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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go swimming every single weekend...

202 replies

lazymummy1988 · 05/11/2023 12:15

A couple of months ago I changed jobs so that I wasn't working Sundays, and could spend them as a family (DS6 & DD2)

Since I've changed.. every single Sunday DS and DH go swimming. Sometimes myself and DD come along but it's quite cold and she's usually got a cough or cold lately, and tbh I just don't enjoy it. So myself and DD either spend the day at home or wandering round the town aimlessly waiting for them to finish swimming.

AIBU to not want to do that every Sunday? I may as well go back to working them as they're not enjoyable family days I had in mind!

OP posts:
JCWiatt · 05/11/2023 13:19

I can't believe the responses on here. Why should the OP bend to everything her DH wants, leaving her miserable and without the family time she changed her life for? DH swans around all weekend doing what he wants, with OP dropping off and picking up, whilst she gets nothing. Apparently the little woman should put up and shut up and just get on with toddler childcare. She may also want to see her son. Those saying they have a routine - it clearly says DH only started the swimming when OP changed jobs. DS also swims in the week. Once or twice a month on a Sunday yes, but not every weekend if OP isn't up for it. Being married with children is about partnership, give and take and family time. OP is getting none of that.

OP I can only suggest you stand your ground and say weekends need to work for all family members. Two weekends swimming and the other weekends a different activity. Don't be so quick to pick up and drop off. You're not his servant. Also, send your DD swimming with them sometimes.

Nokoolaidherethanks · 05/11/2023 13:21

PlantMum23 · 05/11/2023 13:03

Okay, I misquoted the younger ones age. I’ll try again.

You loved architecture at 2? That’s … quite something.

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It depends on the stately home but loads of them have tons of child based activities. When mine were small we had annual tickets to a local castle because there was so much fun stuff they enjoyed there including feeding ducks and swans, a brilliant playground, dressing up and treasure hunt activities etc etc. I do think DS doing the same activity every week and DD doing nothing is rubbish. My kids loved swimming too but there's plenty of different things to do, there's no need to do the same every weekend. Maybe DS only wants to go swimming because he hasn't been offered other fun options.
But it definitely shouldn't only suit half the family. Everyone should have fun leisure time and sometimes that should be the whole family together.

PlantMum23 · 05/11/2023 13:23

Cactifly · 05/11/2023 13:17

Actually, I don't think that's strange at all! On their day with him, my parents in law took my son to loads of stately homes between the ages of 18 months and 2.5 (when covid hit) and he adored them, particularly all the statues. It would never have occurred to me to take him but he really did love them.

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But every Sunday? Over activities such as soft play, swimming and such?

Its hard with a larger gap - my kids are newly 7 and nearly 2, and it can be hard to find things they both enjoy. We normally mix it up - my eldest loves shopping or even just wandering round a shopping centre (she rarely buys so isn’t spoiled - I think she likes the hot chocolate tbh!) but the youngest is thoroughly bored. They both enjoy swimming, museums (with play areas) and parks. Soft play is a hit or miss; only the telly big ones still occupy the eldest, and often they don’t have a great bit for the youngest to play.

We do the odd stately home thing but it’s rare, and definitely more for the adults. Maybe my kids are just uncultured oafs though.

museumum · 05/11/2023 13:25

I think it’s great they enjoy this so much but the timing is off. It doesn’t have to be one thing or another if your clever about it. Can he do 3-4 swimming? It’s almost dark by then so you can all do a family thing 10-3 then you and dd drop them off and go to the cafe or even soft play (does the pool not have cafe or soft play).

Mirabai · 05/11/2023 13:27

PlantMum23 · 05/11/2023 13:03

Okay, I misquoted the younger ones age. I’ll try again.

You loved architecture at 2? That’s … quite something.

Show quote history

Yes I still have clear memories of the place I lived aged 0-2 years, and the places we went on holiday then - which didn’t revisit so they can’t have been an overlay of later memories.

You’re never too young to love beautiful things.

YouJustDoYou · 05/11/2023 13:27

I refuse to go. I absolutely fucking hate it - freezing cold, disgusting dirty floors, used nappies left out, screaming kids and idiot dads throwing balls around hitting people, ds always ends up with itching bloodshot eyes and someone always ends up with a sneezing cold.

Mirabai · 05/11/2023 13:31

JCWiatt · 05/11/2023 13:19

I can't believe the responses on here. Why should the OP bend to everything her DH wants, leaving her miserable and without the family time she changed her life for? DH swans around all weekend doing what he wants, with OP dropping off and picking up, whilst she gets nothing. Apparently the little woman should put up and shut up and just get on with toddler childcare. She may also want to see her son. Those saying they have a routine - it clearly says DH only started the swimming when OP changed jobs. DS also swims in the week. Once or twice a month on a Sunday yes, but not every weekend if OP isn't up for it. Being married with children is about partnership, give and take and family time. OP is getting none of that.

OP I can only suggest you stand your ground and say weekends need to work for all family members. Two weekends swimming and the other weekends a different activity. Don't be so quick to pick up and drop off. You're not his servant. Also, send your DD swimming with them sometimes.

DH needs to buy a second hand runaround car or get a motorbike.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 05/11/2023 13:37

Oh I hated weekly swimming as a family, but it was really important for building our children’s water confidence — plus they really enjoyed it. Both had swimming lessons at school, but both actually learnt with us. We would take turns supervising each child as, particularly when one was really young, it was impossible for one adult to supervise both properly.
I might say that neither child appreciated stately homes or museums until they were much older. I agree that you could decide on some other things to do as a family, but don’t knock swimming just because you don’t like it. It’s a legitimate family activity.

