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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
Original poster
Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:49

Thank you for the replies.

Salary wise we are about equal, but his is a combination of overtime and shift pay where as mine is basic plus bonus etc. but overall not much in it at all.

I think some of my frustration is that I never get time to myself. I was due to go for lunch with a friend recently and I had to cancel because he had to go on a course which involved staying away and he wanted to leave at lunch time. If I had said that there would have been a while argument about how I put work first.

I just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.

OP posts:
ToadOnTheHill · 05/11/2023 10:50

I'd tell him he has a joint responsibility to the kids and he currently does less than his share. Priportionately you are doing all wrap around care and every Saturday and he is being asked to make minimal changes tnaypport your progression, which will be tot the benefit of the family as a whole, never mind that he should want to support his wife.

Most working families swap hours around. He has an attitude problem in that he thinks the kids are your responsibility and deep down I would venture a guess that he is insecure about your L&D. Is he normally jealous about you going out socially, particularly if he doesnt know the men?

FWIW, I wouldnt even need to ask my husband to facilitate me getting to something I wanted to do, even if it was pure fun or a Christmas party. He certainly wouldnt get snide about me working late as, like you, kids would be in bed.

This is rambly, sorry, but my point is that my experience is that he is not behaving like it would expect a husband to so you should feel 100% secure that you are right.

The older I get the more it grates on me that women are expected to "have a conversation with him, find out what's really going on", as though its our job to do the emotional labour for them. Which is why I would riot act him..husband, these examples of behaviour are making me feel unsupported. Shale up or ship out. You would be in the exact same position (noone to take mum home) if you were single. So how does the relationship benefit you and make your life better? Being funny, good looking and good in bed isnt what's important when you are married with kids, so apart from a second wage, which benefits could top up, what does he do to make the relationship worth it?

ToadOnTheHill · 05/11/2023 10:51

Fyi, DH doesnt have your job, he hated that you place importance on it and arent grateful simply to have a nice little lady job that fits around you doing full childcare because deep down he has outdated values on being the breadwinner and his role.

Bruisername · 05/11/2023 10:52

Well that’s quite a list of negatives. What are his positives?

RockGirl · 05/11/2023 10:53

If you leave him and share custody, he will have to be responsible for 50% of the childcare. I wonder what he thinks of that?

Mumofoneandone · 05/11/2023 10:55

The relationship is totally out of balance with you just getting on with everything for a quiet life.
He is totally unreasonable, for whatever reason but situation not sustainable as it is.

Allwelcone · 05/11/2023 10:55

Yes imo you need to make things very clear to him and he needs to have an attitude change.

Dolphinnoises · 05/11/2023 10:57

To be clear - it wasn’t necessary for him to leave at lunchtime? He could have left later so you could have seen your friend? If so this is coercive behaviour

ToadOnTheHill · 05/11/2023 10:58

Should also say that you sound a bit like my friend. When she started working a job she loved she started seeing things in a new light and got the confidence to face up to things not being right at home and realised there was more to life.

She divorced the bloke to become a single mum. Said it wasnt muh different and at least he wasnt annoying her and she wasnt planning around the lazy sod.

20+ years later, he is still the same. She feels sorry for his partner as she knows she is always trying to change him and get him to want to go out and do things with her. Meanwhile my friend is remarried, close to her kids and is always off an adventure. The ex never deserved her and I cant imagine how unshiny and wasted her life would have been if shes just carried on carrying the load, muddling through and wasting her life.

GrumpyPanda · 05/11/2023 10:59

So you've been accommodating his shifts AND his extensive hobbies for years and years, and when he's asked for a minimum contribution a single day he gets all huffy? He's a DARVOing prick. What are YOU getting out of this relationship?

Youtoldmeonce · 05/11/2023 11:01

To sort the Christmas party stay over, just book a taxi to get kids to school & your mom home, as for the rest only you know where to go from here.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 05/11/2023 11:01

I just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.

That's because that's exactly what he wants. He wants your main role to be maid and childcare, so he can swan about as he pleases. If it involves him making effort or heaven forbid looking after his own children, he gaslights you and tries to make you feel guilty.

When he says you put work first, he means you don't put HIM first. You aren't his slave.

Kicking off to try and stop you having any time to yourself (while he gets footie and lads time) is abusive.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/11/2023 11:02

He’s a stupid, selfish cunt. That is all.

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2023 11:02

Tell him if he can’t step up as a father and as a partner, that you’ll end up divorced.

Make it clear to him that it’s not your job that’s the problem, it’s his behaviour as a father and partner.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/11/2023 11:03

just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.

That’s exactly it. He wants to do what he wants, and he wants you to do literally everything else. As I said, stupid selfish cunt.

Olika · 05/11/2023 11:04

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2023 11:02

Tell him if he can’t step up as a father and as a partner, that you’ll end up divorced.

Make it clear to him that it’s not your job that’s the problem, it’s his behaviour as a father and partner.

This!

baytreelane23 · 05/11/2023 11:05

He sounds horrible. Does he ever do any drop offs/ pick ups?

How incredibly selfish he is!

labmum567 · 05/11/2023 11:05

Fire with fire here. You now have a new hobby every Saturday so football's off

PinkiOcelot · 05/11/2023 11:06

Wow! What a prick. He should be proud of you OP.
Tell him he can no longer go to football at the weekend or out with friends. See how that goes down.

haribosmarties · 05/11/2023 11:07

He's an absolute wanker.
My husband drops the kids off at breakfast club every day on his way to work to facilitate my shifts.
You are BOTH responsible for childcare and so sometimes have to do things regarding it on days you are working.
You also BOTH deserve time off.. so if you take care of the kids whilst he's at football he can do the drop off with them whilst you attend your work Christmas event. It's the least he can do. He sounds like a selfish idiot.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/11/2023 11:07

This is a dealbreaker Op, he needs to see you as a person with her own needs, not the housekeeper/childminder/person who pays half the bills. He's had it his own way for far too long so of course he hates you changing but your not going to be happy going backwards. Serious talk time Op, he needs to step up or you'll just resent him more and more

Notnowbernard63 · 05/11/2023 11:07

He doesn’t hate your job, (no doubt he enjoys splitting the bills!) he hates having to pick up a teeny bit of the unpaid labour.

I couldn’t tolerate such an equal relationship but guess it’s up to you, if you are ok with this!

IfKipling · 05/11/2023 11:08

The man does not know how to have a relationship. A relationship is reciprocal, respectful and mutually supportive. He is capable only of taking and not giving back. Do not give up that job. He doesn’t hate your job by the way, he hates taking his own responsibility for his own family.

Gcsunnyside23 · 05/11/2023 11:08

You know he's in the wrong. he wants things to go back to him doing nothing and you doing it all. I would be telling him that if he doesn't start picking up the slack then he will be picking up 50% of it on his own.
What's his issue with dropping kids and your mum? Is it a bigger issue where he is jealous your bettering yourself? I'd get it if he was concerned you're running yourself into the ground working late but it's more than this.
I would swiftly be changing things and making sure you both get time off, Saturday can't just be his to go to football I'd be making plans he needs to facilitate also.

RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance · 05/11/2023 11:10

He doesn't like you. That's the real problem here. If he did, he would be proud and supportive. I'm sorry, op. This is really shit.

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