggle).

You are not alone. I enjoyed her far more when she could chat with me. She's 12 now and wonderful fun and tells me I am a great mum!

Thank you for all of the replies, people are very kind.

I actually really enjoyed my day with them yesterday, we were out with the dogs for 2 hours, running about the fields, splashing in puddles. Out in the garden to play in their sandpit and go on their swing when we got back.

It helped that they were in a good mood as a lot of the time lately it's just whinge, whinge, whinge all day long due to teething and illnesses.

I wouldn't personally want to go back to work full time at the moment, I'm happy with the balance of part time. I think I do just need to start getting out and about with them more on my days off. Weekends can sometimes be hard as DH works 2 weekends out of 4 and if my mum's not about it can get really lonely as all my friends aren't really up for meeting during the day at weekends as it's their own 'family' time, which is fair enough.

I'm just not a massive fan of the toddler groups, they're either really cliquey or it's just making boring small talk about all the mundane stuff that I just don't care about, but I probably do need to start giving them another go.

I'll try not to beat myself up about not being a natural with toddlers. I think it's my in laws that are making me feel insecure. My MIL made a comment/ dig the other day which really upset me. When we see her and SIL together, they're both like 2 bloody children's entertainers, almost trying to outdo each other with how engaging and 'fun' they are with DC. It's tedious, but it does make me worry DC will start preferring them, a bit like they seem to be doing with their dad at the moment, lol.

I should also say, I'm finding it a bit more difficult in the last few months since myself and all my mum friends have gone back to work. I did have about 5-6 friends with similar aged babies that I'd meet up with each week, but we all work different days and it's really hard to get together with any of them now, I probably see one of them every couple of weeks? It's just not the same really.

Tbh it sounds more like you are lonely and a bit down, rather than struggling with being a mum. Your confidence sounds quite low (baby will like other people better than me, I’m no good etc). Concentrate on doing stuff to make you feel better, get more time with mates.

And ignore the inlaws trying to be like Timmy Mallett - no one can keep that up all the time. Sound like tedious showoffs to me.

The children's entertainer approach can really backfire and leave you with a child who's incapable of playing by themselves. Remember everything has it's pros and cons.

Motherhood isn’t only this bit - you’re their mother for life. Your child will grow up and what you do with them will change and they will need you in different ways. Some people are better at some bits of parenting than others. My DH, is brilliant with babies and toddlers but he is not very good with pre-teens and teenagers. Whereas I’m the other way round. Just because you find one stage particularly hard and tedious, it does not mean you are failing at motherhood overall. Try not to be so hard on yourself, OP.

I'm not even sure children like people clowning around too much of the time, it's so overstimulating. In my experience most like people who they can be silly with for a bit but then just 'be' around without any need for pantomime performance.