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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 07/11/2023 19:44

Tamrastarr · 07/11/2023 12:50

My OH was like this. I always worked in an office based professional role and he worked for himself. I still did a lot of drop offs but he mostly picked up. But he would always expect me to take time off for any children's appointments, school issues or illness and he would massively guilt trip me if I had to work. He made my life a misery if I wanted to go out, work or fun, and I had to give him weeks' notice and write it on a blackboard in advance. If I didn't again, my life would be made a misery. I worked 4 days a week and he always bugged me to go down to three. If I did three, he would want two. Our children are grown but he still hates me working, however, I don't care anymore. Don't be like me xx

What's stopping you from changing your life?

T1Dmama · 08/11/2023 06:28

What a controlling selfish prick!
can the older child get a lift with a friend to school?

mid tell him that if he’s not willing to run mum and youngest places then she’ll keep him there all day and ‘try to keep him quiet!’

im wondering why you’re with this selfish prick to be honest. What do you get out of this relationship? Do you get to do a hobby every week?? Go out with your mates? I bet you don’t!

paulthepython · 08/11/2023 08:05

You need to sit down and map put the distribution of not just the childcare but the associated mental load. You could get a job in an office full time and then you wouldn't be flexible at all...or, if he has an issue, then he could get a flexible wfh post and do what you've been doing over the last however many years in terms of those responsibilities. I'd also find something to do for yourself the same amount of away time as him. Maybe a regular appointment on a Saturday morning (or Sunday, whichever isn't the football) so he gets the same time with the kids.

artsperson · 08/11/2023 09:39

Find a good feminist solicitor specialising in divorce.

NIClaire · 08/11/2023 12:02

Wow, why do you stay with such a selfish asshole? How do you even find him attractive after he's constantly treating you like an unpaid maid? And if you dare to have a life outside the house he throws a hissy fit like a toddler.

You're a bit the asshole too though for allowing this behaviour to carry on. You should have nipped it in the bud the very first time he said something. You are also allowing your children to grow up thinking this is a normal way for a husband to treat his wife. Not a great role model.

You need to sit him down, and tell him you will not stand for his awful behaviour any further, agree to couples therapy, or he's out of the house. If he wanted to marry a 50s housewife, he should have been up front from the beginning.

I hope you build up the courage to escape.

runsmidgeOMG · 08/11/2023 12:24

Oh OP, I’m sorry
it’s his lack of inflexibility that’s bugging me. So I’m a night worker but when you have children certain sacrifices need to me made to your sleep allowance (and sometimes your sanity!) I’m constantly waking up earlier for school runs or clubs/ social activities so my DD doesn’t miss out. I don’t see how he can badge his work as protected whilst obviously feeling yours shouldn’t be?

that’s the problem here. He wants to get up and go to work without further responsibilities and that to me shows a lack of respect when you should be working as a team :(
No advice other than a team pep talk about both pulling your weight as parents I feel (aimed at him… you do your fair share already)

RunMum33 · 08/11/2023 13:27

This sounds a lot like my ex husband and it ended in divorce. I am so much happier now. Sending a massive hug and lots of strength.

Mamagill67 · 08/11/2023 14:23

Sorry but he’s being really selfish. Especially if he goes out and does what he wants when he wants

pinkyredrose · 08/11/2023 14:36

Chris002 · 07/11/2023 10:44

I used to work night shifts - it is very tiring. I guess WFH office workers with very flexible employers don't understand this I wouldn't expect them to!
A bit more give and take in both sides and you will work this out. It sounds like Dh is trying to tell you that he would like some attention in the relationship and you are allowing work to dominate your home life. Some Men aren't very good at articulating what they want without getting annoyed.
Is this work trip essential? If it is, then tell him you have to go or you will get the sack and then there would be only one income !
It is a one time event and he will just have to put up with it.
If it isn't essential then explain to your employers that you won't be attending due to child care issues I am sure they would be ok as you say they are very good about childcare generally!
Have you heard the saying there is no I in team ?
Your family is your 'team' and you all have to be team players in order for it to work,
In this situation You are expecting your husband and your mum and your children to fit in with you so you have to weigh up whether it is essential or not.
If it absolutely essential and job depends on it then explain this to your husband.
If it isn't, then don't go !
Also I guess you do the late working when your husband is at work on nights.
Maybe you can have a couple of evenings when he is not working when you can log off early ( you can do it for swimming) and cook dinner and sit down and have a family meal and may be an evening watching TV together or what ever you like to do as a couple when the kids are in bed.

Hahahahaha.

Orangello · 08/11/2023 15:27

If it isn't, then don't go !

Does that apply to husband's football and days out too, for which OP is very much expected to provide childcare, not just 10 min drop off?

GirlyHR · 09/11/2023 08:04

I'd sit down and talk to him about why he feels like this. It's really hard not to get into an argument but you should try. Ask him how he'd feel if you started refusing to look after the children when he went out with his friends. They're his children and as much his responsibility as yours. Tell him you are much happier in the new job and you have no intention of going back (your happiness in work is important), so you need to work out the root cause of the problem and fix it together.

Madamum18 · 09/11/2023 17:33

GirlyHR · 09/11/2023 08:04

I'd sit down and talk to him about why he feels like this. It's really hard not to get into an argument but you should try. Ask him how he'd feel if you started refusing to look after the children when he went out with his friends. They're his children and as much his responsibility as yours. Tell him you are much happier in the new job and you have no intention of going back (your happiness in work is important), so you need to work out the root cause of the problem and fix it together.

Wised advice GirlyHR :)

cracktheshutters · 10/11/2023 11:54

He doesn’t not trust your DM, he’s just p*ssed off that you’ve made him actually do something. Why have you let this man take you for granted so much? If he’s on night shift why can he not do school pick ups so you can actually have a lunch break? There’s one person who sounds lazy in this relationship and it isn’t you OP. Raise your standards! Unless you want to be this man’s skivvy until death do you part?

Possumzilla · 10/11/2023 20:18

Your husband resents your happiness and success. This doesn't sound like a man who is supporting you at all

Possumzilla · 10/11/2023 20:24

This is not a healthy arrangement. Him screaming at you that you're lazy because he didn't have clean socks. Whew.

Imagine your friend describing their partner behaving like this towards them. What would you tell them?

SkySecret · 10/11/2023 21:26

This week I was slightly behind on ghe washing and he ran out of socks and the argument was terrible about how I'm lazy and don't do anything

WOW. The day a man dares to call me lazy because I haven’t washed HIS socks is the day he’s walking barefoot out of my life.

This guy sounds abusive and narcissistic. Get rid.

ThriceInALifetime · 28/11/2023 21:10

OP I was reading back on this, hope you haven't cancelled your work day out. If you split up he would need to watch the kids.

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