To think I’m just not cut out for motherhood?

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Never been maternal, never wanted children. Had a baby last year, they’re 14 months and I cannot believe how much I absolutely adore them.

BUT, I feel so unhappy at the moment. I find entertaining them now they’re a ‘toddler’ tedious. You can’t really ‘play’ with them as they don’t know what they’re doing and still aren’t capable of much. I hate playing anyway but I give it a go, for my baby.

I’m so aware that I’m on my phone a lot. I put it down, start interacting with DC and then get bored after 5 mins and pick it up, I have to force myself to put it back down again. I have no idea what to say to DC half the time, I feel awkward, like I’ve always felt around children, except up til now I haven’t felt that, I did believe it was different with your own but that awkwardness is now creeping in to my interactions with my own DC.

DH is the most amazing father, so hands on and LOVES to play. He’s never on his phone in front of our DC, always 100% engaged. DC absolutely adores him too, I think prefers him to me actually which makes me feel even more like shit.

It’s my day off today and I decided when I got up this morning that I was going to give DC my full attention until they went up for their morning nap, and I pretty much did manage an hour and 20 mins of just interacting and playing but I was bored out of my skull and again, it just felt so awkward and forced on my part, I’m just not a natural.

It doesn’t help that we’ve got endless sickness in the household too as DC is bringing so many bugs back from nursery, it feels non stop. Our marriage has gone to shit the last 6 months I’d say, I’m worried about the future of it and all the constant rain and bad weather the last few weeks hasn’t helped.

I just feel anxious and fed up recently and feel so guilty that I’m just not the parent I want to be. I see people like my SIL who is like a children’s tv personality, no awkwardness, loves children, could happily play alllll day and I wonder why I can’t be like that.

I am not great at playing tbh. Things I do are -

1. always have an activity out of the house for at least a few hours every morning. With breakfast and lunch then nap, I find 3/4 of the day goes fast. Activities for us include library, swimming, Tumble Tots, visiting local farm, visiting local National Trust place, meeting a friend with similar age child, soft play, park (we do this a lot and go to five different ones), visit to local wood, bus in to town (usually to a museum but the bus is an event in itself), cake at local cafe, taking toy trolley to Tescos. Lots of fun to be had without "playing"!

2. When DC was little I'd read to them to pass the time during meals. They were a slow eater and obviously couldn't talk back so it saved me trying to think of things to say. I'd often read adult books or Famous Five or something.

3. When walking with the buggy I'd pick a topic, like "Space" or "Fruit" and go through the alphabet talking about each thing in turn. Again to keep the one-sided conversation going.

4. we did watch Bluey and often reenact the games when dc was around 2.5.

Oh OP you are NOT alone!
I find it gets better when they can speak. Even if it’s a few words. My DS is almost 2 and it’s getting so much better because he can communicate so much better. I spent time with my friends DD who is a few months older than my DS and I almost had more fun with her today cos she can speak sentences and say proper things and play ‘properly’. It’s far more entertaining now my DS is heading that way too. You are not alone. I was exaclty the same and I realised there would be days I wouldn’t have said a word to DS for hours because I’m a bit awkward too. It does get better as they get older!!!

I really hated the baby / toddler years too. I don’t enjoy playing with little kids.
As others have said I just got out as much as I could, baby groups ( met some nice people ) baby swimming and a music type thing that was structured by someone else !
At home I’d get them involved in whatever I was doing, even if it was just the washing !
Absolutely love the older years though, mine are 11 and 9 now, but I’ve enjoyed parenthood lots more since school age. You might just be someone that doesn’t enjoy the first bit 😊

I was never a baby/toddler person. I loved it when they got older to do crafts and make things and build lego.

I spent baby and toddler years goi g out instead. So lots of outdoor stuff or soft play and toddler groups

Another one who hated playing here OP, you definitely aren't alone! I never found a playgroup i liked either and didn't manage any mum friends at infants, I just found it all boring. Consequently we went out a LOT. There isn't a garden centre in a thirty mile radius I don't know inside out 😁
I'll echo previous posters and say try to adapt things you don't mind doing to suit a toddler, then ride it out until they're older as they really do become great company.

