To tell him to stick his budget up his jacksie

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

I will start off to say I am aware that I am in a fortunate position financially so don’t wish to offend anyone.
DP and I are on the same pay scale within the NHS, however he earns about £300 a month more than me due to overtime. The trust I work for discourages payment for extra hrs so I tend to take time back for extra hours worked. I am happy with this.
we have separate bank accounts but share finances. Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. Now the mortgage has finished we looked at finances again. When I say we, basically DP came up with a plan and decided it was a done deal.
i will say that we would like to retire early 60’s. (We both have around 30 years NHS pension. ) Me hopefully at 60, DP a bit older as he hasn’t enough years for full state pension till 62. I have worked since I was 16, DP qualified at 26. Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views. Despite having NHS Pension and I also have a small private pension we need to, in DP’s head to save a good portion of our wages a month. I agree that we do need to save and I do need raining in a bit as I’m a bit of a spender, however DP is going completely over the top.
Basically what he has decided is, I will continue to pay bills and all of the food shopping petrol spends for the month which according to his budget spreadsheet should be around £3200 per month. As that is £400 more than I will earn he will transfer that to me, plus £1100 to pay for house renovations (our house is falling down around our ears since we prioritised paying off the mortgage) and money for holidays. So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left. He transfers that straight into our pension fund. If I overspend on our food and spends budget then DP says I just need to use the money he transfers for house and holiday fund.
Also both of our children are in university but at home. The youngest wants to go into student accommodation next year as it’s a bit of a trash for her to travel to university every day. DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us. At the back of my mind I am thinking he’s not concerned about her leaving home but more concerned that it may cost us money. The oldest he is also refusing to help out and has set up a spreadsheet for any money she owes us.
This is all doing my head in. I have told him there is times when you can’t help going over budget. I am aware however that I need to rain my spending in. He has become totally fixated on saving money but I have told him he’s coming across as a Scrooge, especially surrounding helping the DC’s financially through university. Or is he and I am the one being unreasonable.

Is it because you both want to retire early & href’s conscious that without cutbacks that’s not possible?

Are you married? Because otherwise he has done very nicely by being solely responsible for mortgage (building himself lots if lovely capital in the house in his sole name) whilst all your contribution has gone up in smoke as consumables....

In response to him saying he's "taken control", personally I'd show him the definition of financial abuse, and the sentencing the for it.

I know you trust him, but he's obviously becoming pretty irrational, so I would consider consulting a solicitor to see if there is anything you can do to protect yourself financially. It's not the bloody 1950's and "his way or the highway"!!

Whatever you decide, good luck. 💐

You say that he's putting money in a joint savings account that's to serve as a second pension?

Is this an ISA, preferably with a significant S&S component, or is it just cash savings? If it's the latter, then that's a mistake because you're missing out on either tax relief by putting into a personal pension, or from the interest/growth being tax free, so something to look at.

If you're likely to pay tax in retirement, there's not a huge difference between putting your money in a pension vs an ISA (pref S&S if you're saving for the longer term) although the pension can be advantageous if you're likely to pay higher rate tax, which could apply at the salaries you're on, especially due to the frozen tax bands. But you definitely don't want this money in cash savings, which if it's a joint account, it sounds like it must be, as I don't think you can get joint ISAs, the clue is in the name after all.

I agree that £3200 sounds like a lot for 'bills' if you're mortgage free but perhaps not if it includes a significant amount of non bills spending, eg eating out, generous food shopping budget, entertainment and money to support DC.

Plus I definitely question how much you really need to be saving for retirement when you have two decent NHS pensions that can be taken from 60 and you're likely to have the option of working PT to top up your income, plus you own your house and DC will be independent by then so your income needs will be lower.

The one thing that everyone seems to be ignoring is your question as to whether he is being unreasonable or whether you are OP, as you openly admit that you are 'a bit of a spender'. Only you and he know just how much of a spender you are, and if you both want to retire early, then it does make sense to save rather than constantly splurge your money on stuff that you probably don't actually need. Having said that, I wouldn't want anyone dictating to me how our joint money is to be spent/saved either. I suggest that you sit down TOGETHER, discuss what your aims are, which should include helping the kids through uni, and then making a joint plan as to how to make retirement as comfortable as possible. Oh, and of course it's never too late to get married, so after all these years together, if you want the security of being safer financially as you get older OP, it might be worth discussing tying the knot too!

Absolutely do not pay all the bills and leave him to 'save' for you. You are being set up to get screwed. If your not married you need your own seperate savings account.

You need to prioritise transferring half of all savings in joint names into your sole name. He should do the same as either one of you could screw the other one over.

Also whilst it's important to plan for the future, you also have to live now too. I work in care and the amount of people I care for who scrimped and saved and lived miserable lives for a retirement with their partner, only for their partner to die, or one of them get dementia or havea life-changing stroke etc is huge.

I'm sorry but you just can't trust somebody you're not married to in that way. You need to be very very careful about having things in your name as well.

Mine are about £600 maybe more with increased fuel.
But if he was paying half the bills surely he keeps doing that.
You'll have no life ....

I used ti get a monthly food delivery when my kids were at Uni abs other bits.
My son couldn't understand how some of his friends parent could help them , but wouldn't.
And then we wonder why care homes are full of people without any visitors...

At best you’re naive, at worst he’s financially abusing you. You don’t need a joint savings account.

