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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a friendship over this comment about CM?

191 replies

Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 08:20

My partner left me and ds when he was 2 weeks old. I immediately put in a claim for CM as I was on maternity leave and desperate. At the time ex had to pay me 970 a month (three years ago). This paid my mortgage and effectively allowed me to take the full year of maternity leave as I had some savings myself too.

Anyway it’s three years later, he has sod all to do with us and his payments have gone down to 580. I know this is a chunk of money but please don’t comment that I should be grateful (I see that comment a lot on here!)… I do absolutely everything for ds so he’s effectively paying me a tiny amount towards what he should be doing practically. But this isn’t about that…

I made a throwaway comment that I was going to find it more difficult now the payments have reduced and I might have to re assess what ds can do activity wise etc. My friend jumped in almost before I had finished speaking and said at least I had the first early years effectively paid for in full as I never had to worry about nursery cost like she had to do it was a luxury, (she’s married!) and now what I’m getting ‘surely covers’ all the basics ds needs.

I keep going over it and wondering if it was meant to be supportive but the way she said it and the comment about her having to worry about nursery but not me? I struggled massively in those first three years and it didn’t feel like a luxury…!! I am so disappointed she has said this and feel really uncomfortable seeing her again. AIBU?

OP posts:
Universalsnail · 04/11/2023 08:22

If you are going to end a friendship over a silly comment like this then I would suggest the friendship doesn't mean much to you in the first place. It was an insensitive comment but not friendship ending imo.

SantaBarbaraMonica · 04/11/2023 08:22

People only see their own perspective usually. She can only see hers.

Snowdayplease · 04/11/2023 08:23

I don't think either of you are wrong. Of course things haven't been easy for you, and your ex should do more. But you sound like you assume everything goes easily for your friend just because she is married - it won't!

Original poster
Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 08:24

@Snowdayplease I don’t think that at all. But having money and no supportive partner is not comparable to being married is it? The money wasn’t a luxury!!

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 04/11/2023 08:30

It might have been a snide comment, or she might have meant "oh, that's tough for you, but at least he paid up when he did, to allowed you to take maternity"

It's difficult to judge whether it was a snide comment, a sympathetic comment or a matter-of-fact comment.

But if you are thinking of ending a friendship because of it then I assume there must be a backstory.

Createausername1970 · 04/11/2023 08:33

Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 08:24

@Snowdayplease I don’t think that at all. But having money and no supportive partner is not comparable to being married is it? The money wasn’t a luxury!!

Sometimes, where parenting is concerned, having partners financial contribution without the partner themselves can be a bonus.

EvaBlue · 04/11/2023 08:36

£970 may be not far off what her husband brings home, once you take off his living expenses. If that £400 was just going on DS’s extracurricular activities maybe she’s tired of hearing about your financial position, when hers is worse.

MissHavershamReturns · 04/11/2023 08:37

It might have been a clumsy attempt to reassure you. I would give her another chance if she doesn’t have form. I’d shed often critical dump. I don’t have time in my life for toxic friends now.

windypumpkin · 04/11/2023 08:38

Createausername1970 · 04/11/2023 08:33

Sometimes, where parenting is concerned, having partners financial contribution without the partner themselves can be a bonus.

Show quote history

Exactly. The grass isn't always greener.

Personally I think this: made a throwaway comment that I was going to find it more difficult now the payments have reduced and I might have to re assess what ds can do activity wise etc. would have been better left with less detail. E.g. your budget is squeezed so you're going to have to stop doing some of the things.

It's best to keep money chat to a minimum I find.

windypumpkin · 04/11/2023 08:40

I immediately put in a claim for CM as I was on maternity leave and desperate and please don't ever feel you have to justify why you claimed for CM. It's the bare minimum he should be coughing up.

Muchof · 04/11/2023 08:41

I think you have dealt with a great deal and your child’s father was an arse. But you did manage to take a year off (my sister had a child with an arse and she had to go back to work when her baby was nine weeks old, that is hardship) and so from the outside maybe your friend is bored of you complaining about your situation and “having to cut back on activities” when your situation doesn’t seem that bad to her. I don’t know why you would go into this kind of detail anyway.

TeenLifeMum · 04/11/2023 08:41

Never speak about amounts - what ex dh pays, what your salary is etc, people either feel jealous or smug. You are absolutely entitled to that money - a df passing towards his child isn’t a luxury.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 04/11/2023 08:43

Do you work?

Karwomannghia · 04/11/2023 08:43

I agree it is best not to talk about income.
A lot of people find it hard to be sympathetic when so many are struggling with paying out and don’t know how to react to complaints and moans. They don’t like to hear them so they try to find the positives for you.

