To end a friendship over this comment about CM?

[Jupp1]

My partner left me and ds when he was 2 weeks old. I immediately put in a claim for CM as I was on maternity leave and desperate. At the time ex had to pay me 970 a month (three years ago). This paid my mortgage and effectively allowed me to take the full year of maternity leave as I had some savings myself too.

Anyway it’s three years later, he has sod all to do with us and his payments have gone down to 580. I know this is a chunk of money but please don’t comment that I should be grateful (I see that comment a lot on here!)… I do absolutely everything for ds so he’s effectively paying me a tiny amount towards what he should be doing practically. But this isn’t about that…

I made a throwaway comment that I was going to find it more difficult now the payments have reduced and I might have to re assess what ds can do activity wise etc. My friend jumped in almost before I had finished speaking and said at least I had the first early years effectively paid for in full as I never had to worry about nursery cost like she had to do it was a luxury, (she’s married!) and now what I’m getting ‘surely covers’ all the basics ds needs.

I keep going over it and wondering if it was meant to be supportive but the way she said it and the comment about her having to worry about nursery but not me? I struggled massively in those first three years and it didn’t feel like a luxury…!! I am so disappointed she has said this and feel really uncomfortable seeing her again. AIBU?

And you are part of the non-payment of maintenance problem. Privilege my backside.

I’m part of the problem but my ex who owes thousands and has 2 liability orders and still gets away with it isn’t.
yes I’m jealous that someone gets cm that would literally pay 50% of everything, of course I am.

@ChristmasCrumpet - how do you have twins in nursery costing £580/month just due to the free hours/tax free childcare? you also state your husband earns too much for you to qualify for benefits…

I have one child in nursery on 30 free hours and use the 20% and it still costs me around £700/month. so somethings not adding up here…I’m guessing you don’t work and your DH has other children you resent paying anything towards and their mother should have to right?

Why not think back to when you were a single mother and imagine being told you were losing hundreds Per month and being told you shouldn’t be upset about it…

I mean, that's a lovely speech, but for those of us in the real world....

According to you, there could be a man with two kids he doesn't see, doesn't pay for, is a deadbeat. And you could stroll up, see all this, actively get pregnant by him...then act like you played no part in your kid having a deadbeat dad.

Please.

Are you a deadbeat dad? No.
Did you pick a shit father for your kid and now don't like that your kid's got a shit father? Yes.

And the gaslighting by other PP calling this "victim blaming" is disgusting. It's called being accountable. The victim is the child, absolutely not OP.

OP thinks she's faultless in all this. Never going to see otherwise.

The bill adds up perfectly thanks. And I didn't say it was £580. It's less than £580. How yours is £700 for one child using the 30 free hours is beyond me. That's more than £150 extra per week on top of the 30 free hours. But maybe you picked an expensive nursery, eh.

Ours only go 4 days a week.

I do volunteer work.

DH hasn't got other kids.

I referred back to being a single mother. With much more CMS than OP was getting. This, plus all the money the government pile on you, plus my wages, I have already explained, was a huge sum. Losing £100 a week would have been annoying but nothing more than that. Same as OP.

The actual issue for op is that she can't be child free for 50% of the time. She doesn't want her child full time, so because she has too, she thinks ex should be able pay for someone to have the child in the evenings as well so she can go out.

That's what this is about. He's moved on, going out etc, and she's pissed that she has to look after the child every night and can't get out dating. And thinks he should be funding evening childcare so she can.

Yep but not too bad once you factor in her half too right?

I'm really surprised at a lot of the posts. When did a single mum become lucky and privileged if child's father pays maintenance for his own child?

I'd just refrain from discussing CM with her again.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt. She has minimised a huge experience in your life, being left with a 2 week old baby and having to find your feet alone, of which finances were just a part.
Usually people are insensitive to others situations when they don't feel their own struggle has been acknowledged. She will have had her own struggles, even with a husband by her side.
That's when the 'at least you...' comments come in.
I'd evaluate what kind of friend you see her as. If emotional safety and maturity is something that's a deal breaker for you, try and discuss it.
Or classify her as a different type of friend, that you don't share your business with.

@ChristmasCrumpet So you volunteer meaning your 30 free hours are term time only right? most of us don’t have the option of doing that as we work the full year so have to spread the hours out.

You seem incapable of seeing past your own life experience

@KaySararSarar I am sceptical as to whether @ChristmasCrumpet is a woman. Either way, rather than volunteering it might be better to educate yourself a little more on these topics.

No, I do it all year round. So my 30hrs are spread all year too.

You're really quite bad at your assumptions aren't you. This is the 5th you've got wrong.

Thinking you're actually entitled to get paid 6mths worth of evening and overnight childcare so you can live your life with no responsibility for a child 50% of the time, when you are in fact a mother, does not suggest to me that I'm the one lacking in education.

And the number of thanks my posts are receiving, suggest that whilst you may have a couple of sidekicks on this thread, many find your level of self entitlement ridiculous.

Keep declaring what you think you deserve, by all means. You aren't entitled to it, and you aren't going to get it. But that seems to pass you by.

@ChristmasCrumpet its not being entitled to expect a parent to do 50% of their parenting share, or if they refuse to do it practically, to pay for that. That’s called one parent does 50%, the other does 50%. Why do you expect women to do more than half?

I haven't RTFT but you sound quite young in some
of your replies so this may be part of it however you are clearly making judgments about your friend having it easy as she is married and yet you want to end a friendship over her making a comment you didn't like.

Fathers who are married to the mothers of their children don't necessarily contribute 50% or more financially or do more than 50% of the housework and childcare. You are generalising massively with you "she's married" that you seek quite naive.

She may be being financially abused.