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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend this?

219 replies

amayzin · 04/11/2023 13:13

I feel guilty but here goes, someone I don’t know too well has asked us for £100 to borrow until the beginning of next month. I’ve never lent anyone money before as nobody has ever asked.

We could lend them the £100 but we are trying to save as we are TTC (our first, and possibly only) and really want to have enough behind us so I can have a comfortable mat leave etc. If they don’t pay it back then that is £100 less, selfishly!

They have 4 kids and another on the way and I hate the idea of any of them going hungry but on the other hand one of them smokes and they have a relatively new car so my gut instinct says hopefully their situation isn’t that bad and they will still be able to afford food and stuff. AIBU to not lend? I feel bad but DH says it would be a slippery slope and it might put both us and them in a difficult position, doing more harm than good

OP posts:
Stoic123 · 04/11/2023 15:13

Loads of organisations want to lend people money - if they don't, it's because that person is too much of a risk. That should tell you all you need to know.

If you want to give something to help out and can easily afford to, then do so. As PP have said, don't expect repayment though. Doesn't sound like £100 is something you can afford to give away at the moment- so don't.

Sarvanga38 · 04/11/2023 15:13

Blimey, there are some naive people on this thread.

I probably would but remind them that you need it back asap as it’s coming out of your Christmas fund, If they are struggling with money at this time of year which is coming up to Christmas and expensive you may not see it till next year. I would also mention that you have very little savings as all excess cash goes into …..make up something….mortgage overpayments etc etc

They won't care. The OP still won't see it back before Christmas, if ever. Christmas will just be an excuse - 'oh, we need to buy the kids' presents, you wouldn't want to see them go without, would you?'.

Similarly suggestions to make them food, buy them groceries. As the OP states, these are not friends, she doesn't know them well. They are trying it on. At best, direct them to food banks/Olio, but I'm sure they'll manage (probably by taking some other kind soul in).

Squirrelsbite · 04/11/2023 15:15

Don’t lend them anything!
you won’t see it or them again or they will see you as a soft touch and ask again

Friendofdennis · 04/11/2023 15:19

Only lend it if you don’t need it back because it is very embarrassing to have to ask for repayment if they are dragging their heels I have lent to close friends and been so disappointed when they have renaged on our arrangement

Friendofdennis · 04/11/2023 15:20

Also people may intend to pay you back but then they have bills and you get pushed down the repayment list.

MumblesParty · 04/11/2023 15:21

I wouldn’t lend it. The smoker in the couple can go without fags for 10 days and they’ve solved their problem.

tellittothemoon · 04/11/2023 15:22

No. Absolutely not. Tell them you are living off your credit card yourself.

MammaTo · 04/11/2023 15:22

Tbh if they was genuinely struggling I would probably say here’s £50 as a gift and not expect a repayment but make it abundantly clear you don’t have anymore to give and if they come asking again say no.

housethatbuiltme · 04/11/2023 15:24

If you refuse to lend money... you lose a 'friend'

If you lend money... you lose a 'friend' and money

Sharontheodopolodous · 04/11/2023 15:27

Please don't

I lent a 'friend' £60 (3 times at £20 a time)

She claimed she had no money to feed her two kids and I can't let any child go hungry

She paid me back

She then borrowed another £40 (twice at twenty quid a time)saying it was for food for the kids (again) and her mum couldn't help but again,she paid me back

She borrowed £190 and ive not seen her since-i was blocked on sm,her phone and whatsapp etc

Turns out they where on good money but her h was a wino,stoner and gambler-so they had no money left over and I was just one in a long line of lenders-cash flow had dried up from other sources (her mum did warn me but it was too late)

Last I saw of her,she was heavily pregnant with no 3 and still with her bloke and I've heard she's still up to her old tricks with other people

I couldn't afford to lend her that money-i needed it back but she seems to think it's OK to do this

Unless you can afford to give it to her,just don't

SamPoodle123 · 04/11/2023 15:29

Like everyone else said, def not! It sounds like they are irresponsible if they already have so many kids with another on the way and need to borrow 100, plus a car etc. They should stop smoking, as that is crazy expensive.

wednesdayworries · 04/11/2023 15:36

I made this mistake before with a friend - and whilst she pays me back everytime she often asks me now and it’s hard to say no.
The way I see it now is, if a family was starving, they’d aak you to do a £50 asda shop for them - but they only ever seem to ask for money.

Crumpleton · 04/11/2023 15:36

Just tell them sorry but you're not in a position to lend them the money.

Every explanation you've given for not being able to lend the money is of no one's buisness and you've no one to answer to.
Don't faff with an answer and don't leave the door open for them to come back with another plea for it or it won't stop there.

On a side note It's not your doing that they have 4 kids plus one on the way.

Scousefab · 04/11/2023 15:37

Wow agree with the other posters! Say you can’t lend it you have a credit card bill to pay. Agree if they really needed it they would cut down on the cigarettes

Bluela18 · 04/11/2023 15:41

No way would I lend anyone £100 if I didn't know them. I wouldn't feel guilty either , you have your own family to think about. I'd just say sorry I can't lend you but I hope you find someone to help

Channellingsophistication · 04/11/2023 15:42

nope dont lend them the money

WhamBamThankU · 04/11/2023 15:44

I think you need to change your mindset of feeling selfish for wanting to keep your hard earned money for yourself and future!

SerenChocolateMuncher · 04/11/2023 15:47

I disagree with the posters who are suggesting you tell them "I can't afford it", "I've got a credit card bill to pay", saving for Christmas, or whatever. You are not obliged to divulge your financial circumstances to anyone and especially CFs you hardly know. You do not owe them any kind of explanation for your refusal.

By offering an explanation, you imply that 'you would if you could', which won't put them off asking again. Then you have to keep finding excuses to refuse, or they eventually wear you down until you agree to lend them money.

Just say "No" and save yourself the bother.

BettyB0Op · 04/11/2023 15:48

You should only give money if you can afford to lose it. If you get it back it’s a bonus but never expect to see it again. That’s the reality.

Gingefringe · 04/11/2023 15:51

They probably want £100 to repay someone else. My ex-SIL was like this - she was borrowing money from most of her friends and family to pay back various ongoing loans.
Suggest he gives up smoking or sells the new car. Please don't lend them the money.

Snazzysausage · 04/11/2023 15:51

Maybe I'm cynical(or realistic?!) but since you don't know them that well I suspect they've run out of willing lenders in their closer circle and have decided to cast their net further out.Tell them either you just don't have the spare money to lend or you're simply not comfortable about lending money out.

Dinglewoop · 04/11/2023 15:52

I'd only lend it if I was fully prepared and happy to not get it back at all. Seems strange they would ask you if you're not that close.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 04/11/2023 15:53

They'd save £100 if they gave up the fags

Branleuse · 04/11/2023 15:59

dont get involved. What a nerve asking you for that sort of money. They dont even know you that well. They are chancers and now have made you feel awkward.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/11/2023 16:02

Don’t.

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