To tell him to stick his budget up his jacksie

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

I will start off to say I am aware that I am in a fortunate position financially so don’t wish to offend anyone.
DP and I are on the same pay scale within the NHS, however he earns about £300 a month more than me due to overtime. The trust I work for discourages payment for extra hrs so I tend to take time back for extra hours worked. I am happy with this.
we have separate bank accounts but share finances. Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. Now the mortgage has finished we looked at finances again. When I say we, basically DP came up with a plan and decided it was a done deal.
i will say that we would like to retire early 60’s. (We both have around 30 years NHS pension. ) Me hopefully at 60, DP a bit older as he hasn’t enough years for full state pension till 62. I have worked since I was 16, DP qualified at 26. Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views. Despite having NHS Pension and I also have a small private pension we need to, in DP’s head to save a good portion of our wages a month. I agree that we do need to save and I do need raining in a bit as I’m a bit of a spender, however DP is going completely over the top.
Basically what he has decided is, I will continue to pay bills and all of the food shopping petrol spends for the month which according to his budget spreadsheet should be around £3200 per month. As that is £400 more than I will earn he will transfer that to me, plus £1100 to pay for house renovations (our house is falling down around our ears since we prioritised paying off the mortgage) and money for holidays. So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left. He transfers that straight into our pension fund. If I overspend on our food and spends budget then DP says I just need to use the money he transfers for house and holiday fund.
Also both of our children are in university but at home. The youngest wants to go into student accommodation next year as it’s a bit of a trash for her to travel to university every day. DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us. At the back of my mind I am thinking he’s not concerned about her leaving home but more concerned that it may cost us money. The oldest he is also refusing to help out and has set up a spreadsheet for any money she owes us.
This is all doing my head in. I have told him there is times when you can’t help going over budget. I am aware however that I need to rain my spending in. He has become totally fixated on saving money but I have told him he’s coming across as a Scrooge, especially surrounding helping the DC’s financially through university. Or is he and I am the one being unreasonable.

He just says they need to save money for driving lessons. He comes out in a cold sweat and gets flustered when it comes to giving them money

Ick. Could not live like this.

Don't let him "take control" and remind him that you have as much say as he has.

The OP is a little bit confusing.
You can take NHS pension whenever you want, but need to do the sums carefully.
State pension can't be taken until around 66, soon to be 67, now, even if you have made your full contributions years earlier.
I took my NHS pension at 60, I had enough contributions for full state pension by the time I was mid 50s, but couldn't take it until my 66th birthday.
So if you retire early on the NHS pension, you have to manage on just that until you get to state pension age. Remember you pay tax on your pensions too.

I’m exhausted from reading the complexity of your finances.
Why not put it all into one account.
Transfer out anything you want to save.
Transfer out personal spending( the pub , cafe, whatever ) for each of you then use the joint account for everything.

Then dh won’t have control.
Im with you on the uni kids your dh is being a stingy so and so.
Take control of your life

You're absolutely insane. If he decides tomorrow to empty the savings account you've lost all that money.

Get a financial advisor in. Maybe he'll listen to a professional

But what will happen when you flat out refuse to follow his plan?

Frankly I'm astounded. You both earn good money but while I agree with forward thinking and planning I couldn't live in a house that now needs lots of work and without any spending for enjoyment

He knows there's no guarantee of tomorrow doesn't he?

He's borderline financially abusive. Are there other areas he's this controlling?

Sorry Op I think you have bigger issues here. Obviously the money thing is awful but his behaviour seems very extreme. My brother was like this - broke into a sweat at the thought of spending money and he really struggled with life/people and money was a real issue for him.

Are there other issues or just money?

Op are you going to give in to this madness ?

I had a cancer scare and surgery at the beginning of the year so part of me feels yes save but you need to enjoy life as well.

You’re not asking him to hand out money to random strangers. They’re his children. He’s a father. Parents support their children.
This is no way to live @Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat .

@Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat empty half of that savings account, it is misleading for him to call it a pension fund, it's not and if he is trying to control your finances you need to ring fence your fair share and then start again from scratch about how things are divided.
He is not your husband you are not protected financially and it seems he will not listen to you.
Protect yourself!

Did I read correctly that he is paying the mortgage alone and 50% of the Bill's?

He is needing to work longer to reach pension age?

There is something underlying this.

Perhaps he feels like he has "put in" more or is worried about his health or hates his job. I think something is driving this.

Take back control of your money and lay the law down. No DH dictates to me how ££ is spent. We share costs fairly and have our own pensions and savings. Suits me just fine.

Just tell him straight and make the point about having a better pension arrangement if he claims you know nothing. Stand up for yourself!

No you did not read it right.

YANBU. I would also be shoving his spreadsheet up his arse.

He sounds like a bully. You need to tell him he cannot bully you, and offer an alternative proposal for managing finances.

If you can’t agree, you either cave in and live the miserable small life he dictates, or you split.

But you'll be happy retiring 7 years early after all his planning?

OP can retire because she has full state ni credits and 30 or more years in the NHS he came to the party late at 26 and needs to continue working to get NI credits! The fact is he doesn’t want to help his kids at all and he expects to control all her money and spending. It’s financial abuse not planning. OP wants to help her kids out like parents are expected if they earn 100k between them and they are at Uni he doesn’t want to give them any support even though they have £2700 left after bills it’s miserly.

@Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat
of course it’s sensible to save but the best way is to still half the bills and agree an amount each month for saving . As others have stated you never know the future of a relationship and your not married . You need to have your own security. His way is very controlling .
You have to stand up to him .
I think it’s very sad he won’t support his kids through uni . Once you do that you know you have down your best and they are set to go off independently.
I know when health is involved you can feel vulnerable but you must not let your future choices be taken from you.

Say No .
Set aside £200 savings a month or what we’ve figure you can afford along side supporting the kids or stand up and say no I want us both to support our kids and ask for half.

You are naive to trust him
Whose name is the house in ?
What do your wills say?
Why is pension fund in a joint savings ? Either of you could take it all out tomorrow
Why wont he support dc at uni ?

You have to balance between living well in then "now" you have and in the future you might get.

Your DP is not getting that balance right at all.

It's, as a minimum, bordering on financial abuse (even if it comes from a place of being very stressed)

Agree.

Rather than you pay one thing and him another, what should be happening is the total of everything being worked out and then all income going into one account, paying all those bills and whatever is left is split between you 50:50. To do as you like with.

This doesn’t solve your issue of retirement though. Also it’s not clear from your post how much of a ‘Spender’ you are but at least if you had your own money each month once everything was paid it would be up to you to save or spend. This is how we budget in our household and we include some savings each month in our household budget which we treat like a bill to be paid really. You can add some in for your pensions aswell in the same way.

I suppose if you try and implement this - which is fair and is the only way of doing finances as a proper team (are you married???) the issue will be with your DH that he will resent subsidising you If he is earning more… the age old same issue. Thats the real battle you will have underneath all this I suspect !!! Then you have to decide how equal are you really and does he really respect you..

Op if your 'd'p walked off tomorrow you would be massively disadvantaged with no real recourse - yes legally you could contest things and people have successfully challenged such situations but it's costly and stressful. That's why marriage exists - it's a legal contract to protect the more vulnerable in the partnership.

You may well trust him, but all your eggs are in his basket and under his control and you're naive to think that's a safe option.

You're not married

You need separate savings accounts!

He sounds completely joyless tbh. The fact that you have to secretly help out your kids at uni is terrible - don't you have a say in what your joint money is spent on?