Just wondering why ending the friendship is the first thing that springs to mind?

Soontobe60 · 04/11/2023 08:48

The thing is, there are so many variables that it’s hard to know if you or her are being unfair.
It must have been hard to be left to raise a new born baby so soon after he was born. Is there a reason why your ex doesn’t see his child?
A friend of mine was able to work part time when her baby was young because she got a decent amount of CM off her ex whilst I had to return to work full time when my baby was under 6 months old. She couldn’t understand why I didn’t have the money or time to do lovely days out with her and the babies all the time!

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 04/11/2023 08:49

I'd let this pass and if I was you not talk about money. Everyones perspective is different. When my friend found out I had a certain amount of savings in the bank she was behaving like I was bloody rich - she and her partner never have savings, they run a business, have a 9 bedroomed house, ex pensive cars, their children attended private school, and they have professions which mean they would always be high earners, even if business went bust. I live in a 3 bedroomed house, child in state school, cheap cars. She was actually sitting there wearing rings that cost more than my house! I just have a liitle giggle to my self - she lives in a different world. I feel comfortable, she feels she is not.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 04/11/2023 08:51

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 04/11/2023 08:43

Do you work?

Why do you as OP this. ??

Loubelle70 · 04/11/2023 08:54

Tell her you found it offensive (if she meant it that way). If shes a friend, you know.
Tbh my DD sperm donor contributed 5p a week, 20p a month yep. He was on benefits. I was very young and naive. I was a single mum. Working.
I struggled on one wage but managed. I am in better very well paid job Now ...but that amount is not a bad amount to cope with. I was limited at activities i could afford, but theres free near free activities... park...walk... picnic

LizzBurg · 04/11/2023 08:54

I’d let it go and move on. Compared to people I know receiving CM for one child £970 and even £580 is considerably more.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 04/11/2023 08:54

Well OP says she's going to struggle now the payments have been cut so I was wondering whether she worked. Not an unreasonable question I don't think

Itsnotchristmasyet · 04/11/2023 08:59

YANBU to find it upsetting and offensive but I would be careful about throwing a friendship away over it.

I would back off and if she asks to meet up, explain how much it upset you and how she can’t possibly know what it’s like being left a single parent and doing everything and not sharing the costs 50/50.

Her reaction to you will decide whether this is a friendship that you want to continue or not.

I got milk vouchers when I had my DD which I believe were £1.50 a week and they were to only be used on milk (and I think fruit).
I was a teenage single parent and no physical or financial help from anyone.
My sister was married and her and her DH was on a good income and she went mad at me when she found out I was getting these £1.50 vouchers every week as it wasn’t fair.

Some people honestly have no idea.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 04/11/2023 09:02

LizzBurg · 04/11/2023 08:54

I’d let it go and move on. Compared to people I know receiving CM for one child £970 and even £580 is considerably more.

Yes it’s loads more than most people get.

But the friend is living with her DH with 2 incomes and sharing half the rent and bills.

The friend will still be way better off than OP and it was very rude and insensitive to act like OP’s had it easier than her, when she obviously hadn’t.

Sometimeswinning · 04/11/2023 09:03

LizzBurg · 04/11/2023 08:54

I’d let it go and move on. Compared to people I know receiving CM for one child £970 and even £580 is considerably more.

So?? It’s hardly a second wage coming in is it? No woman should be grateful for a man paying for his child.

Goodornot · 04/11/2023 09:06

You see all the time on here that financial abuse starts when the children arrive.

Once on mat leave the man becomes a tight arse and keeps money to himself leaving nothing but SMP and child benefit if they qualify for it and whatever savings the OP has to live on.

OP got nearly £1000 a month for a newborn that only needed milk and nappies, a pram and a bed and some clothes for the first few months. You also had savings that allowed you take a full year off because of the maintenance.

In married couples, how often does the man hand the woman a grand a month for what they need?

You did pretty well OP and some women would prefer the money without the man around.

CornishGem1975 · 04/11/2023 09:10

EvaBlue · 04/11/2023 08:36

£970 may be not far off what her husband brings home, once you take off his living expenses. If that £400 was just going on DS’s extracurricular activities maybe she’s tired of hearing about your financial position, when hers is worse.

This. She could be struggling for money and hearing your woes about having to stop some activities, which are a luxury especially right now, probably smarted a bit.

Also, as you've discovered CM can go down, nobody should ever rely on it for anything. Your ex could lose his job tomorrow (or die) and you'd get sweet FA.