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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
1990thatsme · 05/11/2023 11:41

If he doesn’t support you and make your life easier, there’s no point in keeping him is there?

Blanca87 · 05/11/2023 11:42

There is your problem you are enabling him to be arse by not using your voice or putting boundaries in place.

Livinghappy · 05/11/2023 11:44

Your assessment of him "no longer being the centre of your world" might be spot on.

May be it's the change and overtime he will adjust his attitude - will he discuss with you or is he laying down the law?

Itsnotchristmasyet · 05/11/2023 11:45

Timspam · 05/11/2023 11:20

Looking at this from a different angle, my part will not work not even part time, after a few redundancy's my salary is now less than it was ten years ago, I'm under so much pressure now it's making me poorly. My point being, I'd love to be with someone like you, I think he needs to think how fortunate he is to have you.

Please start your own thread.
It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and would benefit from some advice from posters who’ve been in a similar situation.

They may not see your post if it’s on someone else’s thread.
It doesn’t sound like a good environment to be in 💐

Hayliebells · 05/11/2023 11:45

YANBU, how anyone could think YABU is absurd. He's basically got to look after his kids for a bit after a shift, the same as all working parents need to do, but he's refused? Many parents will be collecting their kids from childcare, doing dinner etc every single day after work. Most couples who work will split this equally if possible, but he can't even do this now and again? Obviously he's a selfish lazy prick. So, as a PP said, what are you going to do about it? Divorce and shared custody would at least get you some time to yourself, unless you thought he'd never look after his kids......

Itsbritneybitch22 · 05/11/2023 11:47

So he is pissed off that he has to actually do things with bud children fucking arsehole.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 05/11/2023 11:49

mommatoone · 05/11/2023 11:31

' I just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.'

That paragraph is all you need to know OP. Thats exactly what he wants. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!. Selfish bastard he is.

I agree.

I actually think many husbands are like this.

They are great and will act like great partners when you have kids and need to drop your hours or stay in most of the time because you’re so busy with the kids.

They will act like they’re supportive of you but in reality they want you to stay at home and not have a life of your own.

But their true colours come out when you want to have your own life and want to start having your own friends, hobbies and career.

Of course it’s not all men but I have noticed it too many times.

Codlingmoths · 05/11/2023 11:49

Do not cut back on your job. Tell him you have a new hobby and since he’s had football for years and years it’s your turn, he now has to look after the kids while you… catch up on work. Leave the house wihtout kids before football and make him miss It, tell him this is his life now, if he thinks you’re worthless he isn’t getting any respect back. Why does he get to focus on work with you looking after things at home and many hours each week for a hobby and resent you doing even a fraction of that? Tell him it’s really clear he doesn’t love you because it isn’t love to think someone is so much less than you are and so you are working really hard on falling out of love with him and also as the oniy person in your marriage who cares about you, you are making caring about you your new priority, since someone has to.

jazzyfips · 05/11/2023 11:54

Absolute wanker

LadyLapsang · 05/11/2023 12:00

Do not cut back on your job or curb your ambitions. He wants the best of both worlds (for him) the financial contribution from your work but for you to pick up most of the housework / childcare. He sounds jealous and insecure. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are out earning him soon and he realises the current set up will end.

Someone senior in the Girls Public Day School Trust once said one of the most important decisions a woman makes is her choice of partner / husband. If he is not your cheerleader, a true partner and supporter, who will be?

C152 · 05/11/2023 12:15

He sounds unbelievably selfish, OP. He wants you to go back to your old job so nothing will be expected of him?! What exactly does he bring to the table, other than his moods and childish behaviour? You sound like you modify your own life to the max, so as to meet the needs of your kids and keep life as simple, uncomplicated and undemanding as possible for your husband. I understand this. I was you for many years. Every time you try to scrape just a tiny amount of life out for yourself, he will do something to either prevent you or make you feel like you're the worst person on earth. This isn't what a partnership looks like.

whynotwhatknot · 05/11/2023 12:18

so you have to do things on working days but he doesnt? thats pathetic-and he also gets a day out at weekends

whats the point of him

ElaineMBenes · 05/11/2023 12:22

I just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.
What a selfish man.

Your husband should be your biggest cheerleader.

PissOffKen · 05/11/2023 12:24

Concentrate on your career OP, for the simple and inevitable reason that it will last longer than your marriage.

LongDarkTeatime · 05/11/2023 12:29

EQUALITY (or lack of it) comes to mind.
Could you sit down with DH to plan your diaries and draw up (literally with pen and paper) what would be equal ie if you give up any out of hours commitments, so does he. Or if he keeps his out of hours commitments, what do you get?
It can be useful for some people to be able to see these sort of things visually. Hopefully when it’s down in black and white he’ll see he’s being unfair. If not, and he continues being a selfish git, then you know clearly where you stand.

MikeRafone · 05/11/2023 12:30

id explain that if you were to even consider changing your job role - he would have to be doing every other Saturday with the children, once he takes total responsibility for the child care twice a month so you can immerse yourself in your hobby - then you'll consider it. but until you are equally sharing the family load there is not a hope in hell

WowOK · 05/11/2023 12:38

He's a selfish prick. He wants to go to work, come home or go out and opt out of parenting / family life. He thinks that should be your job. He wants a world that revolves around him. He needs to head back to the 1950s.

Your career and happiness matters.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 05/11/2023 12:39

It's it amazing that a lot of these guys who want a SAHM are the very type who aren't successful enough to afford it but the minute their wife starts earning equally they hate that too.

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 05/11/2023 12:48

babytum · 05/11/2023 10:06

Selfish wanker. Sorry nothing more constructive to add.
He’s jealous and insecure. You’re bettering yourself and growing and he certainly does not like it.

Spot on

Smugandproud · 05/11/2023 12:48

Your dh thinks he’s your boss.
He’s selfish and you need to make time for yourself asap.

Allthecushions · 05/11/2023 12:50

He’s a selfish, lazy cunt.

Icepinkeskimo · 05/11/2023 12:50

PissOffKen · 05/11/2023 12:24

Concentrate on your career OP, for the simple and inevitable reason that it will last longer than your marriage.

And that is the cold hard truth, op has found her niche and he’s doing the power dance.
At some point we have to stand on our own two feet and say enough is enough.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 05/11/2023 12:51

How can he “refuse” to take his own children to school? Of course YANBU and he’s a cunt. Don’t change your plans for him.

AngelAurora · 05/11/2023 12:57

Tell him he can refuse but all it means is that the kids will be stuck with him all day instead. Your husband sounds like a bitter controlling man, don't give your job up, he can suck it up or move out.

Springforward1 · 05/11/2023 13:00

As other posters have already said he sounds very insecure in general and jealous at the thought of you having a night out. I'd be having a serious chat. Is he happy in the marriage, loads to dicuss IMO.