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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who pays for the pizza?

209 replies

limefrog · 05/11/2023 03:12

Me and DH hosted a few friends for fireworks last night and ordered takeaway pizza. This was part of the invite message we sent out, we said we'd be ordering pizza just before the fireworks.

My DH thinks that we should ask everyone who had pizza to pay for it.

I think that as we are hosting and they are our guests we should pay - we can afford it and it's not a very regular occurrence that we host things like this, so I just see it as treating our friends. Most of them brought some wine or cake etc to contribute anyway.

AIBU?

Or is my husband?

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 05/11/2023 18:06

Our friend group almost always meets at one friend's house as they love to host, don't like to go out, and have a big house designed for hosting. But that doesn't mean we expect them to always pay for everyone's food. We always chip in. I think when an order is put in when everyone is there and everyone is choosing their own food - that does imply an intention to share costs. I would never think host friends would be on the hook for everyone's food all the time because we go to their house the most.
I feel like in an established friend group you should 1) kind of know who pays or how costs get shared and 2) to able to talk about this stuff without it being a big deal.

Original poster
limefrog · 05/11/2023 18:36

WelshNerd · 05/11/2023 15:48

How old are you? Splitting costs was normal in my twenties but I would pay for everyone these days.

I think this is exactly it - we're in our 30's/40's - we talked about it again today and I said we would have split in our twenties, but it's not really the norm anymore for people our age who have decent incomes.

I also pointed out that we never pay for takeaway when we go to other people's houses (we don't do it much in this group but we do go round to other friends' / family places sometimes and have never been asked for money).

He saw my side of it then and did agree, so we are now on the same page. He said he thinks he was still stuck in the way he did it in his twenties but can see it's not the same anymore so needs to adjust.

It turned out that our other friend didn't actually pay yet, they just asked for bank details to do a transfer, so we were able to message to tell her not to.

So we're all good now! 🙌

Thanks for the comments everyone, it definitely helped validate my view that it is so unanimous!

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 05/11/2023 19:50

I think you pay unless someone went excessive in terms of what they ordered in which case if they offered to pay it might be reasonable to accept.
I do think that think though that if the host pays they get to keep the leftovers. I did think it a bit cheeky when my guest took half of her pizza home with her but at the same time I guess it would have been acceptable for her to eat it all that night so why should it matter when they have it but I was eyeing it up for breakfast.

Ibizafun · 05/11/2023 21:10

Wonderfulz · 05/11/2023 04:35

We will be ordering pizza is not an invite to pay for pizza, it’s a statement about how you’re feeding everyone.

100% this. Does he expect people to pay for a cuppa when they come in?!

ExTheCheater · 05/11/2023 22:51

You definitely pay if you were hosting.

Mumtoawarrior · 06/11/2023 17:43

You can't ask them to pay now 🤣🤣🤣

Underestimated4 · 06/11/2023 18:04

If you invite someone for food; takeaway or not I’d say you should pay if it’s a planned invite.

Mama1209 · 06/11/2023 18:04

The fact you put it on the invite means you were providing food. They brought wine and other bits of food. If you tried to ask for money now you would loose your friends. Under no circumstances is it ok to ask for money after the event! Fair enough if you mentioned to them when they got there oh does anyone want to chip in for pizza, but u specifically said it on the invite and made people think you were providing it

Noodles1234 · 06/11/2023 18:06

If you said
“come over for fireworks, if you want to order pizza we can all order some together”
or
”come over for fireworks and I will sort out pizza, maybe if you can bring a pudding or wine”
or
”cone round for fireworks, I’ll put some pizzas in the oven, bring nibbles if you’d like”

i find all suggestions fine, but you need to be clear. I would probably buy pizzas and cook them myself over takeaway and then I would offer all for free.

Zerosleep · 06/11/2023 18:56

You hosted and said you would be ordering pizza, by the way in which others bought wine or cake, they clearly thought you were providing the pizza as hosts. Can’t imagine why your husband would want to start asking people for money, so mean and a great way to lose friends.

