To tell him to stick his budget up his jacksie

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

I will start off to say I am aware that I am in a fortunate position financially so don’t wish to offend anyone.
DP and I are on the same pay scale within the NHS, however he earns about £300 a month more than me due to overtime. The trust I work for discourages payment for extra hrs so I tend to take time back for extra hours worked. I am happy with this.
we have separate bank accounts but share finances. Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. Now the mortgage has finished we looked at finances again. When I say we, basically DP came up with a plan and decided it was a done deal.
i will say that we would like to retire early 60’s. (We both have around 30 years NHS pension. ) Me hopefully at 60, DP a bit older as he hasn’t enough years for full state pension till 62. I have worked since I was 16, DP qualified at 26. Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views. Despite having NHS Pension and I also have a small private pension we need to, in DP’s head to save a good portion of our wages a month. I agree that we do need to save and I do need raining in a bit as I’m a bit of a spender, however DP is going completely over the top.
Basically what he has decided is, I will continue to pay bills and all of the food shopping petrol spends for the month which according to his budget spreadsheet should be around £3200 per month. As that is £400 more than I will earn he will transfer that to me, plus £1100 to pay for house renovations (our house is falling down around our ears since we prioritised paying off the mortgage) and money for holidays. So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left. He transfers that straight into our pension fund. If I overspend on our food and spends budget then DP says I just need to use the money he transfers for house and holiday fund.
Also both of our children are in university but at home. The youngest wants to go into student accommodation next year as it’s a bit of a trash for her to travel to university every day. DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us. At the back of my mind I am thinking he’s not concerned about her leaving home but more concerned that it may cost us money. The oldest he is also refusing to help out and has set up a spreadsheet for any money she owes us.
This is all doing my head in. I have told him there is times when you can’t help going over budget. I am aware however that I need to rain my spending in. He has become totally fixated on saving money but I have told him he’s coming across as a Scrooge, especially surrounding helping the DC’s financially through university. Or is he and I am the one being unreasonable.

£3200 just on bills with no mortgage.

What do you have caviar and champagne for dinner.

Your partner is a cheeky fucker @Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat Why the hell does he declare that he's exempt from living expenses because your joint mortgage is paid off?! Being mortgage free is now of literally no benefit to you.

Once the mortgage was paid off, then living expenses should have changed to 50/50.

He's being a cheeky fucker. Stand up to him and do not accept this.

I am a bit like your DP and am frightened of not having enough to live on in retirement.
I also come from a poor, working class background and did know hunger as a child.
my DH comes from middle class background and never went hungry and there was always money.
He is a live for now person, I am a save for the future person.
I suggest getting professional advice and go from there. I only wish my DH would agree to this himself.

I appreciate everyone has different budgets but £3200 for bills food and petrol has me a bit gobsmacked as a single parent who brings home 1/3rd of that. Today I was checking my spending and added up the food spends for last month - £200. I would spend more if I had it but I have always been careful, never used credit and always have a security savings account. So I would say you definitely do not like to feel at all constrained at all on your spending and your husband has a fair point if you need to save.

Agreed

Yeah I meant DP has to work till 62 to get the full amount of state pension at 67. 1995 NHS pension can be taken at 60.
I have explained in previous post what the £3200 is spent on.

He's got a point about the coffee though - that's £20 a week, £80 a month, say £800 a year. Why don't you just take one out with you - it's as quick as stopping off to buy one!

I strongly advise you to see an independent financial advisor.

How Op spends her disposable money is her choice. Speaking as a non-coffee drinker.

What will he say when you refuse to comply with his plan?

Be ready with a reasonable alternative.

Have you sought advice on how best to save for your retirement?

So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left.

I'm really struggling here. That;s not how it is at all!

You have £3200 of which you can budget if you want to spend some of it on yourself, although you've already said that £150 is for clothes/toiletries, £350 is for eating out etc (so not sure what else you need?)

He has half that amount which he doesn't spend, he puts it in the joint pension pot. The rest of his income he puts aside for renovations and holidays for yourselves.

This is a rough expectation of NHS pension on 1995 scheme plus you’ll get your lump sum each so over 100k capital.

Remember no NI on pensions either.

He is being irrational and you work hard too so you should have a say.

What was his attitude like when your kids wanted to learn how to drive? Did he help them?

What makes him think he can get a state pension at 62? He may have enough years by then, but the pension doesn't start until 66!

To be honest, I would say there is some significant overspending going on there. I think you may have been a bit misleading in your posts if you are describing £350 per month on entertainment as bills and £800 on food???

He is harsh on the children but I can see why he wants to save a good chunk of the income.

He can get his NHS pension from 60 as he is in the 1995 scheme.

That's the root of the issue - OP wants to spend unhindered while her OP is being careful with their money and thinking of the future. He's not asking her to live on the breadline! Seems entirely reasonable to me that one partner wants the other to agree to stick to a (generous imo) budget! She could buy her coffee if she cut back on something else, but she doesn't seem to want to do that either.

Bollocks to this OP! You are not being unfair- he is. I cannot stand tightfistedness. I think it’s advisable to put a lot of your pay into your pension, as I always have done, and have some savings for a rainy day but I will not save obsessively at the cost of my life in the present. The future isn’t guaranteed.

Surely making additional payments in to your pensions is sensible, saves tax for a start though I’m unsure if NHS staff can do this. I have already retired and DH is chucking an extra 1k a month in to his.

This isn’t so much about the money, as it is about whatever is driving his extreme views on this.

Is he absolutely desperate to retire?

Is he pissed off he has to work more than you do?

Is he paranoid about the cost of retirement or care home fees?

You need to talk. Not easy with someone who won’t budge ordinarily but you can just say no until he does. He doesn’t get to dictate what happens. It’s not like he wants to live off your money: the savings account is for you both. The bills are for everyone. He’s not doing you over financially, he’s just lost his mind over something and you have to figure out what.

It’s also pretty amazing you’ve got your kids to adulthood with such disparate views on parental responsibilities…

Why should she cut back? Her pension is sorted, her mortgage is ending.

I think the best way to deal with this is to split the bills evenly now and BOTH agree to contribute X amount of pounds to the savings account each month. Then whatever free money you have left is yours.

The good news is, because your finances are separate he can't MAKE you 'fall in line', so don't! Feel free to tell him to stick his idea up his jacksie!

@Twillow OP wants to help her kids while her DP keeps a running tally spreadsheet on every penny he deems they owe him!

I meant it’s just a savings account in joint names that he calls pension fund
I was told I didn’t need to save on the side for my pension … it was ours… till he left after 23 years.

To be honest I am helping the kids as I think it’s the right thing to do. From the £3200 I pay for their travel and toiletries and some spends, I just don’t tell DP I do that.
He says he has taken control as I have not got a clue about finance which is strange thing to say as it’s me that has enough years worked that I will get full state pension at 67 and that I started a separate private pension when I was 17.

Did the girls ask him about driving lessons? What was his reply? If you can’t tell him you help them out with toiletries and travel I imagine he didn’t want to help them with driving lessons either?

Don't let him control your finances you work hard for your autonomy.