To tell him to stick his budget up his jacksie

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

I will start off to say I am aware that I am in a fortunate position financially so don’t wish to offend anyone.
DP and I are on the same pay scale within the NHS, however he earns about £300 a month more than me due to overtime. The trust I work for discourages payment for extra hrs so I tend to take time back for extra hours worked. I am happy with this.
we have separate bank accounts but share finances. Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. Now the mortgage has finished we looked at finances again. When I say we, basically DP came up with a plan and decided it was a done deal.
i will say that we would like to retire early 60’s. (We both have around 30 years NHS pension. ) Me hopefully at 60, DP a bit older as he hasn’t enough years for full state pension till 62. I have worked since I was 16, DP qualified at 26. Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views. Despite having NHS Pension and I also have a small private pension we need to, in DP’s head to save a good portion of our wages a month. I agree that we do need to save and I do need raining in a bit as I’m a bit of a spender, however DP is going completely over the top.
Basically what he has decided is, I will continue to pay bills and all of the food shopping petrol spends for the month which according to his budget spreadsheet should be around £3200 per month. As that is £400 more than I will earn he will transfer that to me, plus £1100 to pay for house renovations (our house is falling down around our ears since we prioritised paying off the mortgage) and money for holidays. So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left. He transfers that straight into our pension fund. If I overspend on our food and spends budget then DP says I just need to use the money he transfers for house and holiday fund.
Also both of our children are in university but at home. The youngest wants to go into student accommodation next year as it’s a bit of a trash for her to travel to university every day. DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us. At the back of my mind I am thinking he’s not concerned about her leaving home but more concerned that it may cost us money. The oldest he is also refusing to help out and has set up a spreadsheet for any money she owes us.
This is all doing my head in. I have told him there is times when you can’t help going over budget. I am aware however that I need to rain my spending in. He has become totally fixated on saving money but I have told him he’s coming across as a Scrooge, especially surrounding helping the DC’s financially through university. Or is he and I am the one being unreasonable.

Really? Did I come across as sarcastic @ToadOnTheHill I apologise it wasn't my intention.

FYI I neither feel big or clever but thanks for asking.

Are both NHS pensions plus your private pension not sufficient to live on?

He may be trying to financially protect you both from retirement penury but he's controlling. You've worked all your life so have as much right to decide/agree finances as your husband.

You definitely want to see an IFA (on your own, possibly later as a couple)

It sounds like he is being "fake poor" as my son calls it, acting like he's in financial dire straits while actually financially quite comfortable

Do you have access to the Joint Account savings in practice, rather than in theory? Will he hold the purse strings? I would sort this out now OP.

If I was you OP I would be more concerned about retirement with your DP than the here and now.
His constant controlling over day to day expenditure would do my head in really and would not make for a happy and peaceful retirement.

Have you considered nominating the kids, if there is possibly an issue with him providing for them after your death, or have you agreed to nominate each other/would this cause WW3? Maybe we’re all being unfair on your DP, but the set up (where on the face of it he looks as though he has solely contributed to the mortgage and savings and seems to have de facto control of both of these and you’re not married) is a bit concerning. Tell him you want to regularise it.

OP, glad you're meeting with a solicitor. I imagine they will warn you about the inheritance tax issue with being unmarried. Most importantly you definitely need to get wills sorted and ideally powers of attorney too. I'm surprised that he's so concerned about money and he hasn't thought about these things!

Agree.