Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a friendship over this comment about CM?

191 replies

Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 08:20

My partner left me and ds when he was 2 weeks old. I immediately put in a claim for CM as I was on maternity leave and desperate. At the time ex had to pay me 970 a month (three years ago). This paid my mortgage and effectively allowed me to take the full year of maternity leave as I had some savings myself too.

Anyway it’s three years later, he has sod all to do with us and his payments have gone down to 580. I know this is a chunk of money but please don’t comment that I should be grateful (I see that comment a lot on here!)… I do absolutely everything for ds so he’s effectively paying me a tiny amount towards what he should be doing practically. But this isn’t about that…

I made a throwaway comment that I was going to find it more difficult now the payments have reduced and I might have to re assess what ds can do activity wise etc. My friend jumped in almost before I had finished speaking and said at least I had the first early years effectively paid for in full as I never had to worry about nursery cost like she had to do it was a luxury, (she’s married!) and now what I’m getting ‘surely covers’ all the basics ds needs.

I keep going over it and wondering if it was meant to be supportive but the way she said it and the comment about her having to worry about nursery but not me? I struggled massively in those first three years and it didn’t feel like a luxury…!! I am so disappointed she has said this and feel really uncomfortable seeing her again. AIBU?

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/11/2023 19:31

I think sometimes there is an attitude that if someone is working or in a couple they must be better off financially. I know people on benefits who have a much better standard of living than I do, and it is hard to take at times. Maybe that is where she was coming from?

Original poster
Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 19:40

@Atethehalloweenchocs I am not sure I do have a better standard of living that her to be honest.

Though I am not sure why it would be hard for you to take that I could be better off than you as a single parent?

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 04/11/2023 19:46

YANBU.

If mothers decided they suddenly couldn't afford to feed and clothe their children, we'd be charged with child neglect. It's not unreasonable to expect parents to pay a healthy amount for children they have PR for.

It's also not a race to the bottom! Just because someone receives less, or nothing, doesn't mean you should be grateful!

I'd be questioning why his income has dropped by almost half to be honest, if his income doesn't match his lifestyle I'd be asking FIU to have a look at it.

ChristmasCrumpet · 04/11/2023 19:50

Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 19:14

Well I wish I hadn’t started this thread tbh!

Thank you to the posters who actually recognise that if our child’s father did 50% of care and wanted to outsource it, he wouldn’t get it for 580 or even 970 a month! Yet I am supposed to just carry on, do it all, and be enormously grateful for the money he throws at me for my time.

The poster who said I would get zero if he suddenly wanted a relationship… I would be relieved if he started acting like the middle aged man that he is and stepped up to his responsibilities.

You think he wouldn't get two weeks of nursery for £580 a month?

RMNofTikTok · 04/11/2023 19:52

@ChristmasCrumpet

Considering that most nurseries are verging on £70 a day, no.

Besides that, he'd also need to pay for food, clothes, a bigger house, higher energy bills, and his earnings capacity would be vastly decreased.

Original poster
Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 19:53

ChristmasCrumpet · 04/11/2023 19:50

You think he wouldn't get two weeks of nursery for £580 a month?

Show quote history

@ChristmasCrumpet

Its not just nursery hours, is it?! Or would he be allowed to leave his child to fend for themselves in the evening and overnight? 😂

And no, absolutely wouldn’t get even half a month of nursery childcare for 580 either.

OP posts:
ChristmasCrumpet · 04/11/2023 19:58

RMNofTikTok · 04/11/2023 19:52

@ChristmasCrumpet

Considering that most nurseries are verging on £70 a day, no.

Besides that, he'd also need to pay for food, clothes, a bigger house, higher energy bills, and his earnings capacity would be vastly decreased.

We've got twins in nursery. With the subsidised hours that all 3yr olds get, and tax free childcare their combined bill is less than £580. And now they're bringing in more free hours, sooner.

If OP is on UC, she gets 85% of this paid for her. Don't know if she is or not.

ChristmasCrumpet · 04/11/2023 20:01

Since when did parents looking after their own child in the evening equate this to the value of a night nanny??

It's like saying I cook for my family (including DH) so I should be getting some form of remuneration, or at least consider my services akin to a private chef.

And the sub £580 nursery bill, for the twins, is for a month

RMNofTikTok · 04/11/2023 20:02

@ChristmasCrumpet so you think the government should pay for life rather than dead beat baby daddies?

How's that internalised misogyny working out for you?

ChristmasCrumpet · 04/11/2023 20:03

RMNofTikTok · 04/11/2023 20:02

@ChristmasCrumpet so you think the government should pay for life rather than dead beat baby daddies?

How's that internalised misogyny working out for you?

Yes. That's exactly what I said. Glad you understood it so well...

Original poster
Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 20:06

ChristmasCrumpet · 04/11/2023 20:01

Since when did parents looking after their own child in the evening equate this to the value of a night nanny??

It's like saying I cook for my family (including DH) so I should be getting some form of remuneration, or at least consider my services akin to a private chef.

And the sub £580 nursery bill, for the twins, is for a month

@ChristmasCrumpet you sound quite young?! I’m not sure why you’re not understanding but I will try again…

As ex has decided not to look after his child, if our child was left with him, he would have to outsource this care and pay for it. That would include a nanny, wouldn’t it? Remember he and I are no longer in a relationship so it isn’t the same as him asking family members to look after his child on his time. Society allows him to opt out and women pick up the pieces. 580 is nowhere near what he would spend if he had to formally outsource this care for half a month, every month. Hope that’s dumbed it down enough for you to digest!

