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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 05/11/2023 13:01

Take up a hobby every Sunday and leave him with the children. I know you want family time but this is the only way he will understand and it would be very hard to object as he was out the day before.

Focus on your career and climbing the pay scale as quick as possible.

As another poster said your eyes have been opened you are now seeing the selfish man that he is. This is about him wanting to laze around it’s not about your job.

Make sure you are in a position to go it alone so you have options.

SwordToFlamethrower · 05/11/2023 13:02

Does he do cooking and cleaning, shopping and childcare on his working days? Does he do anything besides his paid job on his working days?

What do you do on your working days?

Pezdeoro41 · 05/11/2023 13:08

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:49

Thank you for the replies.

Salary wise we are about equal, but his is a combination of overtime and shift pay where as mine is basic plus bonus etc. but overall not much in it at all.

I think some of my frustration is that I never get time to myself. I was due to go for lunch with a friend recently and I had to cancel because he had to go on a course which involved staying away and he wanted to leave at lunch time. If I had said that there would have been a while argument about how I put work first.

I just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.

Your feeling sounds spot on!! He wants you to do all the childcare and sort everything out around his job, and isn’t happy to return the favour. He sees that as your work and your actual job only ok when it doesn’t interfere with that. It’s misogynist. Have you asked him why he sees his job as more important than yours?

From what you say it sounds like you do all the childcare/ drop offs and pick ups etc around your job? What does he actually contribute to this relationship?

I couldn’t be with a man like this.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/11/2023 13:19

Seriously op. How can you even post this as a question?

Your husband is awful. Completely and utterly awful. Selfish, sexist, lazy. Just awful.

Equality op!! Equal!! If he gets an hour 'off', you get an hour off. If he can work the shifts to better his career, then so can you. How either of you can think anything other than this is fair, I just do not know.

I have absolutely no idea, NONE, why you haven't divorced him.

MsFrog · 05/11/2023 13:29

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:49

Thank you for the replies.

Salary wise we are about equal, but his is a combination of overtime and shift pay where as mine is basic plus bonus etc. but overall not much in it at all.

I think some of my frustration is that I never get time to myself. I was due to go for lunch with a friend recently and I had to cancel because he had to go on a course which involved staying away and he wanted to leave at lunch time. If I had said that there would have been a while argument about how I put work first.

I just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.

I've only read to here and then stopped because you've absolutely hit the nail on the head, OP. How upsetting and disappointing for you. I hope you can have a frank conversation with him and he'll realise how selfish he's being.

pinkyredrose · 05/11/2023 13:30

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

Treat him the way he treats you. Tell him he's selfish every time he goes out.

Have you ever asked him directly why he's so unsupportive?

MagpieCastle · 05/11/2023 13:32

Your partner should be in your corner, celebrating your successes and working with you as a team to find solutions to childcare and family needs. Blaming your job is just his way of saying that it’s not fair that he has to step up and do his fair share of parenting. It’s not an attractive stance. Don’t be made to feel this is down to you. It really isn’t.

EvilElsa · 05/11/2023 13:46

What an absolute cock. I couldn't share my life with anyone that selfish and unsupportive. Sorry OP, you deserve better.

meanypegs · 05/11/2023 14:08

I would not say a further thing about the overnight - as PP have said, book a taxi to drop your DC off and then drop your mum off.

Do not change your plans under any circumstances. If he asks, make it very clear to him that you are going ahead with your work event, and you are going to sort out the logistics yourself as he has been a bellend uncooperative.

Once this event is over, think about how to proceed. If you don't want to get divorced (I would understand this, as divorce is hell), you need to do all you can to live and work with no reference to him. In the example of you not being able to meet your friend for lunch because of his work, you would just go and meet your friend and tell him that his work was not your problem.

It might be worth sitting down with him and drawing up a schedule of who's at work when, and who has leisure time when - but I suspect that he would ride roughshod over anything you agreed, and would moan about you working.

Autiebibliophile · 05/11/2023 14:12

He dislikes your work because it impacts on him. But he hasn't considered his work and leisure time impacts on you.

