To think I’m just not cut out for motherhood?

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Never been maternal, never wanted children. Had a baby last year, they’re 14 months and I cannot believe how much I absolutely adore them.

BUT, I feel so unhappy at the moment. I find entertaining them now they’re a ‘toddler’ tedious. You can’t really ‘play’ with them as they don’t know what they’re doing and still aren’t capable of much. I hate playing anyway but I give it a go, for my baby.

I’m so aware that I’m on my phone a lot. I put it down, start interacting with DC and then get bored after 5 mins and pick it up, I have to force myself to put it back down again. I have no idea what to say to DC half the time, I feel awkward, like I’ve always felt around children, except up til now I haven’t felt that, I did believe it was different with your own but that awkwardness is now creeping in to my interactions with my own DC.

DH is the most amazing father, so hands on and LOVES to play. He’s never on his phone in front of our DC, always 100% engaged. DC absolutely adores him too, I think prefers him to me actually which makes me feel even more like shit.

It’s my day off today and I decided when I got up this morning that I was going to give DC my full attention until they went up for their morning nap, and I pretty much did manage an hour and 20 mins of just interacting and playing but I was bored out of my skull and again, it just felt so awkward and forced on my part, I’m just not a natural.

It doesn’t help that we’ve got endless sickness in the household too as DC is bringing so many bugs back from nursery, it feels non stop. Our marriage has gone to shit the last 6 months I’d say, I’m worried about the future of it and all the constant rain and bad weather the last few weeks hasn’t helped.

I just feel anxious and fed up recently and feel so guilty that I’m just not the parent I want to be. I see people like my SIL who is like a children’s tv personality, no awkwardness, loves children, could happily play alllll day and I wonder why I can’t be like that.

If you are a reader, get yourself a copy of ‘Hunt Gather Parent’ by Michaeleen Doucleff. It’s one of the best anthropologically-rooted guides to raising children in a biologically normal way - that is, not as creatures to be entertained but as members of a family group who all work together to achieve shared goals. She talks a lot about how to bring your child into your life and see parenting from the perspective of Doing Stuff Together, rather than everything being child-centred and dumbed down for them. Not suggesting that baby groups don’t have their place (group singing and storytelling are a big part of human culture) but as others have said, going to the supermarket, cleaning the car, sorting the washing, digging the garden, organising a chest of drawers… these activities are so enriching for young children as they feel helpful and included and purposeful. You can start raising that helpful child now! You’re probably already doing it - they don’t need you in their face all the time. You love them and involve them in your life. Sounds like a good mum to me.

They sound exhausting to be around.

I would try not to think of it as a competition - your DC will have a nursery worker they love for songs, another for rough and tumblle tickles, your DH for X, your MIL for children’s entertainment mode. All kids want different things depending on their mood.

if you’re the go to person for cuddles and stories, for long muddy walks and nature trails that sounds much more my cup of tea than pretending to be Mr Tumble!

it’s a nice age for storybooks like the Gruffalo, they are almost rhythmic to listen to.

In your situation I would book in clubs/activities. Baby sensory/swimming etc. It will get you out the house. Or could dh do more and you work more so you have a different balance. I actually loved the baby stage but my dh was opposite. It’s tiring though! I wouldn’t go back now. It will get easier once you can converse with your child more.

I really feel for you and your feeling really resonated with how I felt when my children were small. Not everyone is a natural mother and it is unfair to use others as a benchmark because you really don't know their full story. Maybe look into joining a local mother and toddler group or other places you can take your DC that don't cost a fortune, which will allow DC to play and hopefully, you can chat to other Mums and see you are not the only one who feels that way! Lots of parents look like they're gliding through parenthood like swans but if you look a bit deeper, below the water their feet are paddling 19 to the dozen!

If it makes you feel any better, my daughters are 23 and 26 now and they have turned out just great 😍

I hated the baby stage (raging PND) and found toddlerdom hard going too. The good news is that once we hit the 4th birthday it’s been great. I’m definitely a mum who loves older kids, he’s 12 now and we rub along brilliantly.
I think it’s better to to be an ‘older kid’ kinda mum anyway, the baby/toddler stage is short and there’s a lot more years to navigate once the nappies are gone.

