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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend this?

219 replies

amayzin · 04/11/2023 13:13

I feel guilty but here goes, someone I don’t know too well has asked us for £100 to borrow until the beginning of next month. I’ve never lent anyone money before as nobody has ever asked.

We could lend them the £100 but we are trying to save as we are TTC (our first, and possibly only) and really want to have enough behind us so I can have a comfortable mat leave etc. If they don’t pay it back then that is £100 less, selfishly!

They have 4 kids and another on the way and I hate the idea of any of them going hungry but on the other hand one of them smokes and they have a relatively new car so my gut instinct says hopefully their situation isn’t that bad and they will still be able to afford food and stuff. AIBU to not lend? I feel bad but DH says it would be a slippery slope and it might put both us and them in a difficult position, doing more harm than good

OP posts:
Justkeepsmilingx · 04/11/2023 17:44

Can you let them know you don’t have it to lend to them. Just say your money is all committed - they don’t know you are saving for a baby - it could be payments in a car, higher mortgage, money you’ve borrowed, credit card, supporting a friend or family member etc.
If you feel bad you could buy them some food - I do this at the end of the month for my son…. Sausages, bacon, beans, bread, spuds etc things to make a few meals from.
Don't feel bad if they are short because of their lifestyle choices - you shouldn’t lower your lifestyle because they choose to use their money in ways you wouldn’t, that’s different to them not being able to live within their means if they spend wisely.

GotNewHair · 04/11/2023 17:46

God no. A friend and I would just give it. A person I knew well and trusted then I would loan it (if I could afford not to get it back) but some cheeky sod I don’t know that well? You have been marked up for being a soft touch .

AdoraBell · 04/11/2023 17:48

If you are not comfortable lending then don’t lend. Also, never lend anything/amount you can’t lose.

wishingiwas20something · 04/11/2023 17:51

Only lend what you can afford to lose, same for gambling.

Nothanksthanksanyway · 04/11/2023 17:53

God, absolutely not. Not your problem.

Wetblanket78 · 04/11/2023 17:55

Point out if they didn't smoke they wouldn't be asking for a handout. If their desperate they could get help off a foodbank.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 04/11/2023 18:02

Say no, don't have any extra money to spare.

MumblesParty · 04/11/2023 18:10

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 17:42

That's not the same.

Of course someone should use judgment to decide if they want to lend the money or not.

They have no right at all to judge the lifestyle or family choices of the individual or family, much less decide to air their views. It's simply none of their business.

Show quote history

Well the people wanting the loan are making it the loaner’s business by asking for money! If you want to keep your lifestyle private, don’t ask others to fund it!

Icopewhenihope · 04/11/2023 18:12

Don’t do it. Keep things simple.

Isittimeformynapyet · 04/11/2023 18:14

Zanatdy · 04/11/2023 15:12

I hate being asked. An ex colleague asked me last year, I did borrow her money but I wasn’t comfortable. She did pay me back straight away on pay day without me reminding but I do hate being asked. As like you I feel bad saying no, but it’s probably best to say no

She borrowed.

You loaned.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 18:15

Well the people wanting the loan are making it the loaner’s business by asking for money! If you want to keep your lifestyle private, don’t ask others to fund it!

They are not 🙄

Don't get me wrong - they are totally CF for asking & OP shouldn't touch this with a barge pole.

But it really isn't anyone's business what their financial situation is or to express an opinion on their choices.

Startagainjanuary · 04/11/2023 18:28

Isittimeformynapyet · 04/11/2023 18:14

She borrowed.

You loaned.

Show quote history

We understand what @Zanatdy is communicating. Nobody asked for a grammar lesson.

xyz111 · 04/11/2023 18:31

If someone smokes, I'd definitely not lend them any more, especially with the price of them now.

K4tM · 04/11/2023 18:32

Say you can’t afford to loan money (it sounds like you actually can’t as you are saving up and thsts none of their business). If you feel bad about their kids going hungry, offer to cook them a meal e.g. a lasagne that they can take away (and then hopefully bring back the dish). I used to send food round to my elderly neighbour every now and then. I’m sure he appreciated it and it made me feel warm and fuzzy.

PlipPlopChoo · 04/11/2023 18:34

They are not

Well they are given that they are asking for money. At least in loan form assuming it gets paid back.

