To think I’m just not cut out for motherhood?

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Never been maternal, never wanted children. Had a baby last year, they’re 14 months and I cannot believe how much I absolutely adore them.

BUT, I feel so unhappy at the moment. I find entertaining them now they’re a ‘toddler’ tedious. You can’t really ‘play’ with them as they don’t know what they’re doing and still aren’t capable of much. I hate playing anyway but I give it a go, for my baby.

I’m so aware that I’m on my phone a lot. I put it down, start interacting with DC and then get bored after 5 mins and pick it up, I have to force myself to put it back down again. I have no idea what to say to DC half the time, I feel awkward, like I’ve always felt around children, except up til now I haven’t felt that, I did believe it was different with your own but that awkwardness is now creeping in to my interactions with my own DC.

DH is the most amazing father, so hands on and LOVES to play. He’s never on his phone in front of our DC, always 100% engaged. DC absolutely adores him too, I think prefers him to me actually which makes me feel even more like shit.

It’s my day off today and I decided when I got up this morning that I was going to give DC my full attention until they went up for their morning nap, and I pretty much did manage an hour and 20 mins of just interacting and playing but I was bored out of my skull and again, it just felt so awkward and forced on my part, I’m just not a natural.

It doesn’t help that we’ve got endless sickness in the household too as DC is bringing so many bugs back from nursery, it feels non stop. Our marriage has gone to shit the last 6 months I’d say, I’m worried about the future of it and all the constant rain and bad weather the last few weeks hasn’t helped.

I just feel anxious and fed up recently and feel so guilty that I’m just not the parent I want to be. I see people like my SIL who is like a children’s tv personality, no awkwardness, loves children, could happily play alllll day and I wonder why I can’t be like that.

Have a Google for independent play ideas for toddlers - the parenting junkie is one website but I'm sure there are hundreds! The idea is you set things up so that your kid can learn, play and explore by themselves, spend a few minutes playing with them to get them engaged then step away and let them carry on by themselves.
It's good for children to play by themselves, or to get involved in helping with chores. A whole morning of playing with a baby sounds really, really hard and you are probably struggling because you are holding yourself to an impossible standard.

I think this is very normal. Of course we as adults have different interests to toddlers, and it is boring playing peekaboo when it gets to the 20th or even 2nd time hiding behind a blanket! I don't like playing either and still don't with my 3 and 7 yeaf old. I do talk to them, bake with then, read with them, take them to the park and out and about though so I don't think the lack of playing is that much of an issue. I suggest getting out and about, going to baby groups, walks, parks.....and interact with other adults as well as your baby!

I also agree this one mum and child in a box way of bringing up children isn't normal. In the past mum and child would have spent a lot more time around other people and that would have been stimulating enough for the child rather than mum expected to singlehandedly provide stimulation.

Meant an hour.

This sounds like it was written by me 😰 you are not alone OP!

just Remember, that never in the history of humanity, had mothers been expected to ‘play’ with or entertain their children, until about the last 20 years or so. In previous generations mums were way too busy with housework and other jobs in the home/village/tribe/monkey troop etc. it’s only in the last generation we have SO much more free time away from mundane chores couple with motherhood becoming more and more isolated because not all of our friends and sisters are having babies at the same time in the same village. So you are not a bad mother for not being good at what we were never supposed to do! I hate playing too. If I were you I’d somewhat forget the baby and just have fun yourself. Go on walks, visit museums and galleries, go to any child friendly film screenings and yoga classes you can find, visit friends, catch the train to a different city and mooch around, take up some hobby for nap times like making clothes, reading, diy. The baby will be totally entertained just watching you as long as you chatter to them while you’re doing it. Can you go back to work at some point? I wish wish wish we didn’t have this competitive emphasis on playing that we seem to have now. You are doing fantastic and just the fact you care means you’re a brilliant mum.

This is totally normal. Toddlers are adorable and totally tedious. If you can get out more to church groups/soft play/library..... Or do what I never did ( and regret)..encourage them to entertain themselves more and read a book etc... you don't have to do all the interacting if they are supervised with some good toys... I move the toys about..put some away and then take out others.they love a new toy.

OP I think you are fine, children don't need endless entertaining. I expect you'll also come into your own when your child is older. I have found with my friends some of us struggled when LO where you get however these mums are now amazing as teen parents (I am the opposite find young ones easy and older ones harder) parenting is tough age very stage so don't beat yourself up about it

You need to do stuff, that is much easier than playing at home (toddler games are incredibly boring).

Go for some walks, or go swimming, or to the playground and looks at some animals. Read a book to your child (they love it, it gives you something to do). This is why toddler classes exist - you can fill an entire morning with getting out of the house and going to a toddler class, then walking home through the park with a coffee.

You might be the kind of Mum that prefers slightly older children. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I admit I was one of those Mums that thrived on all this stuff. I loved finger painting with the kids, exploring, reading to them, dancing with them, cooking with them, all sorts of things. I'm not going to apologise for liking it and I'm not claiming to be a perfect mother at all, because there's no such thing. I'm just wanting to share some ideas and experience with you.

