To end a friendship over this comment about CM?

[Jupp1]

My partner left me and ds when he was 2 weeks old. I immediately put in a claim for CM as I was on maternity leave and desperate. At the time ex had to pay me 970 a month (three years ago). This paid my mortgage and effectively allowed me to take the full year of maternity leave as I had some savings myself too.

Anyway it’s three years later, he has sod all to do with us and his payments have gone down to 580. I know this is a chunk of money but please don’t comment that I should be grateful (I see that comment a lot on here!)… I do absolutely everything for ds so he’s effectively paying me a tiny amount towards what he should be doing practically. But this isn’t about that…

I made a throwaway comment that I was going to find it more difficult now the payments have reduced and I might have to re assess what ds can do activity wise etc. My friend jumped in almost before I had finished speaking and said at least I had the first early years effectively paid for in full as I never had to worry about nursery cost like she had to do it was a luxury, (she’s married!) and now what I’m getting ‘surely covers’ all the basics ds needs.

I keep going over it and wondering if it was meant to be supportive but the way she said it and the comment about her having to worry about nursery but not me? I struggled massively in those first three years and it didn’t feel like a luxury…!! I am so disappointed she has said this and feel really uncomfortable seeing her again. AIBU?

If you don't want people's opinion of your finances then don't talk about your finances with them.
You opened the topic up for her opinion when you raised it.

I would end the friendship. You dont need that type of 'friend'. I will never forget many years ago after leaving my sexist misogynistic ex, one of my closest friends commented in his favour and she didnt even know him really. I didn't pull her up on it - I just quietly distanced myself. She did reach out to me for some time. I see her around very occasionally these days and Im happy with hi & basic brief chit chat. But thats it.

We do not need to over analyse these things or agonise over what we should do. If someone doesnt make you feel good, is judgmental, critical etc then it's absolutely fine to remove yourself from their circle. Life goes on.

It sounds like a bit of a thoughtless comment from her. Perhaps it's worth telling her how it made you feel. Maybe don't discuss finances with her again. I wouldn't end a friendship over it.

I think you may have completely missed the point about this reply. You’ve completely blown up about something which has nothing to do with the op.

i had a colleague who was seemingly jealous about working tax credit, because that hadnt been available in her day.

just move on and ignore, dont share so much information.

just be more mindful that other people might not be in a good financial position

Yes, OP. Know your place. How dare you, a single parent, expect to be anywhere other than the bottom of the shit pile that is life.

We are living in tough times. No one living on one income should feel unable to express frustration with the world today.

And I say that as a single parent of some 15 years who has never received a penny in maintenance.

Bingo.

Your comment was equally poor, OP.

And of course not everyone who is married has a supportive partner either. Some people are better off single with CM being paid.

Sounds like a little bit of saltiness that you got to stay at home longer than she did and a bit of trying to get you to see how lucky you are, by the sounds of it.

If they're both working full time and struggling financially then I can see how she might get a bit snippy, even if it's a bit unfair.

Probably best to not discuss exact financials with friends, OP. Nothing wrong with talking about the stresses of a reduction etc but they don't need to know by how much.

I think it depends how close you are and what sort of things you normally talk about. If what she is saying is that the chunk of money you are getting for your child should cover her 'living expenses' then that doesn't sound unreasonable. I think you're hurt that she seems to not appreciate the emotional and mental burden you take on as a single parent.....every single day 24/7 with no end anytime soon. That must be hard.
If she's an otherwise decent person, remember the conversation was around finances, not how you struggle or what is/isn't fair. Her input doesn't sound unreasonable. I'm sure if you were to speak with her at a different time about other aspects of your life she'd be sympathetic. Next time she mentions her OH 'doing something' for the family point out how you would live that too.

Of course your ex should contribute, but being a single parent doesn’t make you automatically in a worse position than anyone else

But in the majority of cases having a partner in difficult financial times gives you options. You can raise more money by working around each other, juggle dropping off and picking up. There's someone at home to put the bins out or unload the dishwasher or run a hoover round.

Of course there are situations where people are better off single. And of course there are high earning single parents with loads of family support. But the average earning single parent is always going to find things more difficult than an average earning couple who work together as a team. Expressing upset at a so-called friend's crass comment is totally reasonable and the OP shouldn’t have had to put up with the ridiculous 'always someone worse off' comments or thinly veiled anger that single parents might struggle when there are decent families out there struggling too. I mean seriously, why not just be supportive or if you feel you can't be supportive, move on without saying anything at all?

What makes you think her partner is supportive?
He could be one of the many men that are utterly useless behind closed doors.
As pointed out by other posters his income after tax might not be much more than £970 in total.
I think you have assumed your friend is in a much better position than you and felt free to complain about your circumstances and this has hit a nerve for her.
I am married and certainly couldn't afford a years maternity leave, being married doesn't automatically make life a breeze.

It's about CHOICE. Single parents have no choice.

There are tons of posts on mumsnet from women who want to leave their partners, but can't afford to. They'd rather stay with a useless partner than be single parents. So they obviously don't think being single is better.

There's a lot of people, one set of in-laws is one, my eldest DD is another, who don't appreciate that being in a couple makes life easier, financially, especially over time. If people are in shit relationships, then do something about it, don't take it out on other people. My LP DD gets a lot of support from our family, so my GC are doing as well and better than some children growing up in two adult households. But her life is still a lot more compromised than a Mum in a good relationship. We should let our friends have a moan, or you aren't a friend. There was no need for her to bat it back.

They do.

Of course they don't. It would be incredibly cruel to live in a place without sufficient space for a child. Adults have the choice, it's not always a great choice but it's there.

Rubbish

Being a single parent is far harder when you have to do it all yourself. It's never ending, 24/7 for some. Absolutely incomparable to being able to share the load practically, mentally and financially.

Being a single parent is hard, no matter your income, but being a broke single parent is really fucking hard. You and your friend sound like you want a ‘who’s had it worse’ competition. I’ll tell you the answer, neither of you.

I would imagine she is struggling financially and hated leaving her little one so is a bit envious of you. She won't be thinking about the fact that you've been doing it all on your own (cooking, night feeds etc). People can be a bit self centred when they are feeling shit about themselves. If she's a good friend then cut her some slack and let it go.

Is this really the type of stuff people end friendships over?!

I wouldn't. It's OK to disagree with people and give your opinion. And guess what, you can even argue with friends and come out fine the other side too.

Well I wish I hadn’t started this thread tbh!

Thank you to the posters who actually recognise that if our child’s father did 50% of care and wanted to outsource it, he wouldn’t get it for 580 or even 970 a month! Yet I am supposed to just carry on, do it all, and be enormously grateful for the money he throws at me for my time.

The poster who said I would get zero if he suddenly wanted a relationship… I would be relieved if he started acting like the middle aged man that he is and stepped up to his responsibilities.

Can see both your points of view, just try and discuss it with her, you don’t have to agree on everything

My friend would be enormously grateful for £500+ because the £250 a month she used to get in CM has just been reduced to £175.

You’re completely clueless. What are their choices? They are not the same as a single person with no child. No matter how much you think it is or how desperate you are to be offended by any comments on this thread. This is about a single mother.