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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go out tonight?

197 replies

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 14:57

It’s my friend’s hen do. I know her through work, though we stopped working together a year ago. I don’t know anyone else going - a mutual friend pulled out.

The rest of the guests are her friends, her family, and her partner.

She wants to go to a sit down meal £70 per person, then potentially a bar afterwards. Her family doesn’t drink so it will be a dry night for all whilst they’re present.

I’ve just got home from travelling for work for 4 nights and just feel mentally exhausted with a low appetite for socialising with new people. My friend is going all out with her dress/hair/makeup and will be taking photos all night (understandably), whereas I can’t bring myself to get ready to that extent. Aibu?

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 18:06

PictureOfFlorianTray · 04/11/2023 17:47

Just feign a reason ( childcare, illness, whatever...)
Don't go.

Many's the time I've turned up to events to find myself 'the only work colleague,' 'the only hobby friend' and 'the only neighbour.'

It's soul destroying.

I honestly believe that socialising is becoming a no go zone. Sad but there it is. I'm nearly 60 if that helps. I've not liked forced get togethers for many years. It's probably just me.

However, I think you'd do well to extricate yourself from the wedding too. Then you won't need to see her again. If that's your intention.

Do you just sit at home on your own all the time?!

CirceIsMyHomegirl · 04/11/2023 18:07

Well done for getting your act together and deciding to go, if it's crap you can just go home at the first opportunity, but I think it's the right decision to go to the hen.

Monetm · 04/11/2023 18:08

PictureOfFlorianTray · 04/11/2023 17:47

Just feign a reason ( childcare, illness, whatever...)
Don't go.

Many's the time I've turned up to events to find myself 'the only work colleague,' 'the only hobby friend' and 'the only neighbour.'

It's soul destroying.

I honestly believe that socialising is becoming a no go zone. Sad but there it is. I'm nearly 60 if that helps. I've not liked forced get togethers for many years. It's probably just me.

However, I think you'd do well to extricate yourself from the wedding too. Then you won't need to see her again. If that's your intention.

I don’t personally agree that having to talk to new people is more soul destroying than having no social life.

Imagwine · 04/11/2023 18:08

I guess it boils down to whether it’s worth losing the friendship, or at the very least, it changing. How forgiving would she be?

I understand you wanting to pull out though.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 04/11/2023 18:09

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 18:03

Some posters are using this thread to project their own issues - your friends cancelling on you doesn’t make me horrible. This friend has cancelled on me last minute countless times and I haven’t ever done that - I’m not holding it against her but some of you seem to be projecting that resentment on me which is odd.

I would have gone mo questions, had it not been one thing after another this week. It has all been slap dash arranged last minute as the bride didn’t want a hen - some posters are acting like I signed a contract months in advance with the specifics laid out

for what it’s worth I went to Zara and bought a dress, I just won’t have much time to get ready.

It’s her hen do!
Not you’re average night out.

Stop being so shit and suck it up.

You don’t need to spend ages getting ready.
Just a bit of mascara and shove your hair up.
It’ll literally take 10mins max.

MissHoollie · 04/11/2023 18:10

Go you might enjoy it more than you think

CommonOrNot · 04/11/2023 18:12

Yabu. It’s horrible to pull out last minute. Especially for a hen do. Any friend of mine that did this wouldn’t be a friend much longer.

PS - drink if you want to? You’re an adult.

Stokey · 04/11/2023 18:13

It's an ex work colleague. Not like a really old I'd closer friend. I'd bail personally. No shame in not going if you really don't feel up to it. The people guilt tripping you are a bit intense.

