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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go out tonight?

197 replies

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 14:57

It’s my friend’s hen do. I know her through work, though we stopped working together a year ago. I don’t know anyone else going - a mutual friend pulled out.

The rest of the guests are her friends, her family, and her partner.

She wants to go to a sit down meal £70 per person, then potentially a bar afterwards. Her family doesn’t drink so it will be a dry night for all whilst they’re present.

I’ve just got home from travelling for work for 4 nights and just feel mentally exhausted with a low appetite for socialising with new people. My friend is going all out with her dress/hair/makeup and will be taking photos all night (understandably), whereas I can’t bring myself to get ready to that extent. Aibu?

OP posts:
MsMcGonagall · 04/11/2023 15:59

You need to eat dinner, so it might as well be there...

Not drinking keeps the cost to £70...

Just wear something, anything that isn't a hoody - this night isn't about you

Just go in listening mode - ask the people next to you lots of questions about themselves/ their lives, sit back and enjoy

Make your excuses after the meal...

JamSandle · 04/11/2023 16:02

You can blame Covid or say you've got a bug.

Mrsjayy · 04/11/2023 16:03

Make sure you are definitely going to go to the wedding will that also be dry ? You might need to fuel if you go.

Nodsmileandbiteyourtongue · 04/11/2023 16:03

Go for the meal, have a drink before you go if you can and it will help.

I understand your reasons but it would be really shitty to drop out now.

funinthesun19 · 04/11/2023 16:04

I hope she’s happy with her partner going, and she’s not just allowing to go because he’s insecure/controlling/has to tag along to everything she does etc..

SplendidUtterly · 04/11/2023 16:22

JamSandle · 04/11/2023 16:02

You can blame Covid or say you've got a bug.

I'd do this.

Sidebeforeself · 04/11/2023 16:25

You’re just making excuses. Don’t let your friend down. It’s hurts when people do that

NeedToChangeName · 04/11/2023 16:31

I think it's appalling that so many people are encouraging you to bail out at this late stage. You said you would go, so you should

On here, people post about parties where guests don't show up, how upsetting it is

Strawberryfieldsforeverrr · 04/11/2023 16:36

Just drive, eat the meal that you'll have yo pay for anyway, and drive home.
I'd much rather do that than listen to load of old drunks ramble on anyway, sounds lovely

Original poster
halloweenn · 04/11/2023 16:36

NeedToChangeName · 04/11/2023 16:31

I think it's appalling that so many people are encouraging you to bail out at this late stage. You said you would go, so you should

On here, people post about parties where guests don't show up, how upsetting it is

I don’t really see how being physically present but not engaged is any better though. Someone showing up for the sake of it but clearly not wanting to be there or clock watching is likely upsetting too

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 04/11/2023 16:42

Ignore those muppets trying to guilt you into going. Don't go. I don't do anything or go anywhere I don't want to. Get your cosies on and watch a movie.

Freysimo · 04/11/2023 16:43

How many's going? Honestly, will you be missed? Don't go if you're not up to it.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 16:44

I don’t really see how being physically present but not engaged is any better though. Someone showing up for the sake of it but clearly not wanting to be there or clock watching is likely upsetting too

So don't do that. Get ready, make an effort, go home early, after meal & maybe 1 drink afterwards.

Why would you be so rude as to either clock watch or make it clear you don't want to be there?

ExtraOnions · 04/11/2023 16:44

I always seem to have the best time on the nights out I wasn’t really looking forward to.

Sometimes it’s just the right thing, to do something for someone else. It’s a special night for your friend, don’t piss on her chips

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 16:44

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/11/2023 16:42

Ignore those muppets trying to guilt you into going. Don't go. I don't do anything or go anywhere I don't want to. Get your cosies on and watch a movie.

Sure. But don't say yes, allow someone to make a booking on that basis & then pull out hours beforehand.

That's crap & rude - I assume this isn't what you do?

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/11/2023 16:44

LoobyDop · 04/11/2023 15:58

It’s really shitty to pull out at the last minute, but you’re clearly going to. Very poor behaviour.

Oh shhh! So dramatic 🙄

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 16:45

Oh shhh! So dramatic

Shhh! Yourself.

It's not dramatic. If a few people felt like OP & acted accordingly, imagine how crap it would be for the bride?

ThinWomansBrain · 04/11/2023 16:50

If there's a big group going, pull out
Would be a bit different if only 3 or 4 of you.
Just be honest - say you're exhausted from all the delays on the work trip that you didn't anticipate.
Offer to meet up with her another time for something less formal before the wedding (depending how soon that is).
Ask if any non refundable deposit that you need to reimburse her for.

Slipknotted · 04/11/2023 16:51

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 16:36

I don’t really see how being physically present but not engaged is any better though. Someone showing up for the sake of it but clearly not wanting to be there or clock watching is likely upsetting too

Show quote history

Well, go and don’t clockwatch, and engage properly? Your choice isn’t either not going or going with a bad grace.

43ontherocksporfavor · 04/11/2023 16:53

YABU. You said you were going so you need to show up. If not don’t expect to be invited to anything else. Don’t be flakey.

nightnurse82 · 04/11/2023 16:53

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 16:45

Oh shhh! So dramatic

Shhh! Yourself.

It's not dramatic. If a few people felt like OP & acted accordingly, imagine how crap it would be for the bride?

I agree, can't stand people like this who drop out last minute. Either have the balls to say you don't want to go when asked or go.

43ontherocksporfavor · 04/11/2023 16:54

You’re not a friend OP.

nightnurse82 · 04/11/2023 16:54

Strawberryfieldsforeverrr · 04/11/2023 16:36

Just drive, eat the meal that you'll have yo pay for anyway, and drive home.
I'd much rather do that than listen to load of old drunks ramble on anyway, sounds lovely

But no one will be drunk rambling on because the brides family don't drink so it says in original post they won't be having alcohol.

margotrose · 04/11/2023 16:55

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/11/2023 16:42

Ignore those muppets trying to guilt you into going. Don't go. I don't do anything or go anywhere I don't want to. Get your cosies on and watch a movie.

Who's trying to guilt her?

OP asked for opinions and got them. It's unpleasant to cancel on someone with hours to go just because you can't be arsed.

nightnurse82 · 04/11/2023 16:55

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/11/2023 16:42

Ignore those muppets trying to guilt you into going. Don't go. I don't do anything or go anywhere I don't want to. Get your cosies on and watch a movie.

And I bet you don't have many friends left or don't get invited anymore 🙄