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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go out tonight?

197 replies

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 14:57

It’s my friend’s hen do. I know her through work, though we stopped working together a year ago. I don’t know anyone else going - a mutual friend pulled out.

The rest of the guests are her friends, her family, and her partner.

She wants to go to a sit down meal £70 per person, then potentially a bar afterwards. Her family doesn’t drink so it will be a dry night for all whilst they’re present.

I’ve just got home from travelling for work for 4 nights and just feel mentally exhausted with a low appetite for socialising with new people. My friend is going all out with her dress/hair/makeup and will be taking photos all night (understandably), whereas I can’t bring myself to get ready to that extent. Aibu?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 04/11/2023 15:00

Fuck that, although I'd have never agreed to go to begin with.

Assuming she won't be out of pocket, send your apologies now and put it out of your mind.

**Fib about having covid if you must

VeridicalVagabond · 04/11/2023 15:00

If you don't want to go, don't go. Your reasons for not wanting to are valid.

Pretty poor form to pull out last minute though, presumably you've known a while what the plan was, and that you'd be just back from a trip on the day?

whitebreadjamsandwich · 04/11/2023 15:03

She's already had one person pull out....don't be another....or one of many others....go for the meal at least and be a friend

Fionaville · 04/11/2023 15:04

Don't go. It sounds shit. Make an excuse and enjoy the relief of not having to go! It's one of my favourite feelings 😆

Theeternalrocksbeneath · 04/11/2023 15:05

I think it’s quite poor to pull out at the last minute. You’ve presumably known about this for a while and to cancel on the day of the hen do really is unfair to your friend.

At the very least you should go to the meal and then go home when they all go to the bar.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 04/11/2023 15:05

How good a friend is she? If she is a very close valued friend then I would suck it up and go for her. Make an excuse to leave early, but show your face.

If just a run of the mill friendship and she has much closer friends who are guarded to go then I think dropping out won’t be such a big issue.

It is fairly poor form, but as someone who gets a very low social battery myself I know the feeling you describe….and it hard to work through it.

m Will anyone be out of pocket?
are others likely to drop out too?

Original poster
halloweenn · 04/11/2023 15:09

I don’t know anyone else going to know if they drop out, I assume I’ll need to pay the £70 per person fee. But that’s going to be cheaper than actually going out

OP posts:
Original poster
halloweenn · 04/11/2023 15:12

I’m invited to the wedding, she isn’t a close friend but we got along when we worked together! I don’t see her as often now, in the last year I’ve seen her 3 times

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 04/11/2023 15:12

Go for the meal you know the bride I'm sure everyone else will make the effort to speak to you. Why did the mutual friend pull out?

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 04/11/2023 15:13

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 15:12

I’m invited to the wedding, she isn’t a close friend but we got along when we worked together! I don’t see her as often now, in the last year I’ve seen her 3 times

If you’re not that close then drop out of tonight. Just be prepared that she might be upset/annoyed and be a lot less bothered by you in future too.

If that’s not a problem then drop out. If you’d be upset at the lost friendship then just go.

Doggymummar · 04/11/2023 15:13

I wouldn't go. Weekends are precious

Ollifer · 04/11/2023 15:14

It's pretty shit to pull out on the day without a good reason in my opinion, so I'd offer to pay the deposit for your place or whatever it is

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 04/11/2023 15:14

Don't go if you don't want to, it sounds shit. I wouldn't have said yes in the first place though.

nightnurse82 · 04/11/2023 15:16

YABU. It's happening in a couple of hours, you can pull out now. Should have never agreed to it or at least let her know at the beginning of the week.

nightnurse82 · 04/11/2023 15:16

nightnurse82 · 04/11/2023 15:16

YABU. It's happening in a couple of hours, you can pull out now. Should have never agreed to it or at least let her know at the beginning of the week.

Can't not can

margotrose · 04/11/2023 15:17

YABVU.

It's really shitty to drop out at the last minute just because you can't be bothered.

HeadacheEarthquake · 04/11/2023 15:18

Her family doesn't drink so nobody else can while they're present? Good god I'd have to order a large glass of wine as soon as I sat down and if anyone said anything I'd be hard pushed not to laugh.

Her partner is there too? As in her fiancé/fiancée? This sounds really odd.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 15:18

Pretty poor form to pull out last minute though, presumably you've known a while what the plan was, and that you'd be just back from a trip on the day?

This

Really unfair to drop out now. Get ready, head out, go home early if you wish.

JVC24601 · 04/11/2023 15:19

Go to the meal then home if you want. You don’t have to stay for the whole thing, but it’d be pretty shitty to be another drop out so late in the game- especially as your other mutual friend has already dropped out, so she may think you only wanted to go to see the friend, not her.

Bit nasty that a lot of people here are saying it “sounds shit” though- a meal and drinks after? Why is that shit? Because they’re not getting pissed when the food comes out?

ItsThatTimeAgainXmas · 04/11/2023 15:19

If you intend to go to the wedding I would go, sit next to someone who seems friendly, have a bit of a chat, a nice meal and then fuck off home when you see an opportunity. Poor bride.

Zanatdy · 04/11/2023 15:22

Agree it’s a bit crappy to pull out this late in the day. I know how you feel as I’d probably feel
the same, but just say you’re going straight home after the meal as you’re knackered from
travelling

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 04/11/2023 15:25

Yes you are being unreasonable to be considering pulling out so late in the day. You must have known you'd be tired from work when you agreed to go. Very poor form.

jennylamb1 · 04/11/2023 15:25

I would go as it would be a bit crappy to pull out at this late stage, it's obviously a big thing for her, however agree that you can politely bow out after the meal explaining that you've had a full on week.

Original poster
halloweenn · 04/11/2023 15:27

margotrose · 04/11/2023 15:17

YABVU.

It's really shitty to drop out at the last minute just because you can't be bothered.

What’s the alternative? I doubt she’d want me there being a downer, how do I quickly muster up energy to socialise?

Her family doesn’t drink for religious reasons and I believe the restaurant doesn’t serve alcohol either. Mutual friend and I were going to meet up beforehand and have a drink.

Also I don’t have a good outfit to wear, it’s not really an occasion I can chuck something on. She’s wearing a stunning dress, I’ll need to buy something

OP posts:
WednesdaysChild50 · 04/11/2023 15:29

If you’re not feeling it don’t go.