Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go out tonight?

197 replies

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 14:57

It’s my friend’s hen do. I know her through work, though we stopped working together a year ago. I don’t know anyone else going - a mutual friend pulled out.

The rest of the guests are her friends, her family, and her partner.

She wants to go to a sit down meal £70 per person, then potentially a bar afterwards. Her family doesn’t drink so it will be a dry night for all whilst they’re present.

I’ve just got home from travelling for work for 4 nights and just feel mentally exhausted with a low appetite for socialising with new people. My friend is going all out with her dress/hair/makeup and will be taking photos all night (understandably), whereas I can’t bring myself to get ready to that extent. Aibu?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 17:26

And part of being a friend is to not plan expensive, crap, self-centered events that no one really wants to attend.

😂😂😂

Going for a nice meal (and correspondingly priced) & a few drinks meets that description?

Don't be silly! It's a hen - it's not the cheapest meal but it's hardly a 5 day extravaganza in Ibiza. It's pretty standard stuff.

OP should have said no to the initial invite if any of this was an issue for her.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 17:27

WeighDownOnMe · 04/11/2023 17:25

@LaurieStrode it's literally dinner!

Not a week in Ayia Napa.

Cross-posted! 😀

TheresaBouvey · 04/11/2023 17:32

Just do it

wear your nicest clothes, or borrow something.

go with an open mind, smile and be there for her

she asked you because she likes you, don’t let her down

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 17:33

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 16:36

I don’t really see how being physically present but not engaged is any better though. Someone showing up for the sake of it but clearly not wanting to be there or clock watching is likely upsetting too

Show quote history

You go and smile and make an effort - have a coffee and a shower and a drink beforehand, you’ll be fine.

Pulling out is really poor, going and being on a downer is poor. You are an adult, you can behave properly.

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 17:35

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 16:58

It is not intentional is it? I’m only human - I’m running off no sleep, days of no sleeping/barely eating and general stress. When you’re exhausted you’re never going to be in an ideal mood to socialise with new people. You act like it is a mere switch to flick on or off

Show quote history

Life isn’t ideal, just get dressed and get out there.

Letting people down at the last minute isn’t on.

OnlyFannys · 04/11/2023 17:35

If I was you I would drag my arse out for the meal, make an effort for a few hours then make your excuses. If you are going to lose the £70 at least get some food out of it and show your face. Otherwise you will probably wake up feeling really guilty tomorrow

honeyandfizz · 04/11/2023 17:36

I cannot stand flakey people like this. Your posts are all me me me. You agreed to go so go otherwise don't have the nerve to go to her wedding.

SandyWaves · 04/11/2023 17:38

Very poor form not to show up just because you can't be bothered.

She has invited you to her wedding and hen do. If your mutual friend doesn't go to the wedding, are you going to not go either. How old are you?

category12 · 04/11/2023 17:39

halloweenn · 04/11/2023 16:58

It is not intentional is it? I’m only human - I’m running off no sleep, days of no sleeping/barely eating and general stress. When you’re exhausted you’re never going to be in an ideal mood to socialise with new people. You act like it is a mere switch to flick on or off

Show quote history

You should have called it off days ago if you feel like that.

It's not nice to pull out last minute.

There's no need to clock-watch or be rudely disengaged either - just have a glass of wine before you go, smile at people and ask them how they know the bride etc, and then after dinner, see how you feel and either go home or go onto the bar if you're enjoying yourself.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 04/11/2023 17:44

YABU

I’m sure there are other people who are tired too.
Imagine if they all pulled out just because they were tired.

Have a shower, cup of coffee and put some make up on and you’ll be fine once you’re out.

If you want to go home early then make an excuse but it’s shitty to let someone down without good reason.

margotrose · 04/11/2023 17:44

And part of being a friend is to not plan expensive, crap, self-centered events that no one really wants to attend.

Nobody forced OP to say yes, did they?

Pigeon31 · 04/11/2023 17:44

Tell her you have a dog/ cat and need to stay in because it's jumpy at fireworks.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 04/11/2023 17:46

Not good to pull out, but as they are her friends I’m sure they’re likeminded people and you may make new friends 🤷🏼‍♀️

WeighDownOnMe · 04/11/2023 17:46

Pigeon31 · 04/11/2023 17:44

Tell her you have a dog/ cat and need to stay in because it's jumpy at fireworks.