I've never enjoyed playing boring stuff with mine. That's why so many mothers work. For their sanity

It gets easier! Mine are now almost 5 and almost 3.5 and yes I had two babies at the same time at one point. Just enjoy doing normal everyday things with them, don’t force it! They don’t need much! I’m not a sit down player either, I have to get out with them and shoe them experiences. Farms, play dates etc.
my two are great fun now as full communication, past the nappy stage, they have their own minds. Bloody hard work with two close in age as always but getting easier all the time!

Maybe audiobook with a Bluetooth speaker. It can be boring as fuck.

I always wanted children and loved being a mum but I still found it hard to play with them when they were very small. I would just fill the days with things to do. We had a dog, so every day would include a walk and we'd stop at a playground. Then we'd also do some kind of organised activity every day. There were toddler groups, rhyme time at the library, swimming lessons etc.

Also remember that, as long as they are getting some interaction, letting them explore and play on their own is good for them too. Also, you're human and you need a break in the day. That's OK.

You are not alone, parenting takes some adjustment. My children are 4&7 now and I still hate playing.

At that age I found it much easier to get out of the house. We went for walks each day. Went to play groups where DC could roam around a lot and soft play. I would say around 1.5 is a really difficult age so give yourself some grace. It does get easier from there and once they're talking the interaction is mu be asked and really fun as you see their little personalities.

Stop telling yourself you're not a natural, most of us aren't and try to relax

Adults brains aren’t cut out for imaginative play. It’s why we stop by about 11. Many years ago, even very young children were handed over to an older group of children to play with. Parents were too busy surviving to play. So don’t feel bad. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. Try taking them to places you enjoy such as museums, galleries etc. Go out as much as possible. One on one play with a young child for hours is beyond tedious. The fact you feel bad about this means you’re a great parent looking for a solution.

Also don't feel you have to play/interact nonstop when they're at home, learning to play on their own is useful too! I struggle with my 2 year old. I tend to do 10 mins or so playing , then go off for a bit to do the washing or washing up etc, and repeat (and definitely try and get out the house morning and afternoon!)

I hate playing with children - 5 minutes and I'm bored. My mother, who was a nanny, was absolutely amazing at playing ghastly games for ages. Small children are really boring and annoying. It does get "better" as they get older. Before you know it, they are lecturing you about what you should do. My eldest son who is close to qualifying as a doctor is forever suggesting healthier options and that may be fractionally worse when you remember them doing in an entire hallway runner when sprinting for the loo as a toddler.

I only did certain types of play with my child. Other types of play they did while I did jobs round the house.

So I'd happily do jigsaws, stack blocks, shape sorters, books, marble runs, duplo, train tracks.

But any sort of imaginative play - nope! So no playing with little figurines, soft toys, baby dolls etc. The dc played with them, but I just did the dishes and laundry during that time and just chucked the odd bit of chat at them "oh are you being a Mummy? Your baby looks very happy. Can you make Peppa Pig climb the sofa?"

I worked pretty much full time after mat leave so a day or so a week of this was plenty for me!

And just to echo other people who say you don't have to love it. Just the fact you're doing any at all when you hate it, and trying to find solutions, makes you a great mum.

I also found this age with my first very hard.

I would take him to playgroups so I knew he was playing/interacting/ getting stimulation but I didn't have to entertain him constantly.

In the afternoons, every single day after his nap I would take him to the park from around 4pm-6pm for months on end until he became easier, because I just really struggled to stay in the house with him (he was 14 months at the beginning of summer, I accept this isn't really possible for you, just trying to express how difficult o found it).

Defo go back to work full time. Nursery / childminder are really great at doing games and giving structure to the day (I used to work in nurseries as a temp and they’re all good at this) plus there are other kids to play and interact with.

