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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
Mookie81 · 05/11/2023 11:10

RockGirl · 05/11/2023 10:53

If you leave him and share custody, he will have to be responsible for 50% of the childcare. I wonder what he thinks of that?

Unfortunately he won't. He'll be made to pay, but if he doesn't want equal custody OP will have them most, if not all the time.

Mookie81 · 05/11/2023 11:11

And considering he complains about the bare minimum childcare, he won't pick up 50% of it!

muchalover · 05/11/2023 11:13

Realistically the marriage is over because your eyes are fully open. You can't put the genie back in the bottle 🧞‍♀️

The rest is just time.

Comtesse · 05/11/2023 11:14

this is a hill I would die on - he is being deeply unreasonable and very entitled, especially if it’s a 50/50 income split between you.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 05/11/2023 11:15

YANBU I would understand if he was needing to change his hours or have time off regularly but he’s not.

He’s annoyed that he’s going to have to pick up some of the slack.

I’d also be worried that he doesn’t like you having a life of your own.

Make sure you go to this Xmas party, even if it means paying out for a taxi for your mum or anything else.

Then make sure you start going out more.

Most partners would encourage their partners going out/getting a new job and trying to make it as less stressful as possible for them.

I’d be really concerned about this behaviour.

Holidayhell22 · 05/11/2023 11:15

I don’t have anything else to add to what others have said. He is a selfish prick.
Don’t stop working and maybe point out exactly how many hours free time he has each week.

Nicole1111 · 05/11/2023 11:17

IfKipling · 05/11/2023 11:08

The man does not know how to have a relationship. A relationship is reciprocal, respectful and mutually supportive. He is capable only of taking and not giving back. Do not give up that job. He doesn’t hate your job by the way, he hates taking his own responsibility for his own family.

This this this ☝🏻
Tell him he’d have to take a lot more responsibility if you separated

Jl2014 · 05/11/2023 11:19

He a selfish twat that wants a skivvy, not a wife. DO NOT compromise a job you enjoy for this man.

Timspam · 05/11/2023 11:20

Looking at this from a different angle, my part will not work not even part time, after a few redundancy's my salary is now less than it was ten years ago, I'm under so much pressure now it's making me poorly. My point being, I'd love to be with someone like you, I think he needs to think how fortunate he is to have you.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 05/11/2023 11:21

If this were me I'd not bring it up again and just book a taxi.

Under no circumstances cancel this event!

This will make it clear that no, you won't be going back to your old job where his every want was facilitated.

What happens long term is another matter, but I'd get this event out of the way and see how things go around that once it's clear to him that you won't be agreeing to his ridiculous demands.

Branleuse · 05/11/2023 11:24

The issue is that he wants a little stay at home wife to serve him, but he can neither afford that, nor does the wife want that.
I think I'd want to unpack why he seems to think his double standards are ok.
I think there is a bigger picture here.

Nanny0gg · 05/11/2023 11:25

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:49

Thank you for the replies.

Salary wise we are about equal, but his is a combination of overtime and shift pay where as mine is basic plus bonus etc. but overall not much in it at all.

I think some of my frustration is that I never get time to myself. I was due to go for lunch with a friend recently and I had to cancel because he had to go on a course which involved staying away and he wanted to leave at lunch time. If I had said that there would have been a while argument about how I put work first.

I just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.

So what are you going to do about it?

Because living like that isn't sustainable

potatoheads · 05/11/2023 11:28

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:49

Thank you for the replies.

Salary wise we are about equal, but his is a combination of overtime and shift pay where as mine is basic plus bonus etc. but overall not much in it at all.

I think some of my frustration is that I never get time to myself. I was due to go for lunch with a friend recently and I had to cancel because he had to go on a course which involved staying away and he wanted to leave at lunch time. If I had said that there would have been a while argument about how I put work first.

I just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.

So he puts work first but will make it into a tirade about you putting work first. You know he's an arse don't you?

Namechange4234 · 05/11/2023 11:28

For the Christmas do, can't your Mum have the children at hers and either SHE takes them/picks them up from / to school or you ask a friend to do that

mommatoone · 05/11/2023 11:31

' I just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.'

That paragraph is all you need to know OP. Thats exactly what he wants. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!. Selfish bastard he is.

Cosywintertime · 05/11/2023 11:31

that level of selfishness would give me the ick. Please stick to your guns op and have a life, don’t let him bully you into being his personal domestic assistant,

Bluegeeen · 05/11/2023 11:32

It’s not just the behaviour, it’s what the behaviour means - you’re not as important as him, your life and fulfilment doesn’t have value, he doesn’t want those things for you. It’s childish, essentially. The (unjustified) resentment has turned into dislike, as a PP said. And disrespect.

Sounds like you need to have a serious chat with him at least, and perhaps get some individual counselling to think about your feelings about this relationship. Is this how you want to live?

BoohooWoohoo · 05/11/2023 11:35

He's being unreasonable.

He doesn't like your job because he has to do some parenting wtaf He's a shift worker which by definition has an effect on family life yet feels threatened by you being happier and progressing which are massive red flags.

ElleCapitaine · 05/11/2023 11:35

He doesn’t see you as an equal partner. He sees you as personal assistant - there to facilitate his life, and anything that doesn’t contribute to that is an insult to him. He really is the star of his own show, isn’t he? Prick.

AmazingSnakeHead · 05/11/2023 11:36

He's a fucking arsehole. He doesn't want a real life companion, he wants a wife to keep at home and serve him. But he can't afford to actually support that, and he's chosen someone who doesn't want that lifestyle. So he thinks he can just impose it on you anyway. Why on earth shouldn't he look after his own children on a day that he works? He's a nasty little man, and yes, this is the hill that my relationship would die on. Ask him how he will cope when he had to do 50% without you or your mum to help.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 05/11/2023 11:37

he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

My eldest is 10. Remind me what it's like not having to do anything else on working days again...

Aurasauras · 05/11/2023 11:37

He’s being controlling. Next it will be he doesn’t like your friends, or the way you dress etc. stand up for yourself. You are an adult and you decide where you are going, not him. Some battles are worth fighting.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 05/11/2023 11:38

I'll notice, too, that he's not even suggesting you stop work and be a SAHM so he's in charge of earning and you're in charge of everything else. He wants you to earn but he also wants you to arrange life so that he never has any other demands.

But you know this.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 05/11/2023 11:38

OP, your husband is a selfish arsehole. Only his job, his recreation, his needs count.

But I think you know that.

YANBU

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 05/11/2023 11:39

You need to put your foot down more with this cunt.

And if he doesn’t like it, divorce him.