At 14 months there's a lot they can't do. It's hard for me to remember only having one that age, but it was fun to do things like build block towers with them and have them smash it down, exploring outdoors and so on. It did get a bit more interesting probably from around 18 months, and when I had younger and older ones together.

What I suggest is that you might enjoy building in activities that meet your own interests and goals alongside. For example, I enjoy swimming so I would take my child to the swimming pool. That's a fair chunk of time. I enjoy going for walks, so I would do that around the neighbourhood, around gardens, parks, etc. That fits with my own interests and goals for getting exercise.

I think if you give it time you might find the crafty activities, cooking with them, going out and seeing the world through their eyes as they discover it for the first time quite fun. And if you don't, there are lots of ways to be a good mother. You don't have to be a crafty Mum.

Finally, don't let messages about what kind of Mum you should be and how engaged you should be get you down. It's good for them to learn to play independently and amuse themselves. I'm sure you're a great Mum, this might just be a stage that doesn't come as easily to you as other stages will.

It is hard going, being home alone with a toddler can be tedious especially when you think of all the other things that need doing.

Involve them in what you are doing, sometimes that is easier than playing.

For example if you are cooking let them have pans and spoons and dry pasta to 'copy you'. You are then being active (ie away from phone) and it opens up conversation and introduces vocabulary. It can feel more purposeful than sitting on the floor with baby toys for us adults.

If she is walking you can get baby size mops and dustpans for her to copy someone doing cleaning. Give a duster to clean skirting boards or low level furniture. Babies want to 'help' at that age. The key for us as adults is.to stay patient with it.

I think babies are programmed to be interested in domestic life and the natural world. 1000 toys don't stop them wanting to join in with what a parent or adult is doing.

Honestly Op, the only women I have seen incredibly happy enjoying every moment of their baby’s first year have plenty of help, a nanny or are lying.

If you open a little bit about this with your friends (not with someone trying to compete with you or your mother), you will get similar stories from everyone else: it is exhausting and frustrating at times, boring as well, the only thing that helps is that every time the baby smiles the world transforms into a glimpse (just a glimpse 😂) of a perfect family life.

Please don't be hard on yourself. I never liked babies, I still don't, except my own who I worshipped, but I found babies really hard and really boring. I went back to work full time when they were five months old, (I was also poor and needed to but I wasn't devastated by the idea).

When I went back to work the pressure to constantly entertain and enrich was reduced because a) nursery did loads of that and b) I was fulfilled during the day with work so was excited to be reunited at the end of the day.

After that it became a whole lot easier, weekends were spent going to cheap places, feeding the ducks or splashing in puddles, meeting friends with similar aged children or just having a picnic on the living room floor. But it was no longer tedious.

I also agree with the independent play idea, as he got older DS had hours of fun without a parent playing in an upturned clothes airer with a sheet over it "camping" or driving "Postman Pat's van" which was a large appliance empty cardboard box with marker pen drawn windows and doors.

You can do it! you are NOT alone with your feelings.

Those years are kinda boring if you are not a “tv personality” type. One of my friends was amazing with children and absolutely loved being around my DD when she was younger. Whereas I felt that the main thing I was doing when she was that age was keeping her fed, cleaned and safe.

I found plying quite boring and as she got older we could compromise a little. At that age I remember dancing with her and having music on, that was fun, making her stuff (if you are crafty at all), reading lots (and actually enjoying some children books - once you get past the 2 words per page stage). We will play, then do painting which I didn’t mind or drawing. Walks became more interesting because she was talking and I found planning trips out with other people was fun and made the days pass by. I also introduced her to some of my activities quite young - reading, baking, making up stories, as she got older gardening - although everything takes much longer!

I loved it from around 5 years old onwards and I’m actually quite enjoying the tween stage as we have very honest and open convos (despite the slight attitude).

One thing I have learned as she grows up is to see her like a person with a personality and mind - this has made parenting easier (mentally) and more enjoyable as it feels like a lifetime of genuinely getting to know somebody.

I second the idea about involving them in what you’re doing rather than playing. I once read an interview with a woman whose three young adult children were officially geniuses. She couldn’t really explain it but she did say that even when they were babies she used to talk to them the whole time explaining what she was doing and how things worked. So if she was hoovering she would explain that the hoover had a suction mechanism that drew all the dust and dirt into a bag inside. She said they grew up really curious and interested in the world around them.

I always wished I’d done it with my kids!

This is so true, the only way our mothers found it easier was because they had an army of other women behind them lightening the chore load and keeping them company. So the best way to survive this is to create your own “village to raise a child”.

I found baby groups very competitive (might be bad luck) but I found my tribe at the school doors. You don’t actually need a group, just another mum or two to talk about your days. In my early days as a mum I found that tribe and company in mumsnet.