I have an autistic 5 year old that is still developmentally a 1 year old, trying to play with him is HARD work. He doesn't know how to play any games, isn't verbal apart from a few single words (mostly food items 😂) and any activity I do try to make the effort to set up for him (painting etc) he does for 2 minutes then it's half an hour of cleaning up the mess. I 100% understand that there feels like there's no point in trying to play, it's boring and not worth the hassle.

But recently I've been thinking back to my own childhood and I can honestly say I don't really have any memories of my mum trying to play with me. From the ages of 4-8, old enough to play games but not too old to want to play with my mum, I have plenty of memories at home of playing by myself or with my sister and lots of memories of times my mum could have went out of her way to play with me but didn't. A few examples, I got a board game based on a TV show I liked my sister wouldn't play with me but my mum refused aswell so I never got to play it, I taught myself chess when I was about 8 but my mum wouldn't play with me because she didn't like it (my sister didn't know how) so I never got to really enjoy playing until I was a teenager and made friends that also knew how to play. At primary school there would be a book fayre every so often, I always got a book that came with an activity to make something (I remember a robot spider, a toy door intruder alarm and a space ship) none of them turned out right because I tried to make them alone. A friend of mine often got the same ones and his always worked, his parents helped him make them.

Memories like that do stick with a child, maybe not at such a young age so absolutely take it easy now and don't burn yourself out on playing, but once your DC is a bit older and able to play it's absolutely worth it to get involved.

Yes minding a toddler aged 14 months can be a boring pain in the arse.

"but it does make me worry DC will start preferring them, a bit like they seem to be doing with their dad at the moment"

I bloody guarantee that you are the most important person in your DCs life, and that'll stay the same for ever.

So don't start believing your negative thoughts. Because they won't be giving you an accurate description of who you are.

A lot of kids can't tolerate that full on Entertainment show type of parenting either.
Plenty of grown ups would say 'my mother was just so full on I felt I had to be in great humour all the time or she'd be disappointed in me'.

There's a lot to be said for just being a nice, ordinary companionable mother.

Think about if you are really feeling like yourself. Just to be aware of postnatal depression too.

If you are looking at other people and saying to yourself, I don't understand what happiness is anymore. If you feel like you are in a glass bubble and the rest of the world is different to you.

If on a regular basis, you can't enjoy anything in life like a nice sandwich or watching an episode of your favourite show, if nothing feels 'good' anymore then go to the GP and discuss how you are feeling.

I always wanted to be a mum and with my first child I loved every single minute but when my second one came I realised how boring babies are 😂 I feel guilty for leaving playing alone very often and checking on my phone. I now very much enjoy my time with my 3 yo. rather than the 1yo. He is now able to talk, make jokes, be silly and naughty. It’s fun playing with him as he is able to actually play. We spend hours building towers, bridges, fire stations etc. with legos. So don’t worry! You will eventually love it as your DC going through different phases of his life.

My in-laws do the loud, entertaining thing with my DD. She hates it!! She's always found it overwhelming so retreats somewhere quiet. I bet your personality is just what your child needs, so don't compare yourself to others.

Toddlers are tedious. DS is 4 now and this is a glorious age, because we can go places that are fun and have proper conversations. And he’s interesting, and finds me interesting. Hang in there!

There is nothing more boring that pretend play with little ones. Go to toddler groups where they can play and you can get some toast and a brew while yout little one plays. Thats how i survived the pre-school years

you should sing nursery rhymes, play pat a cake old macdonald etc making the noises. Walk and talk point out car colours. Eldest son later learned the car makes as he sat on the younger ones pram, because i talked to him

The toddler age is tricky but you may find as your little one gets older, you find things easier. Whe it comes to playing with toddlers, you kind of have to regress and channel the little girl you once were and embrace the silliness/repetition. Saying this, I don’t remember my mum ever playing with me, we would go out to places and do arts and craft stuff but she had long forgotten how to play. Some people are just more able to play, it’s a skill that gets forgotten along the way as we live as adults. It must be hard that your little ones dad is adept at this, but people are different, not better or worse, just naturally have different ways of relating. I guess you have to find your own style, and don’t berate yourself. You’re obviously completely in love with your little one and that’s the most important thing, that will ensure you are doing your best which is enough!