You are in the right OP.

nickelbabe · 06/11/2023 19:01

If the invitation stated you were ordering pizza and you made no request for payment (or the idea to bring an alternative), then you, as hosts, pay.
if you want people to chip in, you ask when you invite them. "We were thinking of getting pizza to share, if you can afford it. If not, would you be able to bring a plate/dish/drink/pudding to share?"

If guests decide to give you money towards the pizza when they come, then obvs don't refuse it. But if money hasn't been mentioned when invited, then it's all on you.

Fionaville · 06/11/2023 19:05

You don't invite people round and tell them what they will be paying for, as in "We'll be ordering pizza"
If you want them to pay for themselves, you'd say something like "We're thinking of getting ourselves a take away, if anybody else fancies doing that" Not tell them that they are having pizza and expect them to pay!

Jcf1977 · 06/11/2023 19:25

uh oh, awks! I would absolutely offer to chip in for a takeaway and wouldn’t be bothered either way if it’s refused or accepted. In this situation where others can’t host, it’s a nice way for you to feel able to host more often without the burden always being on you and tbh splitting takeaways at others houses has become more normal since covid for us. Too late to fix anything now, hope they don’t exchange notes on the evenings cash situation and move on. Next time just say, come over, we can split a takeaway or bring a dish whatever you prefer. And you and your DH need to be on the same page beforehand!

BarbedButterfly · 06/11/2023 19:27

Well we all pay for our own but key thing is that we agree in advance and always take extras when we go to friends. In this case I would pay

AllyArty · 06/11/2023 19:30

I think ur right and yr DH is wrong

CornishGem1975 · 06/11/2023 19:48

You are right OP

frenchfancy81 · 06/11/2023 19:50

Hosts pay for the pizza in this instance, in my opinion.

Casperroonie · 06/11/2023 20:12

No please dont ask for money!!!!

If anything, he should take this as a lesson and make it clear next time as it sounded like it was on you.

It'll be social death if you go around asking for money now. Eeek.

Jeannie88 · 06/11/2023 20:23

If hosting we pay and then when our friends are hosting they do the same. Just etiquette, no you're guests in our house so we provide the food and drinks. Usually expect bottles of wine to be brought along but no big deal if not, we are prepared xx

Caroparo52 · 06/11/2023 20:32

Absolutely you pay for the pizza. Yes try to repay the money in a jokey way but not make a big fuss

Ilovecleaning · 06/11/2023 21:24

Your DH is a tight bastard.

Bigbirthdaycomingup · 06/11/2023 21:32

I'm glad it's all resolved OP.

I know this is more of a misunderstanding and your DH isn't tight but this thread brought back memories which made me shudder.

I once lived with a very tight boyfriend. We frequently went to his well off friends for dinner who were great hosts. He had a couple of friends who always seemed to pick up the bill despite my very loud protests.

When we moved in together (actually I moved into his apartment owned by his parents that he laid no rent on but I later discovered charged me MORE rent than his previous tenant) I organised a dinner party for my own friends. I was cheerfully planning the menu and putting together shopping list when I noticed he was getting more and more moody. I was paying for everything for the evening which was fine with me. He walked around the supermarket clearly seething. I asked him what was wrong when he snapped that I needed to charge my friends a tenner contribution to attend.

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 06/11/2023 21:33

limefrog · 05/11/2023 03:12

Me and DH hosted a few friends for fireworks last night and ordered takeaway pizza. This was part of the invite message we sent out, we said we'd be ordering pizza just before the fireworks.

My DH thinks that we should ask everyone who had pizza to pay for it.

I think that as we are hosting and they are our guests we should pay - we can afford it and it's not a very regular occurrence that we host things like this, so I just see it as treating our friends. Most of them brought some wine or cake etc to contribute anyway.

AIBU?

Or is my husband?

If you host then yes you should pay. Unless money was tight but you said you could afford it

neighboursmustliveon · 06/11/2023 21:59

We usually split take away costs but we all know up front that is what we are doing. We only do it with our best friends and my brother and sister in law.

In OP’s case this sounds more like a party so hosts should pay. Especially as guests bought other contributions.

Pepsi2001 · 06/11/2023 22:12

Of course you should pay.

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