Then you only have Saturday and Sunday to worry about. I’d see if there are « activities » you can keep busy with like swimming classes, tumble toys classes, library sessions etc. Or arrange with the grandparents to meet at a child friendly place half way? Take her to a farm, to the park, etc. Take her on a long walk in the buggy around a lake or reservoir and let her get out and feed the ducks or explore a couple of times en route.

Also may I suggest telling your partner how you feel? If he loves playing he could take her for a structured period at the weekend so that you can have a rest?

I personally loved the baby stage, but found the toddler years quite difficult and tedious as I really didn’t want to play games all day long. I enjoyed reading books and doing puzzles with them, but playing pretend games, chasing games, pulling faces etc, well it’s just not me. I got out to toddler groups a lot, went for long walks, went to the park most days, saw grandparents and friends, all of which were enjoyable to them and to me. Yes, the housework was neglected, but, that was only for a few years and so what? As said above, it got easier with subsequent children as they entertained each other. From school age onwards, I loved it all again and have an excellent relationship with all my adult children, so please don’t worry. I do understand what you’re saying perfectly, but don’t compare yourself to others if you can. Everyone is different. You love your child and he will love you for sure.

Playing and interacting none stop with a toddler for a whole morning probably isn't normal. It's fine to have times when you do something else and don't speak to them. This is how they learn to develop their own thinking and explore their environment independently. I would just talk to them about what you are doing and involve them in day to day chit chat about whatever jobs you need to get on with.

I love newborns.

I hate the toddler years with a passion. I'm a terrible toddler mum. I hate baby groups, playing and generally being tormented.

Once they get to 3?

Easy. Give me all the 3 year olds.

Join all the zoos, aquariums, safari parks, climbing wall centres, science museums , swimming pools anything you can think of and get out of the house with them even for a hour the annual memberships are cheaper. That’s what worked for me.

It gets easier. It does. Our son is 17 months and he’s great fun. We play trains and cars; read books etc. but …. If you are looking for something mentally stimulating for you both - we do get a Montessori subscription box that comes every month. We do some of the activities. I’ve learned a lot about clouds lately. I’m not sure he learned those but we tried. It’s quite good fun and a different subject each month.

I am a big advocate for our son playing on his own too. He really plays with his toys etc for maybe 40 minutes at a time before wanting attention. There’s nothing wrong with children playing by themselves. It’s really good for them. You could do something for yourself in that time?

Also I think other people have said this. Go out. It’s easier sometimes. There’s a trampoline park near us that is large and does a toddler all day session in term time for £5. We have been going there since before my son could walk (ie he couldn’t trampoline) just to get out of the house.

It gets easier and harder all at once

When you think about it, the expectation that one mumma will sit alone in her box (oops, house) exclusively playing with her one toddler all day long... it would gobsmack pretty much every generation that's gone before! We're meant to be out in the world, doing our things, passing our baby around to our own mum/sister/neighbour... I think this is why my later babies were easier than my first, by that time I had more things to do and places to be, plus I had found my village a bit more.

I also found it boring, and isolating, especially with my first. I coped much as others said - consider it a very thorough case study in human development/psychology/anthropology. Narrate it in your head with David Attenborough voice and all... "now the juvenile human faces a great dilemma: which block will she choose to place next? She puts them to the test using her very developed oral sensory adaptations... yes, the red one definitely tastes best... but can she balance it? Watch how she glances to the mother, her survival instincts ensuring help is at hand if a predator approaches... "

There is a huge omertà among parents (mothers, really) of toddlers about just how bone-crushingly boring it is looking after toddlers as a modern mother with little or no external support.

I only coped with this stage by going out a lot, meeting up with other mums and toddlers and stay and play. It's a bit better when they're about 3 and can sustain enough interest in something like stickers or playdoh that it's worth the bother of getting it out. Before that I couldn't cope with spending long periods in with them.