To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

[Yomuma]

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

I would contact the original person (Sophie) who added in the 5 non invited people and tell her that they were not invited to the party and then leave it to her to sort out.

That's all you can do in the not getting involved. But do speak up, otherwise you are complicit in the inviting/carnage scenario that will happen.

You need to step in - why is your DH or the other invitees not saying anything? It's like bystander effect in action!

You can either message Sophie separately to say that it's not an invite all event and get her to correct it, or you just say directly on the chat. For goodness sake, say something before they book accommodation and transport!

Or tell the gf...

I’d definitely contact Sophie privately and ask her what she’s doing/tell her she’s messing up the plan and risking embarrassment for everyone.

Oh my gosh, you can’t let people book air b&b to attend a party they aren’t actually invited to. I’d put a message on along the lines of ‘it’d be great to see everyone but I think this is quite a small do, we had to give our meal choices some time ago’

Why does Sophie think they are invited??

Ring her up and explain what’s happening, and let her sort it out. What an IDIOT

I'd have to mention something to the gf and tell her Sophie arranged it all and she might want to contact her to have a word...so awkward!

Sounds like Sophie did it on purpose.

I'd ask Sophie what's going on and if she knows something you don't in regards to invites. How do you know these five aren't invited?

Is Sophie a bit of a control-freak?

You seem to have posted this twice. Just wanted to let you know 😌

As I said on other thread- how do you know for sure that Phil’s gf didn’t invite them? I would be trying to alert her in the first instance.

I'd contact the girlfriend and tell her what Sophie is doing. Then it's up to her what she wants to do about it.

While I can understand your concerns, I wouldn't get involved.

How do you know that they haven’t been invited separately by Phil or the gf and that Sophie is aware and is thus organising accommodation. That seems to me to be the most likely scenario. No one wanting to get involved is frankly odd - just ask Sophie if they are actually invited. I bet they are.

That’s all really odd! Could you post saying how lovely it all sounds and what you’d chosen for the menu just to make it clear they’ll have no dinner as they weren’t invited!

Im not sure though at e it’s better to not get involved?! I wouldn’t be staying all together with them though in an Airbnb-then it seems like you’re in it and colluding with Sophie!

Contact the girlfriend. I’d just say something like- ‘we’re thinking about accommodation. Sophie suggested we share with XYZ and B. Does that work?’

I would assume this, I think. Plausible for Sophie to have contacted Phil/the gf separately and suggested inviting a few more people. Not seeing each other for 15 years doesn't mean they haven't stayed in touch or wouldn't be up for a reunion of sorts.

Unless Sophie has a history of being a particularly chaotic individual?

I think Sophie is the one you need to speak to.

I will call Phil's girlfriend Clare. I suggest putting a message on the second WhatsApp group, along the lines of "Sorry, I may be being a bit dim but I'm a bit confused, I know Clare is organising the party at the Red Lion but I thought it was being kept small and just for the people on the WhatsApp group she started. Are we talking about a separate event here that Sophie is organising? If so I don't know the details so could someone let me know, or have I got it wrong and has Clare invited everyone to the Red Lion now?"

Without getting too involved you could innocently say

'I chose steak and chocolate bomb for dessert from the menu, but it was so hard to choose, i could eat it all! What did everyone else choose?'

and if they were invited, they will respond. If not and they weren't sent the menu, the penny should drop.

I don't understand the "not wanting to get involved" part. Or what suggestions you're hoping for that are consistent with "not getting involved". You are involved , to the extent you'll be at the party. I also think you're being a bit dramatic with all the "car crash" business. Contact the gf and say "sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick but I think there have been some crossed wires somewhere and some extra people may have been invited to your party. I don't want you to be stuck with extra costs so just giving you a heads up so you can contact Sophie and sort something".

Agree with PP – you need to ring Sophie asap and ask her what she's playing at. Remind her that it's a posh sit down meal, not a piss up in a pub. If she gives you short shrift and says it doesn't matter that they haven't been properly invited, contact the GF so she can intervene. Don't beat about the bush either and make up some pretend story – just tell her straight that Sophie has told x, y, z they can come and they're booking accommodation.

Given the potential for disaster (e.g. lovely Phil potentially feeling forced to pay for 5 extra people's food, the 5 extra people paying for Air BnB etc), I would cut out Sophie and go straight to Phil / his GF.

I would also ask DH to confirm you are actually invited.

(I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused).

I don’t understand why you can’t tell her yourself?

I would have told her straight away if I thought there was an issue.