To think I’m just not cut out for motherhood?

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Never been maternal, never wanted children. Had a baby last year, they’re 14 months and I cannot believe how much I absolutely adore them.

BUT, I feel so unhappy at the moment. I find entertaining them now they’re a ‘toddler’ tedious. You can’t really ‘play’ with them as they don’t know what they’re doing and still aren’t capable of much. I hate playing anyway but I give it a go, for my baby.

I’m so aware that I’m on my phone a lot. I put it down, start interacting with DC and then get bored after 5 mins and pick it up, I have to force myself to put it back down again. I have no idea what to say to DC half the time, I feel awkward, like I’ve always felt around children, except up til now I haven’t felt that, I did believe it was different with your own but that awkwardness is now creeping in to my interactions with my own DC.

DH is the most amazing father, so hands on and LOVES to play. He’s never on his phone in front of our DC, always 100% engaged. DC absolutely adores him too, I think prefers him to me actually which makes me feel even more like shit.

It’s my day off today and I decided when I got up this morning that I was going to give DC my full attention until they went up for their morning nap, and I pretty much did manage an hour and 20 mins of just interacting and playing but I was bored out of my skull and again, it just felt so awkward and forced on my part, I’m just not a natural.

It doesn’t help that we’ve got endless sickness in the household too as DC is bringing so many bugs back from nursery, it feels non stop. Our marriage has gone to shit the last 6 months I’d say, I’m worried about the future of it and all the constant rain and bad weather the last few weeks hasn’t helped.

I just feel anxious and fed up recently and feel so guilty that I’m just not the parent I want to be. I see people like my SIL who is like a children’s tv personality, no awkwardness, loves children, could happily play alllll day and I wonder why I can’t be like that.

There are lots and lots and lots of different types of good, loving mum. Not all good, loving mums have to be crafts mum, or tv presenter mum, or any particular style of mum at all.

Have you got Audible? I remember this phase, and audiobooks I could put on my headphones SAVED me. Toddlers don’t mind you having earbuds in while you play/take them out, and it gave my brain something to do and engage with while I did the very simple (but dull) stuff.

Toddlers are cute but they are so boring! Some adults just seem to have better tolerance for the repetitive nature of toddler play but really I think most people just fake it, to some extent at least. One thing that sounds daft but (sometimes) saved my sanity was that I would imagine I was on a reality show, an audience was watching my every interaction with my lo so I was extra involved and super nice. I live inside my head a lot anyway so I find i can smile and engage while thinking about more interesting things.

Be realistic, you find playing boring so giving your child 100% undivided attention all morning isn't realistic. Aim for 20 minutes of undivided attention 3 times a day. No parent is perfect, we all have our flaws. You've recognised one of yours and are trying to do better, that makes you a good parent.

Thanks for the replies, it helps to know I’m not alone as everyone I know seems so maternal and like they thoroughly enjoy it. They do all have a lot of family help though (like my SIL for example) and without a doubt, that helps a lot. We have my parents, who do help when they can, but they live 45 mins away and have fairly busy lives so they can’t provide regular childcare, but luckily have babysat the odd time so DH and I can have a meal/ night out.

I work 3 days a week, on my days off I try and get out as much as I can with them as it’s definitely a sanity saver. I’m currently out on a long walk with the dogs and baby is happily babbling in the pram and pointing at things. I used to go to a lot of play groups but found DC was picking up bugs regularly from those too and when they started nursery and were coming home ill from there, I just couldn’t be bothered with them maybe getting ill from groups/ soft play too.

I am going to start risking it soon though and taking them again as they need the stimulation now they’re older. I do go to cafes and shopping etc which again, is a godsend.

DH works weird shifts so some weeks is around loads and other weeks, is barely around at all which I guess doesn’t help. Hats off completely to single mums, it makes me feel efen more pathetic for finding this so hard!!

Could you go full time? I genuinely think my kids are better off being stimulated and playing in nursery with people who can be bothered to do sandpits and painting and water play and stuff than home with me, bored out of my gourd. And I’m a happier and better parent for being stimulated at work, so I’m more mentally set up to spend time with them on the weekends, less burned out by bedtime so I’ll do stories with the voices and give them undivided attention, etc.

They’re much more fun when they get to 3/4+ years old. I hate playing and I’m terrible at it. I try to do as many days out as I can and we always have a good time. Softplay, swimming, outdoor kid group type things, farm parks. I find I’m better out of house rather than being faced with a load of toys that I don’t know what to do with

It sounds like maybe you'd be happier working full time? Would give you more mental energy to engage with your little one if you only had to do it for two full days a week!

I find it really hard to 'play' with my 11 month old- I tend to just sit with her while she plays. I am much better at reading her stories, as I don't have to think of what to say- I have a script!

Top tip which has saved my sanity: when out on walks, have one earphone in and listen to podcasts/audiobooks. Your baby doesn't know and you can still chat to them!

I love this analogy 😂 You’re right too because they make things more enjoyable with the way they see the world. I find running incredibly boring so I take my older boy with me - he sets my pace, keeps me going and makes me laugh with all his random school gossip.

This was the post I meant to quote: they are like daft best mates and are genuinely very entertaining

Get out the house every day and let the world in general entertain DC. It's how I coped with DC1. DC2 is a totally different personality and will happily potter at home for hours - shock to my system that was!!

There is no shame in getting out everyday just to make your life easier. Bus to town, mooch around the park, pond, library, cafe. Soft play etc. Let them interact with other children who might play with them for a bit..!!

I think everyone has different interests and strengths and that's fine. I am someone who could sit and play with my DCs for hours although I have little interest in other people's kids. For me it's interesting from a child development perspective and I always pretend I'm studying them like a psychologist or anthropologist.