Gymnopedie · 05/11/2023 13:37

Did they go every Sunday before you changed your job? I'm another one who immediately thought that it's because you're at home so he doesn't have the hassle of taking both DCs.

I can see from the timing you've given why it writes off the whole day and them going sometimes is fine, but I don't agree with the PP who said you were being unreasonable on the grounds of you having changed your job and expecting them to change something they've always done on Sunday, because I suspect they haven't.

Presumably you discussed with DH why you were changing your job. What was his reaction then?

BananaSpanner · 05/11/2023 13:37

I feel for you OP, you’ve been manipulated into this situation under the guise of more family time.
I think you need to be more assertive though. Decide what it is you’d like to do as a family or just you and DS (no it’s not about favourites, it’s about ease and more options) and get it booked. Your DH either comes along or looks after DD.

stayathomer · 05/11/2023 13:37

Is the ops older child not 6? Laughing at all the people saying the dh is swanning off- going swimming with a 6yo is not swanning off nor easy😅

stayathomer · 05/11/2023 13:38

Oops sorry I read the times wrong! Could you not get up early Sunday and do something before swimming? All the parks etc would be open?

jupitermonket · 05/11/2023 13:38

I don’t understand? Did you not communicate with your family before you changed jobs for this purpose? And have you not communicated with them since?

This all seems easily solvable with a conversation:

You: I’d love us to spend more time together on a Sunday since I changed jobs with that purpose. Would you mind going swimming alternate weeks?

Family: Ok, sounds fair. It would be nice to see you more too. What shall we do this Sunday?

Problem solved, surely?!?!

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 05/11/2023 13:38

Can you see about going back to your old job .
I would speak to them and see if it’s an option. .

Id also no way be going on the car with them the drive and hanging around.
Just say no .
Dh is a parent too he can have kids on how own for one day jeeze .
Go back to your old work if it makes you happy

Gymnopedie · 05/11/2023 13:39

stayathomer · 05/11/2023 13:37

Is the ops older child not 6? Laughing at all the people saying the dh is swanning off- going swimming with a 6yo is not swanning off nor easy😅

Well the DH clearly finds it preferable to spending time with his wife and daughter.

stayathomer · 05/11/2023 13:44

Well the DH clearly finds it preferable to spending time with his wife and daughter.
That’s a bit of a push isn’t it? We’re declaring him a dick and a bad husband and parent for taking his child swimming? Are the four of them not together the rest of Sunday? I know the op says it doesn’t help the 6yo learning to swim but with that and school swimming classes that child is sorted water wise!! (I’m a non swimmer and I regret it!)

Backagain23 · 05/11/2023 13:48

Mirabai · 05/11/2023 13:31

DH needs to buy a second hand runaround car or get a motorbike.

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He wouldn't be running around on a motorbike with any 8 year old child of mine 🙃

Backagain23 · 05/11/2023 13:53

Why are people clinging on the stately home comment as some sort of clever "aha - booriiiiiing" moment when she clearly said the attractions on the estates are the draw for family days out?
The local stately home to me has the most fabulous adventure playground and petting zoo and the kids can dress up in period costumes and go on forest walks fairy and gruffalo hunting... Most kids would love the opportunity to visit places like that sometimes, instead of the same old pool every week.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 05/11/2023 13:56

BananaSpanner · 05/11/2023 13:37

I feel for you OP, you’ve been manipulated into this situation under the guise of more family time.
I think you need to be more assertive though. Decide what it is you’d like to do as a family or just you and DS (no it’s not about favourites, it’s about ease and more options) and get it booked. Your DH either comes along or looks after DD.

Hold on a moment. At no point has the OP said that it was her husband’s idea that she should change jobs. She changed because she wanted more family time — she just had one idea of what ‘family time’ means and her husband has another.

Hankunamatata · 05/11/2023 13:57

Could you rotate activities. Make list of things you want to do as a family (indoor and outdoor) then put swimming in once a month.

WimbyAce · 05/11/2023 13:58

Surely you just say can we do alternate Sundays swimming please so we can have a family day the other Sundays? I think it's quite nice he takes him to have fun in the pool.

IHateWasps · 05/11/2023 13:59

Hold on a moment. At no point has the OP said that it was her husband’s idea that she should change jobs. She changed because she wanted more family time — she just had one idea of what ‘family time’ means and her husband has another.

She did say that it was her husband's idea.

It was DH who wanted me to stop working weekends which I don't understand tbh now.. I think it was just too hard work going swimming with both kids so if I'm home it means I can have dd.

WimbyAce · 05/11/2023 14:02

I think it's prob more your dislike of the new job that is making you cross at DH tbh.

butterpuffed · 05/11/2023 14:05

OP , did you discuss changing your job because you wanted to spend more family time on a Sunday , with your DH ? Presumably , before this , he took both the children swimming , it was already a regular arrangement . Did he know that you wanted to spend Sundays differently ?

JCWiatt · 05/11/2023 14:06

stayathomer · 05/11/2023 13:44

Well the DH clearly finds it preferable to spending time with his wife and daughter.
That’s a bit of a push isn’t it? We’re declaring him a dick and a bad husband and parent for taking his child swimming? Are the four of them not together the rest of Sunday? I know the op says it doesn’t help the 6yo learning to swim but with that and school swimming classes that child is sorted water wise!! (I’m a non swimmer and I regret it!)

Yes, we are declaring him a dick because OP has raised the issue with him, been upset, hates her new job which she changed because DH asked her to and has said she is miserable. DH's response has been to argue with her and carry on doing things the way he wants. He won't even go to an earlier swim session allowing more of the day for family time because, 'he can't be arsed.' All this, after a day doing what he wanted on Saturday. So yes, he is being a dick.