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 04/11/2023 20:22

Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 20:06

@ChristmasCrumpet you sound quite young?! I’m not sure why you’re not understanding but I will try again…

As ex has decided not to look after his child, if our child was left with him, he would have to outsource this care and pay for it. That would include a nanny, wouldn’t it? Remember he and I are no longer in a relationship so it isn’t the same as him asking family members to look after his child on his time. Society allows him to opt out and women pick up the pieces. 580 is nowhere near what he would spend if he had to formally outsource this care for half a month, every month. Hope that’s dumbed it down enough for you to digest!

Show quote history

I have a feeling @ChristmasCrumpet’s dh has other children and they don’t pay a penny!

Ywlala92 · 04/11/2023 20:24

you sound quite young?! I’m not sure why you’re not understanding but I will try again…
Hope that’s dumbed it down enough for you to digest!

How bitchy!!

Nanny0gg · 04/11/2023 20:24

Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 19:14

Well I wish I hadn’t started this thread tbh!

Thank you to the posters who actually recognise that if our child’s father did 50% of care and wanted to outsource it, he wouldn’t get it for 580 or even 970 a month! Yet I am supposed to just carry on, do it all, and be enormously grateful for the money he throws at me for my time.

The poster who said I would get zero if he suddenly wanted a relationship… I would be relieved if he started acting like the middle aged man that he is and stepped up to his responsibilities.

I don't think you should be 'grateful'

He's a father, he should act like one.

But do you know your friend's circumstances? Really?

Maybe she's struggling too? It's not the sole preserve of the single parent

Chichimcgee · 04/11/2023 20:27

That is a huge chunk of money, if you were struggling with nearly a grand child maintenance and are worried about it dropping to over £500 maybe you should look at your budget and see where it actually goes?

Original poster
Jupp1 · 04/11/2023 20:27

Chichimcgee · 04/11/2023 20:27

That is a huge chunk of money, if you were struggling with nearly a grand child maintenance and are worried about it dropping to over £500 maybe you should look at your budget and see where it actually goes?

@Chichimcgee It doesn’t go far when you are paying for nursery on top of everything else.

OP posts:
Differentstarts · 04/11/2023 20:29

Never talk about money, do you moan about money problems a lot to your friend, one of my friends use to always moan about how hard up they where and their financial struggles to the point I would pay for drinks or food out ect it then came out they where bringing in more then triple what me and my partner where and that they where just bad with money.

Beckafett · 04/11/2023 20:31

People do not have a clue what it's like to be a single parent with no emotional, physical or financial support.
I wouldn't end the friendship but I'd have to say why I was so annoyed.

Chichimcgee · 04/11/2023 20:31

It’s your choice to pay out for nursery and live the way you’re living though.
you seem very bitter and resentful of your friend being when at the end of the day you get the equivalent of some people’s complete take home pay on top of benefits and money from working etc

saffronsoup · 04/11/2023 20:34

RMNofTikTok · 04/11/2023 19:46

YANBU.

If mothers decided they suddenly couldn't afford to feed and clothe their children, we'd be charged with child neglect. It's not unreasonable to expect parents to pay a healthy amount for children they have PR for.

It's also not a race to the bottom! Just because someone receives less, or nothing, doesn't mean you should be grateful!

I'd be questioning why his income has dropped by almost half to be honest, if his income doesn't match his lifestyle I'd be asking FIU to have a look at it.

No, they wouldn't. They can collect benefits and get government support with childcare and housing and food vouchers. You are very naive if you think that all women earn the money to provide all needs for their children. There are many mothers who contributed far less than £580 of their own earned cash each month to their children.

cansu · 04/11/2023 20:37

I think you need to put the comment aside. I think disparity in money and circumstances can be tricky to negotiate. Just let it lie and steer clear of discussing this kind of thing with your friend. She may well be less well off than you. It is not worth losing a friendship over.

Countdowntowhat · 04/11/2023 20:37

She sounds like a rude idiot 🤷‍♀️ dotch her or forgive her, your call.

Always amazes me when people treat child maintenance like a privilege. Dimwits the lot of them.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/11/2023 20:38

I think only you can understand the intent behind her comment, but tbh, those who've never been in the situation (from either side) really cannot fathom it. To them, they just see an amount of money coming into your household that they aren't getting, because it doesn't register that they have a two parent family and if they both work, then both salaries would be coming in. They also can't fathom that even if you're getting £££ and have it completely plain sailing from a financial perspective, parenting solo is vastly different than having a partner to lean on. It's even vastly different to amicably co-parenting to having to do it the way you are because the father is not interested.

I wouldn't cut her off, but I would try and not discuss money with her anymore. Unless you're willing to explain everything to her.

saffronsoup · 04/11/2023 20:39

So OP, lets say your child goes to live with his father full time for whatever reason. What do you feel would be a reasonable amount for you to pay out of pocket out of your monthly salary to your ex for CM? And how much would that leave you to live on yourself after paying that amount?

Chichimcgee · 04/11/2023 20:40

It is a privilege!
thousands of people don’t get any maintenance at all or any support or help!
£580 a month is a hell of a lot regardless of where it comes from and when it’s on top of everything else as well. I can see how her friend got frustrated.