Wow, or just don't bother with such a shitty lie and say 'I don't like you enough to come to your special celebratory event cos I'm kinda tired'.

Such an obvious lie is a real slap in the face.

PictureOfFlorianTray · 04/11/2023 17:47

Just feign a reason ( childcare, illness, whatever...)
Don't go.

Many's the time I've turned up to events to find myself 'the only work colleague,' 'the only hobby friend' and 'the only neighbour.'

It's soul destroying.

I honestly believe that socialising is becoming a no go zone. Sad but there it is. I'm nearly 60 if that helps. I've not liked forced get togethers for many years. It's probably just me.

However, I think you'd do well to extricate yourself from the wedding too. Then you won't need to see her again. If that's your intention.

margotrose · 04/11/2023 17:47

Pigeon31 · 04/11/2023 17:44

Tell her you have a dog/ cat and need to stay in because it's jumpy at fireworks.

Nah, don't pull that shit.

I have a dog who's scared of fireworks and planned to stay home with him weeks ago because of bonfire night. It's not something you suddenly realise two hours before Hmm

Katy4321 · 04/11/2023 17:50

Cancelling at last minute puts problems on the organisers and potentially makes bride sad, without a little time to get over it.
Go to the bar you were planning to go to before anyway, have a small drink and I bet you'll have a much better evening than mooching at home.

Dweetfidilove · 04/11/2023 17:51

LoobyDop · 04/11/2023 17:02

This is why there are so many threads about nobody turning up to the OP’s night out or party. Part of being friends with someone is that you show up for them. Literally, in person. Even if you don’t feel like it- you turn up and you smile and you say nice things, and your reward is that you can see that the person you presumably care about and want to be happy feels loved. Why do so many people have such shit social skills? I’m not wildly extraverted, but I’m capable of making an effort for the sake of being part of a community. It matters. The loss of it is the reason so many people are depressed and isolated these days.

Sounds right to me.

This is also why so many people find there’s no one available for them when they’re in a bind.

Bluestoat · 04/11/2023 17:52

Have a quick drink to perk you up before you go if you must and go along! I’m sure it’ll be ok when you get there. It’s so rude to drop out now! The bride won’t care if you have something new to wear. Any thing will be fine. How awkward would it be to go to the wedding if she’s pissed off with you?

nightnurse82 · 04/11/2023 17:53

LaurieStrode · 04/11/2023 17:21

People are bonkers. Pull out and don't give it another thought.

No one is going to die because there were two fewer people at her hen do. It sounds like a VERY unappealing evening and you've had a rough week.

The point is though, what if everyone thought like you and no one turned up. Just be honest when asked and say straight up you don't want to go.

londonguild · 04/11/2023 17:55

Why has OP even posted this asking for advice and is then arguing with anyone who has an opposite opinion to them?

EvilElsa · 04/11/2023 18:00

You clearly aren't going to go whatever the consensus on here. That's totally your call, you don't need to give us all a list of excuses. You don't want to go. If you did you would go regardless of how tired you were, you'd have a coffee and a shower and head off. Personally, I think it's pretty shitty and you should have cancelled during the week but it's done now. If her wedding is months away I'd save her a dinner cost and free up a space for a guest who really wants to attend. You don't sound overly interested in keeping in touch.

Original poster
halloweenn · 04/11/2023 18:03

Some posters are using this thread to project their own issues - your friends cancelling on you doesn’t make me horrible. This friend has cancelled on me last minute countless times and I haven’t ever done that - I’m not holding it against her but some of you seem to be projecting that resentment on me which is odd.

I would have gone mo questions, had it not been one thing after another this week. It has all been slap dash arranged last minute as the bride didn’t want a hen - some posters are acting like I signed a contract months in advance with the specifics laid out

for what it’s worth I went to Zara and bought a dress, I just won’t have much time to get ready.

OP posts:
Monetm · 04/11/2023 18:04

Gowlett · 04/11/2023 17:08

70 quid? No drink? I can see why you’re bailing…

It’s really sad that alcohol dependency is so normalised in this country.

Whalewatchers · 04/11/2023 18:04

Turn your phone off, go to bed. Tomorrow, claim you forgot 😆