Please don't feel guilty about this, I remember feeling very similar. It is exhausting and a bit mind numbing trying to play with a toddler. I think the dads often find it easier as there are not the same expectations on them. The main thing is you love your child and to try your best. Parenting isn't about being perfect or engaged all the time, I think it is about showing love and unconditional care for your child. Agree that it is often easier to go to those toddler groups or activities if you can so the pressure is off you.

Hi OP - I haven’t read all of the replies you’ve already had, but wanted to tell you I emphasise and not to worry!
I also wasn’t maternal and never interested in babies, until suddenly hormones took over in my 30’s. Babies and small kids always made me feel awkward.

My DC is a whopping 15 year old now and is a real treasure - having a DM who isn’t like the pied piper to kids hasn’t done them any harm at all!

In my limited experience, babies are cute but pretty boring, toddlers cute but exasperating. I always chatted away to baby/toddler DC like I was talking to another adult, not a baby. So I’d talk about the fact we were going shopping or what I was making for lunch or whatever. It helped me to keep hold of my marbles as I couldn’t deal with baby-talk and it may have helped DC’s speech/vocab.

It really gets better as they get older, you can help them be interested in things you’re interested in and have it as a shared thing. I like reading, history, crafts -
so DC was read to a lot, we crafted the heck out of life (DC once glued her own knees to the carpet at 3 😆), we
learnt a lot about dinosaurs and ancient egypt and visited lots of museums - all of which suited me as well!

Hang on in there and it won’t be long before you can start brainwashing DC to like stuff you like. I can’t lie, there will be lots of unavoidable role-play type things you
cant avoid, but try to tailor this as best you can. DC had a doctors kit and playing hospital involved me lying on the sofa being bandaged and unbandaged for what seemed like hours at a time - pretty restful, all things considered. Playing ‘animal spa’ involved me being a variety of animals and going for various treatments - usually having my fur brushed and styled and my face cream applied by a heavy-handed small person. But at least it was easy and I got to sit down 😆

DC is now a jewellery-making, murder mystery reading history buff who is seemingly annoyingly good at any craft she tries her hand at, so seems unscathed (fingers crossed!).

There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel. Motherhood is so romanticised that we actually get a shock when it’s not how we envisioned it and then feel guilt for feeling like we’re not “perfect parents”. Not everyone is a Ms Rachel!

You’ve just described my life. We never wanted kids but our DS is 19 months and once he hit the toddler stage I struggled. He wants attention and play all the time, I constantly felt touched out, no alone time but actually never felt lonelier, he had tantrums at the slightest thing. Take a step back and have a look at what makes you happy. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

For example, I stopped going to toddler groups because it made me too upset and stressed - he never engaged with it and just ran wild, then screamed when it was time to sit still or leave. I recently upped my working hours to full time as I found myself dreading the days I had off with him because of this. I have adult conversations daily now! My husband and I decided to each have 2 nights a week to ourselves, where one will do the nursery run and the other will go to the gym/for a run/walk etc. Now I’m happier I feel more able to give DC time and attention and enjoy it. I really look forward to weekends and him coming in from nursery and us having a precious few hours curled up watching CBeebies or playing with his cars (he plays, I just give words of encouragement!).

It’s a balance and you just have to get it right. You’re doing great!

Totally agree with this. I was so bored when my two were small I would literally watch the clock willing my husband to come home - he’s so much better at being with small children than I was.

Now I have an eight year old and a teenager and they are brilliant! So interesting to talk to and hang out with, it’s so much more fulfilling. My theory is that I’m a person who likes to be in their own head a lot - I like to read, follow a thought through etc and I found the constant demands of a toddler claustrophobic and I also I had no strategies to deal with them because I’m a go with the flow kind of person and that doesn’t really work with small children.

I learned by watching other people - like the “we can do this thing or go home” kind of choices which I would never have thought of. My sister was so much better at it than me that I watched and learned from her. Much prefer older children though. Hang tight and try to find other mums who are like you if you can - there’s so much good stuff to come.

