To end a friendship over this comment about CM?

[Jupp1]

My partner left me and ds when he was 2 weeks old. I immediately put in a claim for CM as I was on maternity leave and desperate. At the time ex had to pay me 970 a month (three years ago). This paid my mortgage and effectively allowed me to take the full year of maternity leave as I had some savings myself too.

Anyway it’s three years later, he has sod all to do with us and his payments have gone down to 580. I know this is a chunk of money but please don’t comment that I should be grateful (I see that comment a lot on here!)… I do absolutely everything for ds so he’s effectively paying me a tiny amount towards what he should be doing practically. But this isn’t about that…

I made a throwaway comment that I was going to find it more difficult now the payments have reduced and I might have to re assess what ds can do activity wise etc. My friend jumped in almost before I had finished speaking and said at least I had the first early years effectively paid for in full as I never had to worry about nursery cost like she had to do it was a luxury, (she’s married!) and now what I’m getting ‘surely covers’ all the basics ds needs.

I keep going over it and wondering if it was meant to be supportive but the way she said it and the comment about her having to worry about nursery but not me? I struggled massively in those first three years and it didn’t feel like a luxury…!! I am so disappointed she has said this and feel really uncomfortable seeing her again. AIBU?

Imagine being jealous of a single mum who's ex buggered off leaving her with a tiny newborn and who's had to do every single moment of parenting alone for the past three years.

So basically you shouldn’t have to care for your child full time so he should contribute the equivalent cost of 50% childcare hours?

I think complaining about having to reduce your child’s activities could be seen as tactless by someone who is struggling just to put food on the table, regardless of marital status/source of income.

I know, I know.

And there's no amount of explaining that will make her see how ridiculous it is.

The entitlement is real here.

@ChristmasCrumpet how is that ridiculous? Or are you happy in a world when women are just there for male services?

No. His child is cared for where he could have stepped in and supported the op with life and work. Like most dads do in a couple.

I have read your comments and you should have had more. You wouldn’t have been lucky you would have been entitled to it. As would your kids have been. Surely you wish better for other single parents?

What ever is the point of all this "let us consider..." when it's got bugger all to do with the situation you have created with this man.

Sorry you picked a loser who won't ever look after his child as a father. That's why you have to do his free childcare.

You aren't getting time off from parenting your own child because of the father you picked, and no amount of complaining about what you deserve changes that.

You do get significant CMS. If you want half your evenings to go out, maybe ask your family or hire a babysitter. At professional nanny rates, obvs.

@ChristmasCrumpet how sad that you think it’s down to the woman to ‘choose’ a decent partner to ensure he does right by his children. How about making men accountable, or is that too scary a thought for you? I’d like to have the option not to be stuck with a man I don’t want to be with, lest he doesn’t treat his children with respect.

Yes, I expect him to fund his absence rather than leaving women to pick up after him. I truly hope your dc aren’t female.

@ChristmasCrumpet and theerreeessss the misogyny I identified about an hour ago. Women like you actually make me feel sick. Are you not embarrassed to state such views on a female forum? 🤢

No. Not at all.

I take accountability for my decisions. Not pretend I wasn't responsible for my life choices and declare it all "the man's fault".

That, I would be embarrassed by.

So you don't think it's down to you to assess that the person you choose to bring life into the world with and raise the child, is up to the job. Goes a long way to explain how you're in this situation.

There are shit men out there. There are shit women too. You don't just procreate with one and shrug off your part in that with "well they should be a fantastic parent" because everyone should be. Everyone isn't. And we all know that.

He is funding his absence. For 50% of your child's needs you received £1k and now, just under £600, monthly. Hardly pennies. Yet you still complain because you could have to pay for childcare on your nights out, and feel irked that you don't get 50% of your time away from your child.

How about making yourself accountable for your choices. You picked him. Yeah, he's the loser. You still decided you wanted a child with him though.

Cut her some slack. Paying more than half your wages in childcare is soul destroying.
Do you work? If you are a sahm and he's paying you a significant amount of money, she could be envious of you...but I think that envy is coming from a place of struggle on her part. She's maybe feeling burnt out from work
And also fed up of being skint. Maybe she can't afford for her child/children to do more activities, and your comment has triggered her.
Just be supportive. End the friendship if that support is not reciprocated though.

Food vouchers? That's news to me as a single parent. I've never had food vouchers in my life!

It's absolutely not a privilege. It's sad that people think fathers paying for their kids is a privilege. Just because your bar is low doesn't mean everyone else's is.

@ChristmasCrumpet

Oh FFS. You need some more brain cells because you seem to be seriously lacking. Do you honestly think men come with a neon sign flashing "I'm abusive and a shit dad, stay away"? 😂

Most dead beat baby daddies are complete gents until they have their feet under the table Eg you are pregnant.

Not only are you misogynistic, but you also victim blame too. What a fine specimen of a human you are 😬

@Beezknees

👏👏👏👏👏

The bar is in absolute hell right now without women pushing it lower!

No they aren't. You're just bitter and jealous.

Winds me right up. It's women like her that allow men to crow about doing the bare minimum. Damaging to womankind.

@Beezknees

Paying for your kids isn't even the bare minimum, it's a legal requirement.

Bare minimum is having them every other weekend and knowing what their damn shoe size is!

It's so bloody depressing reading this thread. I can't believe some people aren't embarrassed by the shit they spout. Bowing to the patriarchy. Ugh.

Context matters. You get a lot of cm, say you earn well too and maybe uc? She is married and pays prob using tax free childcare. It sounds quite likely you have more disposable income than them as a couple.

Completely agree, OP. You're 'friend' isn't a deep thinker is she? Money is only part of the challenge in bring kids up as a single parent.

@ChristmasCrumpet its not the responsibility of anyone, except the individual, to do right by their child. I am not responsible for DS’s father’s actions by failing some ‘assessment’ you have decided is on me to carry out correctly to ensure my child is provided for.

I’m genuinely really sorry for you that you carry these views about women and presumably then too about yourself. We should all stand up to make men accountable in their role as a parent.

It was a stupid comment from your friend. That's a large chunk to reduce cm by so i imagine its going to be a bit difficult. I'm assuming he must have a good job so if you were still together he would be paying for a lot of activities as well as childcare plus you'd get some free time.

Thanks @RMNofTikTok

@ChristmasCrumpet its likely you will at some point in your life be influenced by the work DS’s dad does. I can assure you had you met him in any capacity, you’d have thought he’d be a brilliant father. But again, that’s not the point. I reiterate that the only person responsible for their actions as a parent is that person.