Playing with toddlers is boring. I found planned activities better then just being sat playing with toys. We went out a lot and if you can find mum friends it's a lifesaver as then the kids can play together.

I am surprised no-one has asked: if you aren't maternal and don't like children,why did you have one? I have 2 friends like this, neither had children. I was an only child,hated it,was determined to have 6. It was hard work, I didn't have any help, this was in the days when maternity leave was 6 weeks paid after birth. I worked shifts round the DH, (who was a 1950s man,no help there. Always had dogs like you, plus a lot of other animals. Kids mucked in,"helping" feed the animals etc.

What pps have said. It really will get easier!

I don’t feel I was ever cut out for housework, but I grit my teeth and (mostly) get on with it anyway. Unfortunately, though, housework never gets past the baby stage.

You are allowed to say it. It can be really boring!!! I love both my kids but toddlers were not easy companions.

I recommend you “find your thing” - take them swimming, shopping, jumping in puddles, on a bus for an adventure, meet a friend or go to a playgroup, make a den out of chairs and sheets and play with torches, dance to music YOU like, let yur toddler try on your clothes.

Turn the TV on in the background- it’s not a crime .

you don’t have to be a perfect parent according to some ideal you have picked up somewhere. You just have to be you - you’re enough.

You are completely normal OP. It is a hard phase. Keep going out. If your DC already goes to nursery 3 days than if you don't like toddler groups don't go. You are getting out and about for walks etc which is the important thing. It does get better. Children become much more fun when their personalities/humour/interests shine through.

I think everyone feels the same as you- the toddler stage is very repetitive and mundane and it’s hard to maintain continual play with kids and this is very much a modern problem. Back in the day you’d be in a village with a wider family network/others with young children so the entertaining and stimulation would have been very much down to the community than one parent.
It’s also easy for others to judge- I was a SAHM and my husband used to comment that I didn’t do much ‘play’ with my child and that I should do more/and be busier. I obviously did play with my child but he didn’t grasp that it is impossible to play for the 10 hours a day I’d look after our child and downtime was very much needed for my sanity! Don’t put pressure on yourself there are always times when you need to use screens/distraction etc as it feels too much. I found long pushchair walks (sometimes with a park stop) were a saviour for me and helped break up the long days/get some exercise and my daughter enjoyed being out also. If you can find something you can both enjoy doing it makes it seem more bearable

Your toddler needs 4 things;

1. Loads of love - tick. You said you absolutely adore them
2. Good food
3. Lots of good quality sleep
4. Kept busy

That is all you need to focus on. It's basic, and don't let the TV, play group, books etc. tell you otherwise. Keep it simple.

I realise now that all my DC wanted was ME,. or their dad. It doesn't really matter what you are doing, they will turn and look at you beaming as they just love being around YOU. Make efforts on 2 and 3, and life becomes much easier, I promise you.

You are working 3 days a week, and I think this is a good thing, as perhaps if you were a SAHM, you would feel it more so. On paper, you have the perfect balance. I read somewhere that the happiest mums were the ones who worked P/T and had time with the DC. However, you are feeling what the rest of us feel. This is boring, I am not good at this, everyone else is better, everyone else's DC are meeting milestones sooner, OMG little Sophie is eating cherry tomatoes and lentils for lunch, OMG little Johnny is reading Harry Potter already. You come away from things feeling shit. Congratulations, you are a normal mum!

Back to 4. My eldest DC had serious beans. I was a SAHM, and he was bouncing off the walls. On your days off, can you schedule in a couple of things. Playgroups are the pits. They are full of competitive mums and you come away crying. Are they having swimming lessons (very important). Pick things you would like to do. Do you like art, exercise, music? Can you find a group that you like? Book them in for one thing each weekday you are off, then you have your schedule. You can add a coffee before, or after, and a bit of shopping, meet likeminded people. I used to love just coming home and laying on my bed and having a nap cuddled up with them.

You are actually doing a good job OP. Don't compare yourself with other mums, because everyone has their own thing going on. No parent is perfect.

You're not alone! Mine was that age at the beginning of last winter and it was grim, I got into such a depressed slump, then the spring came and it got a little better, and then the summer came and it was even better, and now she's almost two and a half and I can honestly say it's a lot better. The play is a bit less mind numbing, and she can spend a little bit of time doing independent activities, and the things she says are hilarious. Hang in there, it gets better. I definitely think the baby to toddler transition is the hardest! And to echo other posters, fake it till you make it, and get out the house as much as you can. Try the toddler group again in a month or so and your lo might love it! You got this!

Absolutely the toddler but is very tedious. I liked doing an activity with them so they get my time but I'm not bored. Try garden centres with thier Christmas decorations. A play centre, they usually have cheap rates for toddlers and mum in the week. Go to the library and read some books. Local toddler groups if you can stand it! If you have retired relative's go for a day out with them, toddlers are astounded by anything as long as they are moving.