I was never maternal, had a baby at 31 years old, when she was 10 weeks old discovered I was pregnant with baby no 2, so I have 2 girls 10 1/2 months apart in age. I loved the new born baby phase with first child, didn’t really have time to enjoy that phase with baby 2 as by that point baby 1 was crawling, into everything and hard work, to top it off first baby didn’t sleep through the night until she was 2 years old (baby 2 luckily was sleeping through at 8 weeks), my husband was out the house between 7am and 7pm Mon - Fri his job meant he couldn’t help with nights as he needed to be on the ball, and closest family 100 miles away. Honestly those toddler years were bleak, I never enjoyed sitting playing with them until they were more like proper little people. My girls are teens now and we are such good friends, they are my greatest champions, the most amazing company and have both turned into incredible young ladies so I must have done something right.

I got through the days by keeping very busy and having a fixed routine during the week, I’d be out of the house walking the dogs by 7am, then some kind of group on a morning, back home for lunch (a nap if I was lucky), then dog walk, short play time, tea time, CBeebies while I caught up on a few jobs and straight into bath time. My days although boring and tough going flew by. I’m an outdoorsy girl so the weather never bothered me, kids would just get tucked up in their pram and off we would head for brisk walks, they would get out for an explore once we reached the forest, we never really did play parks or anything like that, they just used to play with whatever nature provided.

hang in there, it will get easier, I have a right laugh with my girls now and their friends by extension. We have a very busy and often very full home as ours is often the place to hang out.

A quick thought, you do know people do park run with buggies and it's always at the weekend? https://www.parkrun.org.uk/

I felt the exact same with my now 6 year old. I still get the mum guilt that I'm not a hands on 'fun mum' but speaking to mum friends it seems we are the majority but it's not something that's out there in the open as the 'proper mums' have more of a platform. I've resigned to me being the caring snuggly parent and her dad is more the fun parent. She's a well developed child who can entertain herself whereas the few friends who were more hands on seem to have more demanding needy children even at this age.

Do you get her out to socialise her with other kids? I did that a lot and feel it made a difference to her development and takes the pressure off us mums!

Set your child up with a few toys they like in a safe space near you while you do something like cooking, or having a cup of tea while you look through a magazine, etc, basically find a way to blend the things you need to do alongside their playing, so you can engage with them and your own brain, talk to them about what you are doing as if you woukd talk to yourself, a silly 5 mins here and there is better than nothing and you'll come to do it more and "play" as they learn to engage with you too!

Don’t stress, children are boring. I heard tho that instead of trying to play games you think you should, do something that makes you happy with them. If they see you genuinely happy, they will love whatever you are doing. My 3 year old often wants to play role play with figures. I hate it. My husband loves it. I’m just not good at the making up stories. So I pretend to be a tickle monster instead and we are both cracking up laughing. He asks for it over and over again because of how much I laugh and smile whilst doing it.

Aw, you sound like you’re being really hard on yourself, but I think a lot of us (including me) feel that mum guilt so easily! I don’t know anyone in my real life (online is a different story but..) who says parenting a baby is anything other than a slog, to be honest. You love them to pieces but god it’s so hard! I pick up my phone constantly and feel awful about it, but a few minutes sat on the floor with my 14 month old and I’m reaching for the phone again. It’s made him very curious about it and want to eat it all the time 😅

I agree with a previous poster who said to appreciate that your partner can fill in some of those gaps. Your baby is getting plenty of love, attention and fun. I bet they are absolutely fine.

My mum wasn't a kids TV presenter type, didn't play with us all day (80s child) and wasn't overly 'maternal' (whatever that actually means) and guess what I still loved her to bits and still do now I'm an adult. Parents feel.too much pressure now, this isn't how parenting used to be as mum's were to busy dealing with 8/9 other kids. Give yourself a break. I guarantee when your kid is a bit older it will feel much better - there's nothing wrong with you this is just a hard age. And fwiw I'm a teacher and I don't think this constant intensive one to one play is actually doing any good for kids. Give them some pots and pans or bricks and get on with your day 😂

Are you me op. I loathe the early years. I have a 1yo and am counting down till she goes to nursery. Hate the nap times, teething and most of all playing with a baby. It's just relentless. I have an older dc and absolutely a much better parent at the older ages. I also wake up with full motivation to give her my full attention and play with her and after an hour I would much rather be doing something else even cleaning!