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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go out tonight?

197 replies

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 14:57

It’s my friend’s hen do. I know her through work, though we stopped working together a year ago. I don’t know anyone else going - a mutual friend pulled out.

The rest of the guests are her friends, her family, and her partner.

She wants to go to a sit down meal £70 per person, then potentially a bar afterwards. Her family doesn’t drink so it will be a dry night for all whilst they’re present.

I’ve just got home from travelling for work for 4 nights and just feel mentally exhausted with a low appetite for socialising with new people. My friend is going all out with her dress/hair/makeup and will be taking photos all night (understandably), whereas I can’t bring myself to get ready to that extent. Aibu?

OP posts:
nightnurse82 · 04/11/2023 16:58

@halloweenn
If you don't have an outfit planned at least the day before then you were never planning on going anyway. Why didn't you just let your 'friend' know with plenty of notice.

JingleBellsBatman · 04/11/2023 16:58

"I don’t really see how being physically present but not engaged is any better though. Someone showing up for the sake of it but clearly not wanting to be there or clock watching is likely upsetting too"

Then put the bloody effort in!

Original poster
halloweenn · 04/11/2023 16:58

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 16:44

I don’t really see how being physically present but not engaged is any better though. Someone showing up for the sake of it but clearly not wanting to be there or clock watching is likely upsetting too

So don't do that. Get ready, make an effort, go home early, after meal & maybe 1 drink afterwards.

Why would you be so rude as to either clock watch or make it clear you don't want to be there?

It is not intentional is it? I’m only human - I’m running off no sleep, days of no sleeping/barely eating and general stress. When you’re exhausted you’re never going to be in an ideal mood to socialise with new people. You act like it is a mere switch to flick on or off

OP posts:
WeighDownOnMe · 04/11/2023 16:58

It sounds a bit expensive and maybe not what you would choose.

But - I think it's really really lame to pull out on the day. Any excuse you come up with will be so transparently a lie.

lap90 · 04/11/2023 17:00

I mean, of course you don't have to go but you sound a bit flaky cancelling an evening dinner, on the day, late afternoon, when you knew what the deal is with not knowing anyone and that you'd just be back from travelling.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 17:02

You act like it is a mere switch to flick on or off

Yes. I do.

I'm sorry you are tired, but you knew this was coming up.

I've been absolutely exhausted on many occasions (single parent, full time work, very busy kids). You do just 'flick the switch' for the time it takes, and get on with it.

You don't have to stay out late but it's just not nice to cancel at this point.

LoobyDop · 04/11/2023 17:02

This is why there are so many threads about nobody turning up to the OP’s night out or party. Part of being friends with someone is that you show up for them. Literally, in person. Even if you don’t feel like it- you turn up and you smile and you say nice things, and your reward is that you can see that the person you presumably care about and want to be happy feels loved. Why do so many people have such shit social skills? I’m not wildly extraverted, but I’m capable of making an effort for the sake of being part of a community. It matters. The loss of it is the reason so many people are depressed and isolated these days.

WeighDownOnMe · 04/11/2023 17:03

All that's fine @halloweenn but you agreed to go! If you're knackered what's one more evening?

Plaster on a smile, head home by 10, have a long lie, and feel good that you did the right thing by your friend.

PurpleSky09 · 04/11/2023 17:03

I think you should go. It’s poor form to cancel now, and you might enjoy yourself!

Mrsjayy · 04/11/2023 17:05

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 16:36

I don’t really see how being physically present but not engaged is any better though. Someone showing up for the sake of it but clearly not wanting to be there or clock watching is likely upsetting too

Show quote history

Why would you not be engaged ? Is it really difficult to say how lovely the meal is how you are looking forward to the wedding. Hi I'm Halloween pleased to meet you all that is engaging. If you can't manage that don't go you have had enough posters tell you "it's fine" .

