To think I’m just not cut out for motherhood?

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Never been maternal, never wanted children. Had a baby last year, they’re 14 months and I cannot believe how much I absolutely adore them.

BUT, I feel so unhappy at the moment. I find entertaining them now they’re a ‘toddler’ tedious. You can’t really ‘play’ with them as they don’t know what they’re doing and still aren’t capable of much. I hate playing anyway but I give it a go, for my baby.

I’m so aware that I’m on my phone a lot. I put it down, start interacting with DC and then get bored after 5 mins and pick it up, I have to force myself to put it back down again. I have no idea what to say to DC half the time, I feel awkward, like I’ve always felt around children, except up til now I haven’t felt that, I did believe it was different with your own but that awkwardness is now creeping in to my interactions with my own DC.

DH is the most amazing father, so hands on and LOVES to play. He’s never on his phone in front of our DC, always 100% engaged. DC absolutely adores him too, I think prefers him to me actually which makes me feel even more like shit.

It’s my day off today and I decided when I got up this morning that I was going to give DC my full attention until they went up for their morning nap, and I pretty much did manage an hour and 20 mins of just interacting and playing but I was bored out of my skull and again, it just felt so awkward and forced on my part, I’m just not a natural.

It doesn’t help that we’ve got endless sickness in the household too as DC is bringing so many bugs back from nursery, it feels non stop. Our marriage has gone to shit the last 6 months I’d say, I’m worried about the future of it and all the constant rain and bad weather the last few weeks hasn’t helped.

I just feel anxious and fed up recently and feel so guilty that I’m just not the parent I want to be. I see people like my SIL who is like a children’s tv personality, no awkwardness, loves children, could happily play alllll day and I wonder why I can’t be like that.

Speaking to friends and found this is normal. The only friend who enjoyed the baby age was the one whose baby was a brilliant sleeper, could play independently and teeth popped out without any fuss.

Easy to say when you don't have a clinger of a child.

YANBU , it's so boring isn't it. I hated playing.
I was happier with singing and dancing so I used to put music on and dance and she'd laugh and smile, even from a baby. Never minded making an idiot of myself 🤣 and she joined in when she was older.

Otherwise I echo what other people said about getting out and about if you can . You don't have to play if you are visiting somewhere.

I never enjoyed playing with my kids. Yawn. However I took them loads of places to keep us all entertained.. baby groups, toddler stuff, clubs.
There is a good reason women go back to work and childcare exists and it's not always about earning money

This is the main reason I haven't had kids, OP.

I figured quite early on that, while I'd quite a mini me (or mini DH, really) running around, I have ZERO desire to be a parent. I actually think this is the fundamental question people should ask themselves when deciding whether or not to procreate; not just if they 'want a baby'. But lots don't - then find the realities of parenthood a complete culture shock.

What sorts of things do you like to do? Is it possible to do these things with your toddler? The happiest parents I know are the ones who have found a way for a child to fit into their existing lifestyle; not create a 'new' lifestyle to accommodate a child.

One thing I found really helpful was learning from another mother who was very good with small children. She didn't do wheels on the bus. She played music SHE liked. She read books to them that were what she was reading. Nothing salacious or violent but if she was reading Pride and Prejudice, she would read it aloud to them. The kids learned to like it too.

My MIL also did not do wheels on the bus. She would teach them simple card games. Take a walk and tells them about the birds. Look for nice rocks. They "work" beside her in the garden. She would tell them about what she was planting, point out a bug, explain why you need to cover up potatoes, things like that. Again, it's around what SHE liked, and they learned to like it.

You just have to find what style works for you. They really just want to interact with you in a pleasant way.

Toddlers are gorgeous but pretty boring tbh, it's not just you.

It gets better.

Try to make sure you have some constructive time for yourself; go out to dinner with your friends or do an evening class if you can't manage it during the day.

Even 5 or 10 minutes play with your toddler is better than nothing. Start them off with something (like building a tower), do it with them for a few minutes, then go do something else (empty the dishwasher etc) while keeping an eye on them and checking in / commenting occasionally.

I have no advice about how to stay off your phone, the only way I normally manage this is by losing the phone periodically.

You're definitely not alone. Babies are lovely, they're cute and sleep most of the time, cuddles are lovely - but the non speaking toddler phase is tedious. It does improve though, when you can have conversations and DO things with them. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Definitely not alone!!!! I was terrible at playing with mine - really never did. I found structure really helped.. we had an outing every morning… music class, swimming, play date, trip to the park, supermarket…. anything! Then home for
lunch and snooze (when I got my stuff done…) - then up and out again… even if just a walk with the dog…. I really didn’t ‘play’ - but I did read my babies/toddlers/children lots of books… and chatted to them constantly… I loved them madly, but didn’t find the baby/toddler years easy at all. Once they reached school age it was MUCH easier… Hang in there! X

Between one and two can be really quite hard work and boring. They need entertaining, but can’t really do anything for too long. I was a SAHM and I used to find it soooo much better to just get out and about. You get to chat to other adults and I used to find I engaged much better with my children when I wasn’t distracted by the sight of a messy house or piles of laundry. Most of the time, even going to the park for a bit on a chilly day is better than being at home. You get to walk/drive there, potentially see other people you know and your child is nicely entertained whilst you both get some fresh air. Make yourself up a schedule and go to it. It will massively help the boredom and both of you will benefit. It will all get more interesting and easier as your child gets older. I now have a super chatty 4 year old, who is very good at general chat (possibly because she witnessed me doing so much small talk at playgroups!) and she’s great company.

OMG I could have written this post! You are definitely not alone! However, your baby is safe, loved, warm and fed. You’re smashing it mama!

