To end a friendship over this comment about CM?

[Jupp1]

My partner left me and ds when he was 2 weeks old. I immediately put in a claim for CM as I was on maternity leave and desperate. At the time ex had to pay me 970 a month (three years ago). This paid my mortgage and effectively allowed me to take the full year of maternity leave as I had some savings myself too.

Anyway it’s three years later, he has sod all to do with us and his payments have gone down to 580. I know this is a chunk of money but please don’t comment that I should be grateful (I see that comment a lot on here!)… I do absolutely everything for ds so he’s effectively paying me a tiny amount towards what he should be doing practically. But this isn’t about that…

I made a throwaway comment that I was going to find it more difficult now the payments have reduced and I might have to re assess what ds can do activity wise etc. My friend jumped in almost before I had finished speaking and said at least I had the first early years effectively paid for in full as I never had to worry about nursery cost like she had to do it was a luxury, (she’s married!) and now what I’m getting ‘surely covers’ all the basics ds needs.

I keep going over it and wondering if it was meant to be supportive but the way she said it and the comment about her having to worry about nursery but not me? I struggled massively in those first three years and it didn’t feel like a luxury…!! I am so disappointed she has said this and feel really uncomfortable seeing her again. AIBU?

@Jupp1
She was probably speaking out of her own sense of frustration. Actually being married or having a partner is only as good a thing as the spouse or partner is a good, kind, weight carrying person.

It's not a privilege! Paying 12% - 20% of your income towards your children IS THE BARE MINIMUM.

The issue of what a nanny would cost is really rather bogus. Many couples have children and one partner does much more than the other or contributes more than the other. Your ex may be paying more, less or about right but that is irrelevant really. Keep your financial affairs to yourself if you value your friendship. I have friends with more and less than me. I try and separate this from how I feel about them as a person. If they are kind and fun to spend time with, arguing or feeling slighted about money or politics or whatever is pointless.

@saffronsoup it would never happen because I’m not a lowlife. But I would expect half of nursery fees to be paid for and then whatever childcare the person I had forced to care for my child in my absence, needed, to ensure they could maintain their own life too.

I receive a significant amount of money per month, from the father of my children. I have never told anybody how much. Not even my partner knows as it is for my kids. I wouldn't tell people, personally but then again I was raised in a family where we didn't talk about how much money people had or how much they earned, as it was seen as private.

Well unless her husband earns less than £970 a month he's bringing in more to the household than your feckless ex. CM shouldn't be a race to the bottom, if that's what he was assessed as needing to pay he was on a bloody good salary. OP shouldn't feel bad about that because some men think £7 a week is adequate

@cansu its not bogus, though. He and I are not family. It’s not the same as a wife or husband doing more or less than the other.

@Chichimcgee if you think the other parent contributing financially to raising their own child is a privilege, you have a very low bar

So how much would that be? What amount could cover all those costs and what would you be left with from your salary after covering that cost?

Unfortunately many, many people don’t get child maintenance so yes it’s a privilege

@Chichimcgee do you understand that you are effectively saying that women should feel lucky when men are forced to contribute financially to the upbringing of their child?

Are you stupid or just a man?

It's not a race to the bottom!

You could say to your friend something like "when you said... I was upset because it felt like... Can you talk me through what you meant by...?" then decide your next steps depending on how she responds.

@saffronsoup this is exactly the problem though isn’t it? Women (usually) are forced into debt or a lower standard of living because CM is insufficient. I earn a high salary so I could in theory pay half of nursery and then an amount to cover some childcare outside of that to support a RP. It would be in the region of 1,500 a month. That would be the right thing to do if I was going to abandon all responsibility on a daily, 24 hour basis.

I’d feel damn lucky if my ex paid any of the child maintenance he owes, currently over 15k and hasn’t been forced to pay. So yes those who have ex’s who contribute financially are lucky.

You may not live together but presumably if you were living together, you may or may not do more or earn more or less than each other. In any event, whether what he pays is fair or not is irrelevant. You have mixed friendship with money. Is it important that your friend agrees with you? Why? She probably should not have commented. She made an error here too. Keep your financial affairs private.

Omg seriously ‘it’s not a race to the bottom’ of course it’s not but thinking those who get child maintenance are lucky or more privileged than those who don’t isn’t a race to the bottom, it’s stating a fact. I’m privileged to have food in my belly and a roof over my head, just because that’s the bare minimum anyone deserves doesn’t make it less of a privilege

@Chichimcgee no they are not lucky, you just have an ex who is a cheap arsehole who doesn't pay for the children he created.

You really need to raise the bar in life. Just because some lowlife idiot doesn’t pay for their child does not mean those who receive money should feel privileged! Who taught you that? Why should women have to pay for everything?

They shouldn’t, but when cms don’t chase the maintenance up it’s the reality for lots of women.

Cut her off if you want to. Some people can only maintain friendships with people who agree with them on everything.

If the friendship is otherwise fine, I wouldn’t be ending it over a single clumsy remark.

I'm not young. I'm just not buying the bull.

Oh, and I was a single mother for ten years. I have a teeny bit of experience there.

Looking after your own child in the evening is not something you can equate a professional nanny wage too. It's not someone else's child. It's your own, and you are not a trained, qualified nanny. When your mum/friend/sister babysits, I presume you pay them £20 p/hr as you would a professional nanny, seeing as you think anyone,. including yourself looking after the child is providing that value...

You get an enormous amount of money per month. I actually got more than that via CMS. Whilst I don't qualify for any benefits now due to DH's wage, when I was a single mother, my wages, plus all the money the government just threw at me, plus a hefty CMS amount, was actually an outrageous amount of money. At least I owned it, and didn't have the gall to act stricken by a reduction in just my CM. But then you genuinely think you provide the value of an employed, trained professional for putting your own child to bed, so...

"Hope that's dumbed down enough for you to digest"

Do you talk to your friend the way you speak to people on here? Because if so you might not have to worry about being the one to step away.

@ChristmasCrumpet

You are looking at it from the perspective that I need to consider ex isn’t around and therefore look after our child which of course isn’t professional care.

Let’s consider him, actually in charge of our child for 50% of the time, as he should be, and then deciding to be absent. What choices would he have? To leave dc with a family member or friend, or to seek professional services. I am not ex’s family. I am not a professional nanny but nor should I have to offer him free childcare.

I am not sure why it’s so hard for you to understand.