Gowlett · 04/11/2023 17:08

70 quid? No drink? I can see why you’re bailing…

nightnurse82 · 04/11/2023 17:09

LoobyDop · 04/11/2023 17:02

This is why there are so many threads about nobody turning up to the OP’s night out or party. Part of being friends with someone is that you show up for them. Literally, in person. Even if you don’t feel like it- you turn up and you smile and you say nice things, and your reward is that you can see that the person you presumably care about and want to be happy feels loved. Why do so many people have such shit social skills? I’m not wildly extraverted, but I’m capable of making an effort for the sake of being part of a community. It matters. The loss of it is the reason so many people are depressed and isolated these days.

Exactly this 👏🏻 I wouldn't ever dream of cancelling a planned day/night on any of my friends. There are times when the day has come and i really haven't felt like it but it wouldn't even enter my head to cancel. I go,
show up and grit and bare it.

itsallnewnow · 04/11/2023 17:09

You sound horrible, you clearly don't care about her so why go to the wedding?
Loads of people did this to my friend for her hen do it was awful, all shit excuses, she was crushed. She's lovely and jt was very low key there was no need for it.

nightnurse82 · 04/11/2023 17:09

Gowlett · 04/11/2023 17:08

70 quid? No drink? I can see why you’re bailing…

But she must have knew this when she agreed.

43ontherocksporfavor · 04/11/2023 17:10

So many times I’ve got home knackered and wanted to sink into the sofa but after a shower etc you get past it.

margotrose · 04/11/2023 17:12

When you’re exhausted you’re never going to be in an ideal mood to socialise with new people. You act like it is a mere switch to flick on or off

Well, it is really. Sometimes you just have to suck it, smile and get on with it - because it's not just about you.

I get it. It's shit when you're tired and just want to curl up on the sofa but this has been in your diary for ages, and it's not kind to ditch your friends at the last minute because you can't be bothered.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 04/11/2023 17:12

I guess you knew you didn't fancy going before today so why didn't you just let her know before?

GigiAnnna · 04/11/2023 17:21

I wouldn't go. If it was a close mate I'd force myself to go but not for someone I didn't really see anymore if I was exhausted.

LaurieStrode · 04/11/2023 17:21

People are bonkers. Pull out and don't give it another thought.

No one is going to die because there were two fewer people at her hen do. It sounds like a VERY unappealing evening and you've had a rough week.

Itsjustagoogleaway · 04/11/2023 17:23

You don’t want to go.
Youve been away with work all week and are exhausted
If she’s a good friend she’ll understand.

LaurieStrode · 04/11/2023 17:23

LoobyDop · 04/11/2023 17:02

This is why there are so many threads about nobody turning up to the OP’s night out or party. Part of being friends with someone is that you show up for them. Literally, in person. Even if you don’t feel like it- you turn up and you smile and you say nice things, and your reward is that you can see that the person you presumably care about and want to be happy feels loved. Why do so many people have such shit social skills? I’m not wildly extraverted, but I’m capable of making an effort for the sake of being part of a community. It matters. The loss of it is the reason so many people are depressed and isolated these days.

And part of being a friend is to not plan expensive, crap, self-centered events that no one really wants to attend.

These exaggerated, inflated "me, me, ME!" wedding-related events are such a massive turnoff. Nothing is planned with guest pleasure in mind, just how much can the bride-to-be be aggrandized and how much spending, time and energy can she milk from her friends... it's so obnoxious.

OP, I hope you canceled and are lounging around regrouping from your travels.

Floofydawg · 04/11/2023 17:24

Why can you not drink just because the family aren't? Sounds shit. I wouldn't go.

Mrsjayy · 04/11/2023 17:25

If you didn't want to go after the mutual friend dropped out why didn't you just cancel sooner

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 04/11/2023 17:25

Id go and just come home early. Pulling out so late just cause you can't be bothered is rude imo.

WeighDownOnMe · 04/11/2023 17:25

@LaurieStrode it's literally dinner!

Not a week in Ayia Napa.