But it really isn't anyone's business what their financial situation is or to express an opinion on their choices

As soon as they are asking for a loan it absolutely if the other persons business. You would be an absolute fool to consider lending somebody money without knowing at least a little about their finances. Banks do this too!

pinkyredrose · 04/11/2023 18:36

Jasmin1971 · 04/11/2023 13:21

Offer a couple of homemade meals instead. You are setting yourself up for a load of hassle if you hand over the money. Just tell them you would be leaving yourself and your own family short if you were to lend the money.

Why the fuck would she do that? They've got family they can cadge a loaf of bread and beans from.

Helendegenerate · 04/11/2023 18:40

A relative asked to borrow a similar sum to the op and I knew they were in a good financial situation but accepted the reason they gave for asking. It was clearly explained that it would all be repaid in X number of weeks.

X number of weeks came and went with not a word to let me know I was getting my money back.

Feeling slightly uncomfortable I requested in person could they please repay me.

This person was rude and unfriendly which shocked me. A few days later the money was put on my table with the words "there it is" !!

Shocking to think it was me who felt slightly guilty. 😞

crispcreambun · 04/11/2023 18:44

@EarringsandLipstick
They have no right at all to judge the lifestyle or family choices of the individual or family, much less decide to air their views. It's simply none of their business.

They do, actually. Everyone has the right to judge others. In fact, coming to a considered judgement of character is the responsible thing to do when choosing how to interact with others. Especially when being asked a not inconsiderable favour. If someone you barely know asks to borrow a considerable sum, it would be foolish to not take into account what you know of how they spend their money before deciding if you’re happy to lend it.

Holly60 · 04/11/2023 18:49

You'll not be the first/only people they've asked.

I wouldn't do it - you'll not see it again. And if you do, they'll ask for another loan the next month.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 18:50

You would be an absolute fool to consider lending somebody money without knowing at least a little about their finances.

Not sure if you are doing this deliberately. I've already answered this.

Needing information to assess the advisability of loaning money - of course (which is what banks do).

Making a value judgment on their choices, forming an opinion on this & thinking you can offer your views on these choices - no and unpleasant (and of course banks don't do this! Unless they've been specifically asked for financial advice).

Orchidgarden · 04/11/2023 18:53

I wouldn't lend the money. If they don't know you very well, they should be asking close friends and family.
As they have been cheeky enough to ask, they will be cheeky enough not to pay you back.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/11/2023 18:53

crispcreambun · 04/11/2023 18:44

@EarringsandLipstick
They have no right at all to judge the lifestyle or family choices of the individual or family, much less decide to air their views. It's simply none of their business.

They do, actually. Everyone has the right to judge others. In fact, coming to a considered judgement of character is the responsible thing to do when choosing how to interact with others. Especially when being asked a not inconsiderable favour. If someone you barely know asks to borrow a considerable sum, it would be foolish to not take into account what you know of how they spend their money before deciding if you’re happy to lend it.

See my latest post (and several before it saying the same thing 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Using information to make an informed decision, is of course sensible.

That's not the same as judging the fact they have several children or are smokers. Or as a PP suggested thinking you can give them your opinions.

This couple are CFs asking someone they hardly know for money. But there are some deeply unpleasant assumptive posts here.

And no, I happen to think that broadly speaking, judging others isn't a great look (which isn't the same as making a choice based on information. Or having an opinion).

crispcreambun · 04/11/2023 18:54

Making a value judgment on their choices, forming an opinion on this & thinking you can offer your views on these choices - no and unpleasant

Of course people can do that. Anyone who claims they don’t judge others is lying. It’s literally how we choose who to associate with and who to avoid. We all have different criteria but it’s the same basic idea.

crispcreambun · 04/11/2023 18:56

And no, I happen to think that broadly speaking, judging others isn't a great look (which isn't the same as making a choice based on information. Or having an opinion).

Both those things are a form of judgement. It’s exactly the same thing.

Irridescantshimmmer · 04/11/2023 19:04

I would not lend the £100 either OP and there is no reason at all why you sjould lend it as like you say, you could lose it if they chose not to pay you back.

Again you said your friend smokes and bought a new car so let them make their bed and lie in it.

You could tell them you and your oarrner have plans for it and can not spare any extra cash atm.

You could also blame it on the cost of living rise.