FloraSpoke · 04/11/2023 18:14

As an introvert who finds mingling with new people difficult, I do understand how you feel OP. But, as others have said, it is unkind and antisocial to pull out at this stage, and it is only the meal that you have to attend- you can gracefully make your excuses if you don’t feel up to the bar afterwards. And who knows, you may end up enjoying the evening more than you currently expect! I met my DH at the leaving do of a mutual friend of ours that I very nearly didn’t attend. It was a Friday night and I was exhausted after a hard week when I had been away travelling for work. I thought to myself, ok I’ll show my face for an hour at the start, then make my excuses and head home. Met and got chatting to this handsome stranger 🤣, ended up exchanging phone numbers after dancing on the tables at 3 am! True story- and all I’d wanted to do that night was curl up on the sofa in my flat with a takeaway and glass of wine.

electriclight · 04/11/2023 18:15

I usually come onto these threads to say 'don't go' but this is her hen do, you're important enough to be invited to the wedding, and you must have known about it for ages. I think it's really poor form to pull out of a hen do on the day. All of your excuses are weak. If you are essentially saying that you don't see that much of her any more and don't care about her feelings, or whether the friendship survives, then don't go. But it's a shit thing to do.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 04/11/2023 18:16

I wouldn’t go, but then I wouldn’t have accepted in the first place, for an ex work colleague and who according to the drip feed has cancelled on OP a few times before.

TheKnittedCharacter · 04/11/2023 18:17

Hen nights are my idea of hell, so I'd be making an excuse.

But I wouldn't have done it last minute.

electriclight · 04/11/2023 18:17

Ah just seen your update. I hope you manage to have a nice time, and you're doing the right thing so will feel good about it all tomorrow.

willWillSmithsmith · 04/11/2023 18:18

I’m not very sociable nowadays but I really do think you should go for the meal. That’s going to be pretty low effort, no need to go to a bar afterwards though.

Isometimeswonder · 04/11/2023 18:18

It's a special evening for her. You've known about it for ages. You agreed to go. It's totally unfair to drop out.

Ludoole · 04/11/2023 18:20

I wouldn't go. Your tired and sounds like you have had a bad week so no. It's a hen do, her weddings the most important part, not tonight. Just my thoughts though. (Tbf I don't see the point of hen/stag do's either so may just be me).

SpringHexagon · 04/11/2023 18:22

You asked if YABU and are making excuses and pretty much arguing whenever anyone says that you're unreasonable, which I agree, you are. I am a very unsocial person, but there's no way I could bring myself to cancel at this late stage unless I was really unwell.

Starseeking · 04/11/2023 18:23

You're basically pulling out at the last minute because you're tired and can't be bothered with small talk. Presumably the trip you've returned from was known about before you accepted going?

You can obviously not go, but I would think about how you'd feel if that happened to you, especially as you said another friend has already dropped out, before making a final decision.

καλοκαλoκαιρι · 04/11/2023 18:23

HeadacheEarthquake · 04/11/2023 15:18

Her family doesn't drink so nobody else can while they're present? Good god I'd have to order a large glass of wine as soon as I sat down and if anyone said anything I'd be hard pushed not to laugh.

Her partner is there too? As in her fiancé/fiancée? This sounds really odd.

it’s obviously a dry restaurant, i highly doubt the op meant any more than that.

TedMullins · 04/11/2023 18:26

of course YANBU, loads of people have to cancel stuff on the day of the event. Life happens. Being exhausted is a valid excuse.

DGPP · 04/11/2023 18:27

You should go, absolutely awful to pull out of a hen do at the last minute. It’s a shit thing to do! Glad to see you’ve seen sense and are getting yourself ready. Hope you have fun

DGPP · 04/11/2023 18:27

Being tired is NOT a valid excuse if you value friendship

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/11/2023 18:29

‘I don’t feel at all well and I’m worried in case it’s COVID.’

Guesswho88 · 04/11/2023 18:39

It's your call I'd say. 50/50. If there's a lot of people going I wouldn't feel bad...if there isn't however your presence would probably mean a lot to your friend.

Wishimaywishimight · 04/11/2023 18:43

Surely the Covid excuse has had its day? I roll my eyes when I hear this!

OP go or don't go, you don't need strangers to validate your decision.