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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 07/11/2023 11:20

Reverse roles and tell your husband to get a job where his working hours would be more suited/tailored around yours.

Androcentrism: male centred. a worldview that is persistently male, as a result of patriarchy, sexism, and misogyny in historical and contemporary cultures. Aka: Men thinking everything/women/children needs to spin around them/their needs.

Jebbs · 07/11/2023 11:21

Chris002 · 07/11/2023 10:44

I used to work night shifts - it is very tiring. I guess WFH office workers with very flexible employers don't understand this I wouldn't expect them to!
A bit more give and take in both sides and you will work this out. It sounds like Dh is trying to tell you that he would like some attention in the relationship and you are allowing work to dominate your home life. Some Men aren't very good at articulating what they want without getting annoyed.
Is this work trip essential? If it is, then tell him you have to go or you will get the sack and then there would be only one income !
It is a one time event and he will just have to put up with it.
If it isn't essential then explain to your employers that you won't be attending due to child care issues I am sure they would be ok as you say they are very good about childcare generally!
Have you heard the saying there is no I in team ?
Your family is your 'team' and you all have to be team players in order for it to work,
In this situation You are expecting your husband and your mum and your children to fit in with you so you have to weigh up whether it is essential or not.
If it absolutely essential and job depends on it then explain this to your husband.
If it isn't, then don't go !
Also I guess you do the late working when your husband is at work on nights.
Maybe you can have a couple of evenings when he is not working when you can log off early ( you can do it for swimming) and cook dinner and sit down and have a family meal and may be an evening watching TV together or what ever you like to do as a couple when the kids are in bed.

Yes, in this situation she is asking her family to fit in with her needs, but as she noted elsewhere, she recently cancelled time with a friend to help her husband when he decided he needed to leave early for a course (as well as regular things like football, working her hours around the kids' activities, etc.) so it's clear that she's is willing and able to fit around the family's need. As such, where is the problem with her request?
My husband and I are a team - I work around his needs and he does the same around mine. He encourages me to get involved with things and go out which means there are occasions where he will be juggling things on his own, and I do the same for him. The issue here is that an awful lot of the giving is on the OP's side and an awful lot of the taking is on her husband's side. I may be wrong but it sounds like OP's DH is used to benefiting from being a member of the team (she covers him when he has work trips, works around his shifts, covers for his free time) and is taking it for granted, so her now asking for a little of the same back is seen as unreasonable to him...

toobusymummy · 07/11/2023 11:36

Oh my gosh, you've got the holy grail, a job you actually love and keeps you interested and fulfilled - most partners would be delighted given this fact AND that its generally flexible enough to work around childcare and his own needs with just the occasion help needed. I can't for the life of me think why this is a problem but you definitely need to find out as it sounds like a symptom rather than a cause?

YouJustDoYou · 07/11/2023 11:42

"This week I was slightly behind on ghe washing and he ran out of socks and the argument was terrible about how I'm lazy and don't do anything"

Divorce the fucking arsehole. Then you no longer have that selfish prick to pick up after, and he will HAVE to do childcare.

ElaineMBenes · 07/11/2023 11:45

Chris002 · 07/11/2023 10:44

I used to work night shifts - it is very tiring. I guess WFH office workers with very flexible employers don't understand this I wouldn't expect them to!
A bit more give and take in both sides and you will work this out. It sounds like Dh is trying to tell you that he would like some attention in the relationship and you are allowing work to dominate your home life. Some Men aren't very good at articulating what they want without getting annoyed.
Is this work trip essential? If it is, then tell him you have to go or you will get the sack and then there would be only one income !
It is a one time event and he will just have to put up with it.
If it isn't essential then explain to your employers that you won't be attending due to child care issues I am sure they would be ok as you say they are very good about childcare generally!
Have you heard the saying there is no I in team ?
Your family is your 'team' and you all have to be team players in order for it to work,
In this situation You are expecting your husband and your mum and your children to fit in with you so you have to weigh up whether it is essential or not.
If it absolutely essential and job depends on it then explain this to your husband.
If it isn't, then don't go !
Also I guess you do the late working when your husband is at work on nights.
Maybe you can have a couple of evenings when he is not working when you can log off early ( you can do it for swimming) and cook dinner and sit down and have a family meal and may be an evening watching TV together or what ever you like to do as a couple when the kids are in bed.

Have you actually read the OP? and her subsequent updates?

Her husband isn't a team player. He's trying to sabotage her career.

Why should her career development suffer because her husband dictates that's the way it should be? Me and DH do lots of extra things for work, sometimes because they will help our careers and other time it's just because we want to. That can sometimes mean asking my MiL to help with childcare or means we have to juggle things between us. That's what you do when you're a team.

Abstractreader · 07/11/2023 11:50

If this was a man in your position, asking his wife to do the same, nobody would bat an eyelid.

It is not like this is a regular occurrence and honestly, many many men work regular late nights and early mornings, leaving the woman to juggle the kids, a job and all the other commitments.

Think you need a proper sit-down conversation to discuss this and the feelings surrounding the matter because I couldn't live like this.

YANBU.

ThreeRingCircus · 07/11/2023 11:54

What a pathetic little man.

I'd say "OK DH, I'll let mum know she has to take DC to school in the morning and get herself home as you don't want to so I'm going to go ahead and book a taxi for her."

He doesn't hate your job. He is insecure and jealous and doesn't like that you're doing well, being successful, going out with friends (and meeting other people through work). He wants you at home where he knows where you are and doing all the housework.

I would tell him very clearly that you both work, both contribute financially to the household and are jointly responsible for the children. Currently he is not doing his fair share. Therefore as he gets one day to himself every Saturday, you will be having Sundays to go out and see friends or do something for yourself. Or he can cancel football on Saturdays, his choice.

