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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend this?

219 replies

amayzin · 04/11/2023 13:13

I feel guilty but here goes, someone I don’t know too well has asked us for £100 to borrow until the beginning of next month. I’ve never lent anyone money before as nobody has ever asked.

We could lend them the £100 but we are trying to save as we are TTC (our first, and possibly only) and really want to have enough behind us so I can have a comfortable mat leave etc. If they don’t pay it back then that is £100 less, selfishly!

They have 4 kids and another on the way and I hate the idea of any of them going hungry but on the other hand one of them smokes and they have a relatively new car so my gut instinct says hopefully their situation isn’t that bad and they will still be able to afford food and stuff. AIBU to not lend? I feel bad but DH says it would be a slippery slope and it might put both us and them in a difficult position, doing more harm than good

OP posts:
TheJubileePortrait · 04/11/2023 13:49

Nope. They’re not short of money if they’re smokers.

Woollyjumpersandtomatosoupweather · 04/11/2023 13:53

Why are they asking you (who you say they don't know well) and not their own f&f? Or on a credit card? Probably because f&f wont lend to them anymore. IMO only lend it if you can afford to not be paid back!

EnjoythemoneyJane · 04/11/2023 13:57

someone I don’t know too well has asked us for £100

So why do you think they’re asking you?

People who are genuinely in need are often reluctant to borrow from those they know well, let alone tap up random acquaintances, and surely if this is a one-off there’d be someone closer to home who’d sub them til the end of the month?

Is it because there’s literally nobody else they can ask, or could they have just run out of road with all their closer friends and family? Sounds like they might be habitual and unreliable (CF) borrowers who are casting their net wider and see you as a soft touch.

There’s a difference between true neediness and someone chancing their arm, and if you’re looking at their lifestyle and questioning where their priorities lie, you obviously have doubts. Don’t guilt trip yourself into ignoring those instincts - you sound like a nice person, but you don’t owe them an explanation beyond ‘no, I’m afraid I can’t’.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 04/11/2023 14:01

Nope, I wouldn’t lend them money. Their decision to have 4 kids.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 04/11/2023 14:01

EnjoythemoneyJane · 04/11/2023 13:57

someone I don’t know too well has asked us for £100

So why do you think they’re asking you?

People who are genuinely in need are often reluctant to borrow from those they know well, let alone tap up random acquaintances, and surely if this is a one-off there’d be someone closer to home who’d sub them til the end of the month?

Is it because there’s literally nobody else they can ask, or could they have just run out of road with all their closer friends and family? Sounds like they might be habitual and unreliable (CF) borrowers who are casting their net wider and see you as a soft touch.

There’s a difference between true neediness and someone chancing their arm, and if you’re looking at their lifestyle and questioning where their priorities lie, you obviously have doubts. Don’t guilt trip yourself into ignoring those instincts - you sound like a nice person, but you don’t owe them an explanation beyond ‘no, I’m afraid I can’t’.

Don't be afraid. Just say no. You are under no obligation to lend give anyone your money. You don't need a reason to justify your decision.

rockinginarockingchair · 04/11/2023 14:03

You dont need an excuse.
You dont need to explain.
You dont need to make up a lie or fib.
JUST SAY NO.
Or only lend what your willing to lose.
I lent to a few mates in my time and im still waiting for it to be paid back.
Not huge amounts but 10/20/15 here and there its not worth the drama.
I learned a good lesson if you want to get rid of a friend or you want no contact with a person lend them money they wont be back.

WonderingWanda · 04/11/2023 14:12

Absolutely not for someone you don't know too well. If it was your best friend and they didn't have a history of borrowing then that might be different. For a good friend who was struggling I would probably just give it to them. Lending never works, I either give it or I don't.

Createausername1970 · 04/11/2023 14:14

Agree with everyone else. I have "gifted" small amounts to close friends over the years. Small amounts that I could give willingly, and not need to have paid back, so no damage done to friendships. Over the years I have probably had those amounts more than repaid by small, kind gestures here and there by those same friends.

DH lent one of his friends a large amount of money to pay their rent with the promise it would be paid back with 2 months. Two days later friend's wife was posting on Facebook about an expensive holiday they had just booked. DH spoke to friend and said he was surprised they booked a holiday if they couldn't pay the rent. Cue numerous barbed posts on Facebook by the wife saying how nasty some people were, begrudging them a holiday. Obviously aimed at DH. Took 9 months to get it back in full and trashed that friendship for good.

So my view is don't lend any money, ever, and only give what you can afford to lose.

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 14:15

No don’t.