Could you do some home study or take up a new hobby, to give you something else to focus on? It IS a hard time but it WILL pass. Also, maybe you need some ‘mood’ vitamins (B) to help you cope too.
the fact that it bothers you shows you’re a good mother.

I’m the same but I have twin 15 month olds! Man I hoped they’d entertain each other a bit by now! I will play with them and sing and read stories but by midday I’m bored stiff! I think if most parents were honest they’d admit the same! I find getting out for a walk resets us all if we’re getting a little bored and tetchy. I honestly wanted to try for another thinking I would be totally invested. But having 2 has made me so so miserable. There are 2 babies crying at you and 2 to feed and clean up after etc, my life is so monotonous I could scream most days.

I really disliked the toddler phase. By age 4 towards 5 onwards it was much more rewarding I found, with less stress and chaos.

You will get past it, perhaps you’ll be more suited to the stages in the future. The baby stage is often boring to be honest! On a practical point, general narration is a great way to know what to say and help interaction. It also avoids the baby talk as you can simply narrate what you’re doing. For example, ‘Mummy is peeling the potatoes because we’re having them for dinner tonight. Do you like potatoes? Mummy does!’ Also, setting yourself a focus for the day like you did will help. Today we’re going to get the paints out and the puzzles, tomorrow we will go to the park, etc. Breaking the day into manageable stages is achievable and feels like you’re giving your child a focus too. On the point about a parent preference, I found this too! But then realised it was often because I was doing the practical things with my children tagging along yet dad was able to have more play time. It’s annoying to be honest but equally can accept that he might be better at certain play than you. Setting a focus for the time you have supports this. Carve time out for you that isn’t around the house, the baby, the family, etc so you can be refreshed when you are.

How many children have you got?

I found it was easier if I babysat my sister's kids who are older than my child. My niece and nephew enjoyed playing with my child and I could do something else.

Playing is tedious! We had ‘activities’ free places we went. Fire department, library, grocery shopping, play dates, relative visits, baby club and so on. When baby is a little older - crafts will save your sanity! I did crafts with ds that ‘I’ liked, sure I’d tailor it for him but if I hated it we didn’t do it! Honestly I hardly ever ‘played’ with ds; it was more we ran around and did stuff and did crafts. When older, zoo, planetarium, museums, concerts, etc.

Maybe if you referred to the child in a specific gender as him or her as opposed to they/them you wouldn't be trying to mix apples and oranges. At first reading I thought you had twins.

Totally remember this , the endless play was not easy for me either, but I found that picture books and short stories a life saver , reading to toddlers calmed them and me , it became an evolving thing as they grew,
now I look back on those books with so much fondness, my now twenty year old remembers the story and picture books we shared
and as a grown up she loves books and literature, I had no education in this area
but her love of story and now so much in the world of books film etc
I know comes from the huge amount of time spent reading together
also while cooking, just stirring a mixture of what ever I was cooking for the days meal whilst standing on a chair beside me
has now given her a love of cooking
same goes for gardening, planting seeds , dead heading flowers etc
playing toddler games wasn’t a thing for me ether but just doing normal daily chores
from a a really young age is great
even clearing toys up into a basket is a fun thing if you make it one .
also teaches them to take care of their stuff later

Perfect answer. Wish I’d read your post when mine were small. Thank you!

Completely normal.

Remember we're adults. Of course we're going to find 'playing' a bit tedious. Most of us would much rather be sat drinking coffee browsing shit on our phones. Because that's an adult thing to do.
Most parents force themselves to play/interact with their child but honestly you don't have to all the time.

I used to take my DD out and let wherever we went entertain her. I took her to petting zoos, parks etc. Yea it was still a bit tedious but at least it was fresh air and a change of scenery for me too.

Yes there is always more you could be doing, and yes there will always be the Disney parents out there who saturate their Instagram with pictures of different creative tuff tray setups or baking or amazing Pinterest type activities set up but I can guarantee that the majority are only doing all that because they feel they should, not because they actually enjoy any of it.

Long story short, don't sweat it.
My DD is 4 now and I can tell you now I much prefer her company now than I did when she was 14 months. I can actually have a conversation with her now, for a start.

I’m a teacher and found being home alone with my baby/toddler really tedious. My maternity leave was spent out the house at as many baby and toddler groups that I could find. I needed the adult company to chat with other mums and often they were similar. Some days I’d be out wandering the shopping mall other other places we could people watch or see things. Staying home and playing was just not my thing. I found it harder my my ex left when my second child was around 18 months. That meant bed times were on me. And that period after school/nursery before bed was like the witching hour. But teaching is different. It’s structured, I’m trained, the kids I worked with were older primary at one point and now I work with sen. But I’m never one my own trying to entertain one child.

I think you might find a lot of parents feel the same in the early days. Mine are now older and can entertain themselves. They go to plenty activities. When home they do now use technology to keep busy - often calling friends though and doing homework together over FaceTime or just sometimes reading or colouring but with their friend on a call! We still go out and do loads of lovely things together but they’re more self sufficient and less reliant on me. We still have our moments.

As everyone else says, I am sure it will get better. You need a balance. Why not go back to work part time? I had twins and went back to work part time three days a week just after their first birthday. It was the best thing I did. I found a fantastic childminder and I loved being with grown-ups again at work but equally I loved the days I had with my daughters.

@aloris Agree with sharing the things you love. Much dancing around the kitchen to the music I love come the witching hour. And reading books, poems, magazines I like together. Also, the joy of audio books, radio, podcasts TOGETHER that you can comment on/talk to them about.

They will absorb it all and one day share their stuff with you, too.

There is no need to be a children’s entertainer. Be you. Share your stuff with them.

I read all sorts of classic literature out loud for my own sanity when they were very small. Never confessed it beyond the four walls (and now here) but it has done no harm.