I would say "you expect me to work around your shifts and to cover at home on a Saturday so you can play football. There needs to be a balance, you need to support my work and me time too"

If he's not willing to support you I'd question if he's a good partner

FlamingoQueen · 05/11/2023 14:21

He is an idiot! Do not do anything to help him out until he realises that you should be a team.
Also, I would get up really early one Saturday and go out before he realises! Then he might realise that he needs you and starts treating you fairly.
And, tell him you need your job so you start planning to leave him!

christmascrackle · 05/11/2023 14:22

Sorry to say he is being an utter shit. Try and bear it or get rid...

rwalker · 05/11/2023 14:25

Pay for your mum to get a taxi home
he can ether have kids at home or take them to school /nursery and also explain there absence

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 05/11/2023 14:28

Yup, selfish arsehole. He thinks because he works for a living, that he shouldn't be expected to do anything else at all to look after his house or his children. He prefers that rule not to apply to you though, because childcare and housework are a woman’s job, even though you actually have a job too. He wants your job to be as insignificant and unimportant as possible so that he feels he's justified in expecting you to do everything at home. Twat.

MzHz · 05/11/2023 14:30

You H needs a serious kick up the arse @Easiertogiveup88

he doesn’t like the inconvenience of parenting or doing his fair share

deeply unacceptable

Feduptryingusernames · 05/11/2023 14:33

You appear to be a responsible and caring mum. He is unreasonable and sounds like he wants your full attention together with no disruption to his timetable. Also, he isn't interested in your development. Selfish man.

Badatthis · 05/11/2023 14:35

Call him out..his ego has taken a battering and he needs to get over it.

fetchacloth · 05/11/2023 14:35

He clearly thinks it's still the 1950s.
Well it isn't and you're just as entitled to a career as he is so don't give in to him 🙄
Stay strong 💐

Crikeyalmighty · 05/11/2023 14:37

I ended up divorcing my 1st husband when I was 28 for very similar. I was doing student nurse training with 2 under 5s and it involved shifts when on assignment. He made such a hoo ha and fuss about it interfering with his football/golf or nights down the pub that I totally went off him -

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 05/11/2023 14:39

This is like the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers thing - she did everything he did, but backwards and in high heels.

OP, you earn what he does, on basic and bonus, whilst doing everything for and around the kids.

He's selfish and intimidated by your competence (which is clearly formidable).

Do not let him wear you down.

And spend the money on a taxi for your mum/kids after the party - I'm certain that you prioritise the family and don't want to waste money (because that's what I used to do), but you deserve a Christmas party, you earn money, and this is exactly why Taxis exist.

Stilldigging · 05/11/2023 14:42

As everyone else has said, he is an absolute prick who thinks you are there soley as his support person. Whatever you do don't let him stop you doing anything you want to do, or you risk ending up reliant on him, and losing yourself. I can't see what he brings to the relationship at all.

billy1966 · 05/11/2023 14:47

He is a selfish controlling loser that has zero interest in having any responsibility for his children and wants you occupied all the time.

You are afraid of challenging him which indicates he has a temper that makes you nervous.

He's a shit father and a shit husnand, but I think you know that.

Keep your job, family and friends close.

You are going to need them all.

AnneElliott · 05/11/2023 14:48

I agree with everyone else - he's a knob. Definitely keep your job as you are likely to need it to support yourself.

Aurasauras · 05/11/2023 14:49

I am guessing that he HAS already worn you down and you are treading on eggshells and trying to avoid confrontation. But the truth is, he will get worse and maybe a confrontation will actually either clear the air or be the final straw that motivates you to say enough. Don’t live on your knees for him OP.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/11/2023 14:59

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days

He knows perfectly well that he is the selfish one - wanting you to be his housekeeper, default carer of his children, replacement mother. I'm not surprised he doesn't want his own convenience impeded and in a way that makes you independent.

If you don't want to be treated like this for the rest of your life get yourself up the job ladder with self development as much as you can - you may need it and the financial security it brings.