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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
3luckystars · 05/11/2023 10:05

I think you know the answer to this yourself. You are both equally entitled to a career.
He won’t help so you will have to pay someone or get your mother to help fill the gaps. Keep going.

babytum · 05/11/2023 10:06

Selfish wanker. Sorry nothing more constructive to add.
He’s jealous and insecure. You’re bettering yourself and growing and he certainly does not like it.

Haydenn · 05/11/2023 10:06

The Christmas event is needed for networking and team building so you are right to make the effort to go.

is there an element of jealousy that you seem to be happy and thriving in a job that you enjoy with a good level of flexibility?

Notimeforaname · 05/11/2023 10:08

As above. If you're looking to stay with this man uoull have to find alternatives around what he is refusing to do.

I do think however, if he is having one day a week to do his own thing, you get the same. If it were me, I would be telling him that this is what I'm doing and how it is going to he. He will have to accept it.

Cherrysoup · 05/11/2023 10:08

I think you know he’s being unreasonable. Can your mum drive herself and the dc? You need to sit him down and explain in words of one syllable that this is your job and if he wants you to not work when he gets home, you need him to stop going to football every fucking week.

He’s being ridiculously selfish and childish. Why do you have to make compromises/re-organise what you’re doing and he doesn’t? Start maintaining your position, he’s being controlling.

margotrose · 05/11/2023 10:09

He's a dickhead.

NuffSaidSam · 05/11/2023 10:09

Of course you're upset, your husband is a selfish prick.

The question is what are you going to do about it? Will he be receptive to a serious conversation where you tell him to sort himself out or couples therapy?

If not, then I'd ignore him, push your career forward as much as possible, get things at home in order and put a plan to leave in place.

RightOnTheEdge · 05/11/2023 10:10

Of course YANBU! He is a selfish, lazy wanker!

Notimeforaname · 05/11/2023 10:10

Also, it's not that he hates your job. He hates you doing/having anything for yourself.

Is it only for work related reasons that you're busy? Do you ever inconvenience him by doing non-work related things?(like how he has football)

Nothanksthanksanyway · 05/11/2023 10:10

He sounds like a totally selfish dickhead.

Im not entirely sure why he thinks he is more important but he wouldn’t last long near me!

Ponoka7 · 05/11/2023 10:13

I agree that he doesn't hate your job, he hates having to do anything childcare related. He wants you to work and see to the children. While he walks in and out of the house without a care. Stick with your job. It's time for a honest conversation and I'd be looking at how you can exit this marriage if things don't change.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/11/2023 10:13

He sounds awful. It sounds like almost nothing is asked of him to accommodate your job. But he complains about that tiny amount.

HalloweenIsDone · 05/11/2023 10:17

I'm in a similar situation and I think whilst you manage the home life balance so DP doesn't have to do anything or minimal to contribute it makes them fall into a sense of entitlement so the very odd time they have to step up they don't want to. I don't have any advice because I'm here as well and I haven't found the answer.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/11/2023 10:19

He's lazy, selfish and entitled. Can you tell us who earns more?

Mariposista · 05/11/2023 10:24

Mysoginistic wanker. Good for you for having a good career that you love.

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 05/11/2023 10:27

Hes a dickhead who is not supporting you. However I wouldn't ask someone to take annual leave so I could do something in my job. But the rest of it he's a prick.

coffy11 · 05/11/2023 10:27

Imagine if it was the other way around and you were going out every weekend. It wouldn't happen but it's okay for him to do it and for your career to be an inconvenience to him? Selfish jerk.

Bruisername · 05/11/2023 10:27

Let me guess - you do all the housework and child related work and he does f all except his job? financially are contributing similar as well? Because I’m wondering what the point of him is

Howbizarre22 · 05/11/2023 10:31

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

he’s a cheeky bastard!!! I’m annoyed for you!

SomethingMustBeScaringThemAway · 05/11/2023 10:33

margotrose · 05/11/2023 10:09

He's a dickhead.

This.

Sounds as if you’re powering ahead, but all he wants in a wife is a domestic appliance.

Is he aware that some wives (every single one I know) work full time five days a week, and go on regular week long work trips far from home? Shock

This is going to be a real problem as you progress. Do not under any pressure from him give up any part of your work. You’ll need it once you’re divorced.

TeaGinandFags · 05/11/2023 10:37

Pot. Kettle.

Let me get this straight. You noth work but only one of you had to fit their hours around childcare? If not accommodaring the big kid you married? Especially whfn one of you already works shifts.

He's a dick.

Remind him that he's not the only one in the family. Then act accordingly.

landbeforegrime · 05/11/2023 10:40

Well done on the move and for feeling so happy with your job. sadly he sounds like a jealous and insecure pita. arrange for an uber to pick your mum and kids off, drop them at school then to take her home, assuming it's feasible. Let him know through your actions that you will be fine and maintaining your work with or without his help. and make sure that for every social outing he has you have one as well. he is taking you for granted and sees child care as your default responsibility not shared.

AutumnFroglets · 05/11/2023 10:41

So this is a husband who doesn't support his wife....that's not a husband.
This is a father who doesn't look after his children...that's not a father.
So what is he?

You look after the house and the children. If you can't then you organise outside help. You cook and clean without his help for anything. So what is he?

Does he have a golden cock or is he Jeff Bezos? What does he do that's so wonderful that you want screw yourself over for?

PS he doesn't hate your job. He hates that you don't put him first. Please tell me he doesn't get mardy if your put the children first??

Hadalifeonce · 05/11/2023 10:49

You are married to a man who doesn't want to be a husband or father

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/11/2023 10:49

Sounds like he wants you back in your place where he is in control of not just where you are and what you do, but in control of what you think. He's threatened by you leaving the house and having external connections through the online learning - so possibly he thinks that you might 'get ideas above your station', or interact with people who make you realise that you are worth more and can do better than be just a servant to his wants.

Has he got around to accusing you of making excuses to not be home in the evening, wanting to spend a night away from home and being online because you're planning/having an affair yet?