Hes got too much power here.

He is completely ripping you off.

For perspective and maybe to show your husband how on a decreased budget you can still help your children. This is our budget. Like you we have NHS pensions all sorted so not too worried about adding into pensions. I work part time and my husband retired early. I can increase our take home by working more hours (self employed now) but we have decided to try and make it work as I am prioritising my health now. However, not at the expense of not supporting my child at all and I would work more hours if I had to. I am trying to find a balance.

My son passed his driving test at 17 and half years because we insured him on my husbands car (£300 for 1 year) and we did his driving lessons. I will give him my 2019 car when he finishes Uni maybe SORN it til then if we decide 1 car is enough now my DH has retired.

No mortgage, 2 cars (each 5 years old) owned outright and no debt. House needs 20k (new kitchen) spending on it if we were staying long term but as soon as our son has finished Uni we will downsize and at 50 I’m over house renovations. Hoping to give 50k to son for a house deposit when we downsize.

My husband and I enjoy walking in nature, and simple holidays like walking up a mountain or visiting historic buildings. We both did extensive travels in our teens and early twenties.

Take home per month 3230.00

910.00 fixed DD Bills (this is rounded up 50.00 to 100.00 goes into savings depending what the actual DD are that month)
200.00 holiday fund
100.00 house maintenance
100.00 car maintenance
250.00 fixed rate savings
150.00 savings hair/dentist/opticians
50.00 gym membership
100.00 Christmas/present fund
850.00 support son in Uni (5 or 6 year medical degree depending if he intercalates)
100.00 petrol
400.00 food for 2 adults (still bulk buy non perishables like tuna, beans, shampoo, toilet roll from Costco for son to take with him back to Uni).

TOTAL 3210.00

It’s to the bone but it is working.

Hope this helps and highlights how other families still save, enjoy their lives and also manage to help their children on much less income than you have. It’s all about priorities and your husband is being very controlling and self centred at the expense of his family.

The 50 to 100 left over from direct debits and the 20 surplus goes into savings for going out money and buying wine when it is on 25% off 6.

If mortgage is paid

You pay half the bills each
The left over money is for each of you to do what you want

He can save his if he wants

You can spend it on the children or yourself

But you need that money for yourself

Open up your own ISA or savings account in your name or premium bonds

You need to put your foot down now, not in 5 years time or 10 years time !

Legally, you are 2 single people

Take control !

£3200 bills sounds very high with no mortgage

Surely you both go 50/50 on essential household bills (food, utilities, transport, house maintenance etc..) and family costs then what is left is for each of you to spend as you wish.

An NHS pension is pretty decent. If he is concerned about the amount does the scheme allow additional voluntary contributions? If not he needs to talk to an IFA about the most effective way to create an additional retirement savings pot.

As others have pointed, out a basic savings account is not a pension scheme.

It sounds as if he is just hoarding cash as an anxiety reflex. If he really wants to prepare for retirement, if you house is a mess he should be prioritising big ticket house repairs while he is still earning.

Your kids will get minimum loan so you need to prioritise that right now in your life not all on pensions. Where’s your money for clothes / meeting friends for lunches / dinner out etc? I’d tell him life is for living, two of my colleagues died this year before retirement - both well under 60. He might have this plan, but you don’t agree with it it

He sounds condescending as fuck and is doing a money grab for himself.

I would not be having this. Especially as you're not protected financially if he takes his big pension pot, that you've allowed him to build up by paying for everything for all of you, and walks.

Thanks for everyone’s advice, pleased to think I AIBU in regards to this budget. Like I said before I do need to reign (not rain as I previously wrote🥴) my spending in, as I agree realistically over 3 k for bills, food, and spends seems a lot.
So if the DC’s are at home and you had my budget what would you be giving them. Would £100 a month each be fair.
I am looking as well to see solicitors as well to write our wills. DP reckons we can do it DIY.

If the university aged adults are at home - I’d be giving them nothing. They can learn to fend for themselves.

that’s not to say I wouldn’t help them with driving lessons, family days out etc.

id be buying enough food for the household etc. but I’d expect them to contribute if possible - or at least be able to manage their own mobile bills, bus/travel expenses etc.

But spending money - no.

Are they working or doing something to bring an income in?

Rein in, the reign with a g, is what Charles does, and rain is very wet 🙄

sorry, I think you are right not not agree with him

I have a friend married her husband scraped through university she has a PhD. We had lunch recently. I was so shocked that he controls both pensions. He said that she wouldn't understand finance. They're both in their seventies she has a little runabout car, he's just bought a high performance sports car two seater.

Frankly I gave her a good talking to because if he drops dead she's in the doodoo financially

Just tell him flat “no” this is not acceptable and give a counter-proposal eg joint account to pay all bills, house renovation etc which you both pay into. It is absolutely unacceptable that you should have no disposable income and he should be in charge of your earnings (which is what this amounts to). If your savings are in a joint account, do you have access to this? What is to stop him taking the lot to “protect it” from you in his mind.?

Frankly I get a bit tired of this me Tarzan you Jane rhetoric.

The head of a government loan agency conference that I attended said that he preferred to loan to a woman because she would work within the means of the home or company whereas if they loaned to a man he was off to land rover defender to order the latest version. While his wife was haggling over the cost of a waste paper basket