I think getting our of the house daily has been important for making things interesting. Sitting at home with any one person would be boring for days on end really. So we do lots of activities- swimming lessons, gym, soft play, children's centres, library. You can also bring them to other activities for grown ups - museums, gallery exhibitions, theatre shows, guided walks, comedy shows. Mine is too old now for baby cinema which I really miss!

It will get easier. I have a 2 and a bit year old and they can now play on their own quite a bit whilst I crack on with housework and listen to podcasts. We get out a lot too which really helps.

I love being a Mum but a whole morning of undivided attention would send me absolutely crackers! I agree with PP it's quality not quantity so 20 minute bursts are fine. I personally don't think we evolved to play constantly with our children!

Absolutely adore my kids but hated the tedium of 'playing'. Fast forward 19 years and I love spending as much time as possible with them, I'm privileged that they still want to hang out with me and they don't remember that I totally faked the enthusiasm for a lot of years!

Don’t worry. Give them lots of hugs. In ten short years you will be fascinated by their conversation, probably sooner.

Totally normal. I felt like this. Had a very bad PND. Now DD is 4 and at school, I like her company and I miss her. I love travelling with her. The two of us went to the south of France for half term, Croatia before that.

Please hang in there. It will change!! 🏂

I love interacting with children but I would be bored after an hour and 20 minutes of non stop one on one interaction so I think you're being too hard on yourself. It helps me getting out to play groups, parks and soft play. I have a couple of friends with young children which helps as we do things together. Mixing up activities at home can help too, move around the house, do toy rotation, some singing and stories. Just short bursts of activity in between independent play will be enough. Have a look at BBC Tiny Happy People for some activity ideas.

I feel exactly the same. Reading this thread it seems 99% of us do… meaning the mums we compare ourselves to probably also feel the same. Looking back I wonder why I felt (still feel) the need to constantly play and entertain. DS is approaching 4 and Ive always talked to him and treated him like a friend and involved him in things Im doing. I do think its helped his speech and maturity enormously. However short periods of time to be independent and use their imagination is also good for development and I wish I’d given myself more of a break and had less guilt about it.

Yeah I found the under 5s years a bit tedious. But you will be a mother forever - most of the years you are a mother your child will be an adult! Better times are to come and there are so many wonderful ones. Don't think you aren't cut out for it based on one dull period of time! My kids are older teens now and for me being a parent got better each year.

Check out five minute mum. You don't have to play all the time. Baby will love ot if you tell them what you're doing and involve them in what you're doing. Finding a friend with similar age baby helps a lot

You’re not alone. Mine was a surprise baby and I hadn’t seen myself with any. I found the under 10 years absolutely mind numbing. Much better since my DC has been a teen.

I definitely empathise. I stick to what I’m good at now:

I paint, build castles in the sandpit, make things in the mud kitchen, grow seeds, ride bikes, walks etc… but like hell am I playing anything that involves making up voices for cars / trains / paw patrol characters. I leave that to my husband who enjoys it 😂

Often, I’ll build a train track with DS 3 and my husband will play trains complete with silly voices etc.

Know your strengths and use them.

I didn't know how to play 😅 so bad with my imagination and bobbing figures around. Why don't you go to playgroups? Then the child is entertained there. It is easier being out with a child than in and also harder with the weather like you say as you can't go for walks. I feel bad too being on my phone when they were younger but feel like we need to accept times have changed and most people go on their phones. Also Dads are good at the playing stuff 'disney dads'

Definitely don’t beat yourself up about how you feel! I’m sure we’ve all felt like that at some point , being alone all day with a child of that age is hard work and at some times very tedious! I definitely found from age 3-4 upwards more enjoyable when you can do more with them and they are actually great company! Hang in there it won’t be like this forever x

It ebbs and flows over time OP.

I was a great mum when they were primary aged. I loved baking with them, taking them to the park and I've never been good at playing with them but was good at setting them up to play - either with friends at the park, activities at home, going for walks, going on adventures. I'm also good at the later teenage stuff. I hated the tedious shit of baby and toddlerhood. My dc are grown ip now and well adjusted/happy young adults/older teens. That they watched too much telly as a toddler has never been an issue.

My advice is make yourself happy and cut yourself some slack. You only need to be a good enough parent 30% of the time to not fuck them up.

Aw op, don't be so hard on yourself. I think the baby and toddler stage are the hardest, all they do is have constant needs that have to be met and you get sod all in return - nappy change, feed them, clean up, put them down for a nap, comfort them, play with them, get up in the night with them. They can't talk so you get little back, it's boring! I was also never a natural but I went to a lot of baby groups with my first and copied the sorts of interactions and stuff the classes do. Do you do anything like that with them? You'd have adults to talk to then too, less boring.

I have a school aged child and I can honestly say that now they can hold a conversation I do enjoy things so much more, you can chat and do more adulty things - we love going to cafes and having a hot choccie, little trips to the shops to choose something they want, you also don't have to have eyes in the back of your head quite so much once they can communicate well and learn rules and boundaries.

One thing I've started doing too is things that I enjoy myself, rather than things just for them. So rather than go to a park or a play gym, I'd take them to a national trust place, or go for a walk round a lake, or whatever so I at least get a bit of joy out of it too and also so I can stop for a coffee.

Like anything, some people find parenting comes more naturally than others, but at the end of the day, there's no parenting manual and how others do it isn't better or worse than the way you're doing it. Parent how you want, don't compare yourself to others, I'm sure your toddler doesn't care you aren't animated AF as long as they have you nearby. There's times I've made so much bloody effort trying to play and baby isn't interested and would rather chew on a box!

Also my marriage nearly ended twice during the baby and toddler stage. Now the kids are older we are much better. I think relationships can suffer so much more commonly than you think and it's down to how much less time and energy you have for each other with a child so young. It will get easier I promise!