It’s your responsibility full stop, but anyway from your description they can find another solution.

CaineRaine · 04/11/2023 14:16

If you’re short of cash and need to borrow money, you start with those closest to you. The fact they’re asking you and you don’t know them that well implies they’ve exhausted the goodwill of people before you. I agree with the suggestion to offer practical help if you feel you want to but otherwise it’s be a “no sorry, all my money is accounted for” from me.

LuluBlakey1 · 04/11/2023 14:16

Don't do it- you'll never see it again and they'll be back for more. Just say you don't have it.

Greenberg2 · 04/11/2023 14:17

'No I can't. Hope you get sorted'. The end OP!

momonpurpose · 04/11/2023 14:19

Jasmin1971 · 04/11/2023 13:21

Offer a couple of homemade meals instead. You are setting yourself up for a load of hassle if you hand over the money. Just tell them you would be leaving yourself and your own family short if you were to lend the money.

I think this is a great idea it will tell you if they really needed the help. My guess is the meals will be turned down and you'll know. If you give 100 because it will not be paid back it will be easier to ask for more

LIZS · 04/11/2023 14:19

No , chances are when payment is due there will be another unexpected expense. Why would you ask a vague acquaintance for a loan? Only if you had exhausted those closer and more traditional sources of loans.

LWYRUP · 04/11/2023 14:20

Never lend more than you can afford to lose.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 04/11/2023 14:20

AhNowTed · 04/11/2023 13:19

Speaking from experience...

You don't know them that well.

This means they've ALREADY been through a long list of friends and family and have likely burned a lot of bridges.

Think about it - why would they be asking YOU?

This is definitely what’s gone on behind the scenes!

dottiedodah · 04/11/2023 14:21

Someone once said that if you can afford to lose the cash ,lend it but dont expect it back. In other words Dont! Times are hard right now and no one has spare cash .Just say "Sorry a bit tight right now " or words to that effect.With Christmas coming and winter bills how can they pay it back realistically?

dickdarstardlymuttley · 04/11/2023 14:21

Neither a borrower nor a lender be” - Hamlet. Shakespeare
This quote means that you should neither borrow money from friends, risk being in debt to them and not being able to pay them back, and that they should not lend money out either. Then you might be at the risk of never retrieving your funds and losing friends.

viques · 04/11/2023 14:24

There’s nothing wrong about helping friends out financially, but you should never do it in the expectation that it will be repaid .

If you can’t afford to give them £100 then you can’t afford to lend them £100.

betterangels · 04/11/2023 14:26

Nope. It's lot of money to ask for from someone you barely know, which means they've likely already asked everyone else.

You don't need an excuse. Saying no is fine.

pumpkintits · 04/11/2023 14:27

I wouldn't OP, it puts you in an awkward situation if you have to ask for it back. I had similar, a school mum whose daughter is friends with mine asked if she could borrow £50. I barely knew her, but I felt awful saying no. I just can't understand why you would ask someone you barely know?

Buttercups3926 · 04/11/2023 14:27

I am very experienced in this... I have various family members who ask to borrow money. Once you agree, they keep asking for more. Some times they pay you back, to ask again the following week. Other times they don't pay you back and your constantly chasing. Just say no. I started to say no, and now they never ask or speak to me which is great!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/11/2023 14:28

Agree with every PP saying don’t do it! If I was genuinely hard up, I would ask my parents or PIL for money and not a random acquaintance.

honeylulu · 04/11/2023 14:31

Just say no. You don't even need to give a reason but if you do you could say you can't afford it (true as you can't afford to lose it) or (my personal mantra) "I do not lend money on principle, no exceptions".

If it was someone I knew well and was in genuine need I would rather give them the money IF I could afford it.

The trouble with lending is:
(a) a lot of people who ask to borrow actually mean "give" and are indignant and huffy when you expect it back.
(b) if they borrow because they are in dire need then it's usually difficult for them to find the money to pay you back, and they convince themselves that you don't really need it and it's "mean" for you to expect them to scrimp to repay you.

A couple of years ago one of our neighbours asked to borrow £5k when their business was struggling and I said no, I don't lend money, sorry. They sold one of their cars instead and to be honest they should have thought of that first. We are still friends with them so the refusal wasn't a problem.

Ragwort · 04/11/2023 14:32

Of course you shouldn't ... and what is the context that they have asked someone they hardly know to lend them £100? Hmm

We (stupidly - two occasions) have lent £1k to a family member and a friend ..... never got repaid.

As a PP suggested ... offer a home cooked meal or info about the local food bank or community fridge, Olio or similar.

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