To tell him to stick his budget up his jacksie

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

I will start off to say I am aware that I am in a fortunate position financially so don’t wish to offend anyone.
DP and I are on the same pay scale within the NHS, however he earns about £300 a month more than me due to overtime. The trust I work for discourages payment for extra hrs so I tend to take time back for extra hours worked. I am happy with this.
we have separate bank accounts but share finances. Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. Now the mortgage has finished we looked at finances again. When I say we, basically DP came up with a plan and decided it was a done deal.
i will say that we would like to retire early 60’s. (We both have around 30 years NHS pension. ) Me hopefully at 60, DP a bit older as he hasn’t enough years for full state pension till 62. I have worked since I was 16, DP qualified at 26. Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views. Despite having NHS Pension and I also have a small private pension we need to, in DP’s head to save a good portion of our wages a month. I agree that we do need to save and I do need raining in a bit as I’m a bit of a spender, however DP is going completely over the top.
Basically what he has decided is, I will continue to pay bills and all of the food shopping petrol spends for the month which according to his budget spreadsheet should be around £3200 per month. As that is £400 more than I will earn he will transfer that to me, plus £1100 to pay for house renovations (our house is falling down around our ears since we prioritised paying off the mortgage) and money for holidays. So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left. He transfers that straight into our pension fund. If I overspend on our food and spends budget then DP says I just need to use the money he transfers for house and holiday fund.
Also both of our children are in university but at home. The youngest wants to go into student accommodation next year as it’s a bit of a trash for her to travel to university every day. DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us. At the back of my mind I am thinking he’s not concerned about her leaving home but more concerned that it may cost us money. The oldest he is also refusing to help out and has set up a spreadsheet for any money she owes us.
This is all doing my head in. I have told him there is times when you can’t help going over budget. I am aware however that I need to rain my spending in. He has become totally fixated on saving money but I have told him he’s coming across as a Scrooge, especially surrounding helping the DC’s financially through university. Or is he and I am the one being unreasonable.

He sounds very tight and controlling.

Why is he allowed to get an idea in his head and everyone has to fall in line!?

He sounds a little obsessed and seems to have forgotten that life is for living NOW.

If you're going to reject his (ridiculous) budget then you'll need to propose your own.

I'd include money to support the kids at uni, individual spending money etc...

Present it to him in the same way he presented the budget to you. See what he says.

It's great to save for retirement but you also need to live too.

I think if he was my partner I’d explain that his attitude is very unappealing to me in a partner and that he’s at risk of having his precious retirement as a very lonely one as he will have driven his wife and children away.

im really not joking.

if he’s like this now - what is life going to look like as a retired couple.

And what’s the point of slaving away and pinching every penny to pay off mortgages etc when you can’t even relax, help out your children or enjoy life because of the rules he’s set.

Nope. Come up with an alternative budget or situation. Tell him where you agree to compromise spending/saving and what is non negotiable (like an enjoyable standard of living…).

I wouldn’t want someone like this coming near me and expecting any warmth or affection. I have the ick.

Are you unmarried?

PLEASE don’t agree.

Work out monthly outgoings and you each transfer £1100 or whatever into a joint account from which all bills are paid.

DO NOT put savings in a joint savings account with this man.

DO NOT trust this man to put £1700 in a pension each month.

Bills etc change all the time. There could be some months that are over budget.

You need a joint bank account for bills and mortgage etc with a little extra to cover unexpected stuff.

The rest is down to you individually to do as you please.

Depends where you are re- Uni, bit she should be able to apply for finance. I always give DD a bit extra!!

Het your spread sheet out and show him facts not feelings.

£3200 a month with no mortgage? Does that sound right to you! Interrogate the spreadsheet and each put half in for the bills. Then you can help your DC at uni, spend, save etc the rest of your wage. He can do what he likes with his

We are not married. I do trust him, we have been together 25 years and I have access to and can see how much is in our pension savings account.

I don’t understand parents who can afford to help their kids at Uni who choose not to. I budget £850 a month on a lot less income than you to support my son at Uni. He also received 8k from the Gov CTF stocks and shares investment when he turned 18 to use and manage himself as his emergency fund.

Do you have any say in your families affairs?

What do you mean about the eldest keeping a spreadsheet and not helping?

You earn £2800 your DH earns £3100 so £5900 minus £3200 all bills and DD leaves £2700 and he doesn’t want to help his kids in Uni! This is so mean 😪

When you say ‘our’ pension savings account, who’s name is it in and do you have access to it?

There no such thing as ‚our‘ pension account

How can you have a pension fund in two names?

If you're not married this sounds VERY financially dangerous for you. He's getting all the bills paid for him now whilst he's stuffing his pension. Sounds like a great deal for him! You might trust him now but things can unexpectedly change.

You earn £2800, he earns £3100.
You pay 47% of all joint expenses including bills, renovation and holidays and helping out kids at uni.
He pays the rest to make it proportional to earnings.
Anything left can be saved individually,
Pensions are never in joint names.

I’ve just realised what you meant and he’s keeping a spreadsheet of what the eldest owes while she is at University.

I feel for your children it’s not like you are on the breadline he just doesn’t see them as a priority.

Did he even help them with the cost of driving lessons?

I would tell him that you split the bills 50/50. Plus 50/50 into renovations. Then anything left is for each of you to spenf as you wish

Sorry for the confusion I meant it’s just a savings account in joint names that he calls pension fund.
I totally agree with helping kids out I think it’s what parents should do. He’s just obsessed at the minute down to even saying we can only have 1 coffee out a week. I used to get a coffee in the way to work in the morning, indulgent I know but gave me a bit of a pick me up before starting work in the morning.

This
You are not married. You have ZERO protection if he walks away after you've spent all your money on your joint bills while he pads his pension account.

Assuming it's just a savings account rather than a pension fund, as I don't think you can have a pension in joint names? If so, is it definitely a joint account? If it isn't then make sure it gets transferred to a joint named account asap.

I don't see the point in doing things his way. Have a joint bills account that you both pay equally into, and agree a sum that you both pay into the savings each month, making sure you have some left over for personal spending.

He has no right to budget your money so that you have nothing left for personal spending each month.

You can’t agree to this now it’s only going to get worse if you do.

You counter argue with your own budget.

Get the savings in a private pension as you will get 25% extra use this argument to get him to agree to help your kids in Uni.

Plus after 30 or more years in the NHS you will have a good pension and lump sum as you will be mostly on the 1995 scheme. Get a projection from the NHS business department it will help you plan.

Literally, just say no. No I am not paying all that money out without having even a small amount for myself, because I am not a prisoner. No, our children are entitled to be supported until they are earning their own money because we worked hard to ensure we had the money to give them, no spreadsheets, no you do not get to decide what is going to happen and inflict it on the rest of us. No, you are not the boss of me, nor the boss of our children.

Yes, buy him a bike and some Lycra, he needs a hobby.

He could clear out the savings account and you wouldn’t be able to do a thing about it as you’re unmarried.

Keep your savings separate!

I’d put half the household costs each into a joint account for bills. Half into an account for house repairs and half for holidays etc.

Then any left you can save or spend as you wish. Although I’d probably agree to put a set amount each month into my pension or long term savings account.

I wouldn’t have joint finances in your situation.

DH and I do have completely joint finances and I pay set amounts into our separate pensions each month. pension accounts aren’t joint.

whose name is the house in, since he has made it look like you haven't contributed to the mortgage?

Sorry I see you explained about the pension comment.

I still would make sure I had savings in my own name or a joint name. Not all in his name.