To end a friendship over this comment about CM?

[Jupp1]

My partner left me and ds when he was 2 weeks old. I immediately put in a claim for CM as I was on maternity leave and desperate. At the time ex had to pay me 970 a month (three years ago). This paid my mortgage and effectively allowed me to take the full year of maternity leave as I had some savings myself too.

Anyway it’s three years later, he has sod all to do with us and his payments have gone down to 580. I know this is a chunk of money but please don’t comment that I should be grateful (I see that comment a lot on here!)… I do absolutely everything for ds so he’s effectively paying me a tiny amount towards what he should be doing practically. But this isn’t about that…

I made a throwaway comment that I was going to find it more difficult now the payments have reduced and I might have to re assess what ds can do activity wise etc. My friend jumped in almost before I had finished speaking and said at least I had the first early years effectively paid for in full as I never had to worry about nursery cost like she had to do it was a luxury, (she’s married!) and now what I’m getting ‘surely covers’ all the basics ds needs.

I keep going over it and wondering if it was meant to be supportive but the way she said it and the comment about her having to worry about nursery but not me? I struggled massively in those first three years and it didn’t feel like a luxury…!! I am so disappointed she has said this and feel really uncomfortable seeing her again. AIBU?

The friend will still be way better off than OP and it was very rude and insensitive to act like OP’s had it easier than her, when she obviously hadn’t.

How do you know that the friend will be better off? You don't know that friend's personal circumstance.

Or of he starts building a relationship with the child and begins to stay at dad's it will be cut. You can't rely on it.

This! Who ends a friendship over one daft remark?!

Perhaps she is much skinter than you, married or not. Perhaps she is a bit self obsessed.

With money just avoid taking specific figures with friends.

If she’s a proper friend get over yourself. If she’s just an acquaintance then it’s not worth worrying about anyway.

OP , on MN you are told to consider yourself lucky to receive any CM at all . It’s an attitude I don’t understand .
One of my DDs has had a few snide comments about the CM she is - finally - receiving from her high earning exh . She pointed out that all he has to do is pay some money , she does everything else . He sees the DC for 3 hours a week .

This. I don't really understand this MN thing about NC with people who are supposedly close over one comment you don't like.

I think you will be happier, in general, if you assume the best possible interpretation of things that are said to you- particularly by friends. However if you already don't like this woman there is no need keep seeing her.

Do things that make you happy.

If she's a good friend I would try talking to her first about how she upset you and giving her a chance to apologize before cutting her off

Married people can still be skint. By your own admission the money allowed you to take a years mat leave, so presumably you weren’t struggling with bills.

Having money and no partner can easily be a far better option than being married - a partner can add to life’s difficulties in lots of ways.

You are playing a one upmanship here, which might explain why she is.

Stop it.

Of course your ex should contribute, but being a single parent doesn’t make you automatically in a worse position than anyone else.

One other thing to consider is to keep discussions over finances to a minimum.

I don't tell my friends what I earn or my outgoings are. Perhaps limit what you tell people it's honestly nobody's business.

It will also affect how friend feels. So I agree it is relevant

It's clear the OP works. The maintenance allowed her to take a year of mat leave. She doesn't say anywhere that she didn't go back to work and it doesn't sound like she could afford to stay off work. The maintenance paid her mortgage but not bills etc.

But the friend is living with her DH with 2 incomes and sharing half the rent and bills.

But they would have to pay all the nursery fees.

I think the comment was more about free nursery than CM.

And others are right, a SAHP isn’t offered extra money from their husbands, they don’t get the rent paid for by government etc

You might be doing everything, but then so might she and have an extra person to run round after.

It's depressingly common for the man to do sod all for the children and add to the load.

She could be struggling for money and hearing your woes about having to stop some activities, which are a luxury especially right now, probably smarted a bit.

Yep. plus maybe she'd have liked to be at home with her child or afford more activities. I dare say that if she thought it through, she'd realise the benefits (assuming her DH is decent) of having a partner to share the parenting. But I can imagine that the amount of money and you being focused on it only affecting activities could smart for a few seconds and lead to that comment.

But for goodness' sake, as a stand-alone incident, it absolutely is not a friendship ending thing.

So why don't nursery fees apply to her too?

Cheeky cow. I’d ask her why she doesn’t think your child deserves any support from their own father. I can’t stand these stupid women who seem to resent men having to support their own kids, puppets to the patriarchy.

It is strange that some people think that high earning NRP shouldn't pay higher levels of CM. These people never say that high earners shouldn't pay more tax.

Never discuss specific amounts of CM. It makes some people strangely judgy and they forget that you don't benefit from the practical side of having a partner. It's ok to complain that you are not getting CM or it's being reduced nearly 50% but there's a surprising number who thinks that CM should be capped a lot lower because they receive pathetic amounts of £7pw or know people getting nothing.

She's not cheeky, you both don't fully understand the other ones life.
There's two of us but I went back to work at 7 months as we couldn't afford it. £980 was less than Hs wage.

i agree. It’s often a financial shock/hit hit to the resident parent if they have enough CM to live a comfy life and then the CM stops when the kid/s hit 18. Much better to work and build a career, where possible, to prepare for the fact the CM is only for a limited time.

You must have loads of mates if you react to every slightly tactless comment by assuming malice.

If you are each putting almost £600, that is a lot of money to be directed towards one young child and far more than many married couples can put towards each child. Few parents have £1200 to go towards their child expenses so for you to say you then can't afford extracurriculars seems very classist.

You would still have rent a mortgage and all your own expenses- utlities, food, transportation etc without a child. While many people just include their CM in their general budget, if you parse out what is child specific - nursery, child's food, child's clothing, child activiites, child use of utilitiies - most people have less than £1200 to put towards these child specific expenses. Many married people have to make choices about a cheaper nursery or staying in a flat or whatver to ensure it stays within their budget.

That I don't know.

No you’re right, suggesting children of divorce with uninterested, unloving fathers should be ‘happy with the basics’ is totally not cheeky…

Yeah, I have more friends than you and my dads bigger than yours too…🙄 grow up.
I’m assuming ignorance and stupidity, not malice.

I don't think £1000 a month for a newborn is the basics. Would the OP really have wanted the father to have contact and overnight...with a newborn? Doubt it.

Your mistake was discussing the amount with her when it’s none of her business. I suspect she’s struggling financially and a bit envious at the amount you get from him. Obviously your ex should be paying for his child, not in the least because he does fuck all else.