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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 05/11/2023 15:04

He wants to keep you in your box OP, which is not what you want in a partner.

Long term you need to have a think about whether he can change or whether you need an exit plan.

Short term, hopefully he’ll come round, but if not could a friend drop the kids? Or even a local cab company (your mum could go with them and then she can be dropped home) - if you need to use a cab book soon because that time of day is very busy.

Guesswho88 · 05/11/2023 15:27

This thread reminds me of another one on here the other day, can't remember the title but it was basically where the husbands needs/job was more important than the woman's and the woman (or women as it became clear from posters with similar stories) had to fit around him.

Orangello · 05/11/2023 15:31

WTF. So you earn the same, you tie yourself in knots to work around his shifts and disturb him as little as possible. And he can't do just ONE thing for you? The king of the castle shall not be disturbed by the existence of his children?

SlightlyJaded · 05/11/2023 15:34

OP - He is a selfish prick

Even if you were earning tuppence - but work was making you happy - he should be supportive. He is a jealous man-baby who doesn't want to commit to child-care/parenting/housekeeping in any way. He wants you at home where you are picking up all the boring stuff and at his beck and call - twat. You have facilitated this far too long - he needs to get a reality check from you and you - and you need to mean it.

Snowdayplease · 05/11/2023 15:36

Tell him to fuck off. Honestly, he does not deserve a second of your time trying to see things from his point of view.

HarrietStyles · 05/11/2023 15:40

I’ve read the whole thread and I know it’s already been said lots of times, but I can’t leave without repeating.

He is selfish

He is a user

He thinks he is more important than you

He thinks you are his support human

He is a misogynist

He can’t be arsed to parent his own children

He has no respect for you

He is lazy

He is just a complete knob and I don’t know how you can go a day longer without dumping his arse.

BeeDavis · 05/11/2023 16:14

To put it simply, what a fucking arsehole. I could not be with someone so utterly selfish.

StaunchMomma · 05/11/2023 16:28

You are both entitled to a career and some spare time.

I take it you are doing the lion's share of the cleaning/cooking/sorting for the kids etc on top of working? If that's the case and he automatically thinks he's entitled to football with his mates every weekend and STILL finds it annoying to have to drop HIS feckin kids off at school on ONE DAY then he's being nothing short of an entitled twat.

You need to stick up for yourself here, OP.

Tiddlywinkly · 05/11/2023 16:42

Sounds like my sister, except there's a huge inequality in earnings and anytime she complains about him not pulling his weight he'll start his response with, "Until you earn £xxx,xxx..."". It's disgusting. She feels like she can't say anything back to that.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 05/11/2023 16:43

I think you realise this by now, but do not give up your job!

This is exactly why women should never give up their financial independence. Doing so will make it harder to leave when women finally realise they’ve aligned themselves with a pig.
Money = options and not putting up with this kind of shit.

He needs to fix up big time or it’s divorce.

Original poster
Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 16:55

So after another argument it now transpires that he doesn't trust my mum to look after the kids overnight. The plan was I would stay to put them to sleep and then get a late train down to where I need to be in the morning. He would then come home in the morning and get them up for school etc and I would be back for pick up in the evening.

On his days off he will cook and will do pick and drop off, but I have to be logged off dead on 5pm or there's an argument (I logged off at 5.07 the other day as I was on a call that ran over and I had a 10 minute lecture about how I work 9-5 and should expect to get paid for thr extra 7 minutes) however when I logged off at 430 the other week because I had to take DC swimming (agreed with work) he didn't say I should pay the extra 30 minutes back. Work are flexible and know I logged on later that night and I get what I need to done

The rest of the housework falls to me. I do the washing, loading and unloading of the dishwasher, sort bins out etc. This week I was slightly behind on ghe washing and he ran out of socks and the argument was terrible about how I'm lazy and don't do anything.

OP posts:
RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance · 05/11/2023 16:57

Where does your opinion fit in here, OP?

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 05/11/2023 16:59

It's nothing to do with him not trusting your mum. He's doing everything he can to try and limit your progression. He hates your job and the fact you're growing.

he's at work. You've made suitable arrangements for the kids.

This Won't get better. He's a miserable man child who wants all his own way.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 05/11/2023 17:05

Well, we all know it's nothing to do with your mum!!!

He doesn't want you doing well in your career, and when things were ticking along nicely just as he wanted them, there was no discord in your relationship.

But this is who he really is.

Look out for a massive kickback when you start out earning him.

And you must go on this event.

Pezdeoro41 · 05/11/2023 17:07

Him doing pickups etc on his days off is one thing - but who does them when you are both working? Is he willing to alter his work arrangements to fit them in, or is it always you doing that?

Bruisername · 05/11/2023 17:10

So what is he bringing to the table?

from the way you have written this it’s clear you are done with him even if you haven’t accepted it yet!

TooOldForThisNonsense · 05/11/2023 17:11

Does he fuck not trust your mum

unless there is a massive back story it is not hard to look after 2 kids for one night. Presumably your mum raised you OK?

ignore him and do not cancel the event. He’ll have to take the kids to school and as for your mum if he’s really going to be that much of a cock you can get her a taxi

Original poster
Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 17:13

If we are both working it depends what shift he is on for drop off and pick up, but 70% of his shifts are nights so the majority fall to me.

I work my day around school and nursery runs. I will set the laptop up before doing school run, and then my lunch break is pick up time. I then work for an extra hour or so after pick up and then do nursery pick up for youngest. Again all agreed with work.

OP posts:
TooOldForThisNonsense · 05/11/2023 17:15

Also stop doing his washing.

my husband is not a dick but am I fuck washing the pants of a grown man!

Vinrouge4 · 05/11/2023 17:17

Your husband is being very controlling. You need to nip this in the bud otherwise it will only get worse.

HalloweenIsDone · 05/11/2023 17:18

I think he just doesn't want you to have your own life/independence and go out.

unsync · 05/11/2023 17:18

I am not seeing what his contribution is to your relationship. Have I missed something? It all seems rather one way tbh.

Maray1967 · 05/11/2023 17:20

He wouldn’t last ten minutes with me.

OP, don’t get upset, get flaming angry. If he behaved like this with me, he’d find all his footie kit miraculously shredded in the wash.

Tell him that your job matters. Tell him you have no time for a pathetic, selfish whiner.

My DH has always tried his best to cover my work trips etc - because he’s a decent bloke and we work as a team.

rookiemere · 05/11/2023 17:24

Presumably you have no concerns about your DM looking after the DCs overnight ?

OP this man is not your friend and is not on your side. Assume going forward that he will sabotage any social event you try to make. I'd actually stop telling him and make childcare arrangements that don't involve him.

He doesn't want you to be happy and fulfilled. I don't say this lightly, but you would be better off on your own.

Shoxfordian · 05/11/2023 17:32

He's not on your team. He's not supportive or proud of you like he should be, seriously think about whether this is what you want

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