To end a friendship over this comment about CM?

[Jupp1]

My partner left me and ds when he was 2 weeks old. I immediately put in a claim for CM as I was on maternity leave and desperate. At the time ex had to pay me 970 a month (three years ago). This paid my mortgage and effectively allowed me to take the full year of maternity leave as I had some savings myself too.

Anyway it’s three years later, he has sod all to do with us and his payments have gone down to 580. I know this is a chunk of money but please don’t comment that I should be grateful (I see that comment a lot on here!)… I do absolutely everything for ds so he’s effectively paying me a tiny amount towards what he should be doing practically. But this isn’t about that…

I made a throwaway comment that I was going to find it more difficult now the payments have reduced and I might have to re assess what ds can do activity wise etc. My friend jumped in almost before I had finished speaking and said at least I had the first early years effectively paid for in full as I never had to worry about nursery cost like she had to do it was a luxury, (she’s married!) and now what I’m getting ‘surely covers’ all the basics ds needs.

I keep going over it and wondering if it was meant to be supportive but the way she said it and the comment about her having to worry about nursery but not me? I struggled massively in those first three years and it didn’t feel like a luxury…!! I am so disappointed she has said this and feel really uncomfortable seeing her again. AIBU?

That’s not what the friend said though, was it?

and now what I’m getting ‘surely covers’ all the basics ds needs

The thing is CM isn’t means tested against universal credit. Some people like me get nothing and just use my top up of universal credit to support my DC. I think what you get is a lot, so yes I wouldn’t want to hear you complain. However I understand it’s a drop for you and I get it will affect you, but just be more mindful that other people might not be in a good financial position.

How many families spend £970 or even £580 per month for each child. But that's what the OP gets so surely the friend is right- it is enough for one child.

In any event OP should heed the fact that it has been reduced by £400 a month.
You can't rely on it. If he loses his job she gets nothing. If he has more children, it's reduced further. At 18 years old it stops.

Better to factor in not having the money at all.

The OP has to provide a suitable home , heating , food , clothes etc for the child - it soon mounts up .

Why do some on MN set the bar so low for absent parents’ financial contributions? Which should the RP be grateful ?

I shall try to do better and follow your example of calm maturity.

You don’t really sound like the sort of person that anyone couldn’t say their honest view with. You’re wanting to end the friendship over this comment and have said in your post that people commenting shouldn’t say certain things.

Yanbu, @Jupp1 . We'd struggle in the house if either DH or my wage went down to £570, as I'm sure your friend would too.

She must realise that she is in a better situation with pooled income and resources than being single, even with a relatively high CM payment.

You should never be grateful for a parent grudgingly fulfilling their legal minimum of responsibility.

Firstly nobody should be grateful for getting maintenance. Its a legal right from the other parent.

I think your friend was being supportive in a clumsy way.

Yes but if she didn't have a child would she not need a home or to pay bills? The biggest expenses she'd pay anyway.

You didn't say if you spend £970 or £580 a month per child?

You’re adding your own incorrect context to my comment. My observation is not a criticism of the OP.

I feel people just try to make you see the positives of CM even when there aren’t any, I get £7 a month for my children even though I also do everything for them (he’s not involved) I posted on here and got told at least I could buy them an ice cream once a week or a packet of crisps 😂 maybe she was just trying to get you to see the positives?

Strange comparison. If she didn’t have a child she would have zero responsibility to anyone and only herself. Therefore could live however she chose. As it is she has a child with this “man” and they should both ensure there is a safe and stable home for their child. That’s what the money is for.

The state of some people on here thinking women should be grateful to get anything from a NRP.

Like the only costs associated with raising a child are the milk and nappies.

Like being a solo parent is a walk in the park, and that living alone is somehow exactly half the cost of living in a couple.

I was SOOO much better off in a couple, financially. The house we could afford together was magnificent, and I was paying less (at 50% of all bills) by miles than I am now as a solo parent in a tiny house that’s literally falling down. I mean, he was abusive and I had to leave to keep my child safe, but carry on thinking the tiny percentage of his income he legally has to give me is a massive treat I should be grateful for.

Yes but it would cost far less.

I'm a lone parent. I have a 2 bedroom flat. If I was single with no dependents, I would live in a bedsit for £250 a month less. My heating, water and electricity costs would all drop, and my food bill would more than halve. The whole "pay for bills anyway" completely ignores the fact that you need a larger property with a whole other bedroom for a child than you do as a single person.

YANBU at all anyway.

Maintenance is based on the NRP income, as it well should.

If you are part of a couple you have far more flexibility regarding working and earnings than lone parents do. And if you have a partner that is useless, you still have the choice to leave.

Not comparable no. Can be equally tough in different ways.

You've completely ignored all the care a new baby needs, it's not just nappies and formula. So either the OP had to not work or would have had to fund childcare. Full-time childcare for a newborn would have been over 1k a month and the OP was probably losing more than 1k a month between mat pay and her standard salary.

Why do people always bang on about how cheap babies are and ignore the lost income of having to look after them?

And in married couples income is usually shared and the sahp is getting the benefit of mortgage/rent and bills being paid. Which was most people far exceeds 1k.

Sorry OP from her point of view, you complained that your diamond shoes were too tight to someone who is struggling to afford shoes.
This is why it's considered crass to talk about money with friends and you should never mention specific amounts.
Sounds like you're both a bit jealous of each other for different reasons though so maybe this friendship is dead in the water anyway.

See this is just bollocks. Do you think single and childfree people have no need or desire for a bigger property?

They never have relatives or friends visit. They never entertain?

I simply don't believe a single person would live in a bedsit unless they had no choice.

It's galling how people with children think single people don't want or need anything but the bare minimum. Or you're bending it to suit your logic.

And this is why people shouldn’t discuss money. If you start talking about it, then they are entitled to their opinion even if you disagree. I wouldn’t end a friendship over it.

Op, it sounds like your friend may have made the same mistake as lots of posters here. It sounds like a lot of ‘extra’ money, but it pays for rent contributions, bills, food etc. it’s not 1k just for soft play and baby classes is it?

If that's the friend's pov then she's a bit of a bitch. No amount of child maintenance makes up foe the fact the OP never gets a break, there is no body to hand baby to while she has a shower, no one to change a nappy or do a night waking. If she's ill, tough shit, she still has to do all parenting. Having 1k in cm doesn't come close to equalling a second income coming into the house nor does it fill the gap of having an absent parent.

Same situation.my DD now 33 but we revieved milk voucher for same when she was little. That's it. Oh and 5p week from DD dad. Living it up eh?

Here's a radical idea: pipe up to your friend and explain why you disagree with her comments/find them offensive.