Honestly OP this is a hill I'd choose to die on. It sounds like it would be easier if you were separated to be honest then he could do 50% of all childcare. What a stupid twat.

Orangello · 07/11/2023 12:08

If it isn't essential then explain to your employers that you won't be attending due to child care issues

There are no child care issues besides the father of the children believing he can do absolutely nothing as far as the children are concerned. OP's career should not suffer because husband cannot be arsed to do one single school run.

katseyes7 · 07/11/2023 12:25

My ex husband was like this.
Complained that 'our lives revolved around my fucking shifts' when l was with the police, but was happy enough that 'my fucking shifts' brought in enough money to pay for a detached house and a new car each.
He was well capable of getting a better job, but too bloody idle to bother.
This sounds to me as if your husband wants his wife doing all the domestic stuff/childcare, so he doesn't have to.
How on earth does you using your laptop for work/self improvement while he's out of the damn house affect him? It's petty and childish.

pinkyredrose · 07/11/2023 12:28

This week I was slightly behind on ghe washing and he ran out of socks and the argument was terrible about how I'm lazy and don't do anything.

😮😡

What a cunt he is. Do you really want to stay with someone who treats you as a domestic appliance with a vagina attachment?

Tamrastarr · 07/11/2023 12:50

My OH was like this. I always worked in an office based professional role and he worked for himself. I still did a lot of drop offs but he mostly picked up. But he would always expect me to take time off for any children's appointments, school issues or illness and he would massively guilt trip me if I had to work. He made my life a misery if I wanted to go out, work or fun, and I had to give him weeks' notice and write it on a blackboard in advance. If I didn't again, my life would be made a misery. I worked 4 days a week and he always bugged me to go down to three. If I did three, he would want two. Our children are grown but he still hates me working, however, I don't care anymore. Don't be like me xx

Biddie191 · 07/11/2023 13:20

Who on earth are the 1% who think you are unreasonable??

lego44 · 07/11/2023 13:39

Replying to previous post that the night shifts are probs affecting the husband's mood - my ex did night shifts and it made him psychotic.

Differentstarts · 07/11/2023 13:40

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Skodacool · 07/11/2023 13:44

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything

In that case he is being completely unreasonable. He just doesn’t want to take an equal share in family responsibilities as well as trying to destroy your career. Time to get angry with him.

Newestname002 · 07/11/2023 13:45

Tamrastarr · 07/11/2023 12:50

My OH was like this. I always worked in an office based professional role and he worked for himself. I still did a lot of drop offs but he mostly picked up. But he would always expect me to take time off for any children's appointments, school issues or illness and he would massively guilt trip me if I had to work. He made my life a misery if I wanted to go out, work or fun, and I had to give him weeks' notice and write it on a blackboard in advance. If I didn't again, my life would be made a misery. I worked 4 days a week and he always bugged me to go down to three. If I did three, he would want two. Our children are grown but he still hates me working, however, I don't care anymore. Don't be like me xx

Are you planning on spending your retirement years with this man? 🌹

Munkimoo · 07/11/2023 13:48

Do NOT give up your job or position. If things have been tough for a while it's not about this job, and it sounds like things might end up going sour (I'm sorry) but that job will be the saving grace for you and your children. Maybe get together a list of people you trust and are willing to help out with child care and just act as though you are a single mom going forward, sounds like you pretty much are anyway.

Hope things improve for you x

Chris002 · 07/11/2023 14:09

Orangello · 07/11/2023 12:08

If it isn't essential then explain to your employers that you won't be attending due to child care issues

There are no child care issues besides the father of the children believing he can do absolutely nothing as far as the children are concerned. OP's career should not suffer because husband cannot be arsed to do one single school run.

Op says that her husband had concerns about her mother looking after the kids.
But she doesn't say what those concerns are ? He may have a valid point but we don't have that information

billy1966 · 07/11/2023 14:34

OP, would you like your daughter to end up with such a selfish, controlling, loser?

Or your son to mirror him?

Justanothermum42 · 07/11/2023 15:03

Toxic! So sorry. Your DH should be supporting you, not being upset with you that you want to work and develop yourself. It’s a big red flag for me. You are not being unreasonable at all. Big hug

MrsRaspberry · 07/11/2023 15:53

He doesn't specifically hate your job role he just doesn't like the idea that he has to pull his finger out and actually take on a little bit of responsibility for his kids. He probably hoped for a little stay at home 50s wife who would stay home take care of the kids etc while he comes home from work and does nothing else unless it specifically benefits only himself. He's a selfish wanker unfortunately if he can't even take a little time out of his day to drop his kids into school so that his wife can continue with her career

Blaster22 · 07/11/2023 17:30

My exh was the same. He hated every job i ever did, except when i worked for his company. For free. He also would expect me to jump into bed with him every single time we happened to be at home alone without the kids. It really was just a life of service..to a very shitty person.
When i tried to have a career or study, i was told to stay in my lane and it was all but a vanity project or a fad. And every instance my schedule was out of the ordinary, it was such a huuuge deal to him.
So..you're not being unreasonable. He is. And dont stay if he doesnt improve.

helpplease01 · 07/11/2023 17:59

‘should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything’

He’s behaving like a petulant child, he’s a man baby I’m afraid.

He wants you to stay in the box. He’s jealous, insecure, and a selfish bastard.

You may need to think about leaving him if this carries on.

He hadn’t got your back.

You are outgrowing him. He can’t handle it.

It’s OK. It happens.

Move on

good luck

Canthave2manycats · 07/11/2023 18:03

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No need to be so nasty!!!

notjaneausten · 07/11/2023 18:23

This bloke is a controlling useless bastard. You know this.