To tell him to stick his budget up his jacksie

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

I will start off to say I am aware that I am in a fortunate position financially so don’t wish to offend anyone.
DP and I are on the same pay scale within the NHS, however he earns about £300 a month more than me due to overtime. The trust I work for discourages payment for extra hrs so I tend to take time back for extra hours worked. I am happy with this.
we have separate bank accounts but share finances. Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. Now the mortgage has finished we looked at finances again. When I say we, basically DP came up with a plan and decided it was a done deal.
i will say that we would like to retire early 60’s. (We both have around 30 years NHS pension. ) Me hopefully at 60, DP a bit older as he hasn’t enough years for full state pension till 62. I have worked since I was 16, DP qualified at 26. Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views. Despite having NHS Pension and I also have a small private pension we need to, in DP’s head to save a good portion of our wages a month. I agree that we do need to save and I do need raining in a bit as I’m a bit of a spender, however DP is going completely over the top.
Basically what he has decided is, I will continue to pay bills and all of the food shopping petrol spends for the month which according to his budget spreadsheet should be around £3200 per month. As that is £400 more than I will earn he will transfer that to me, plus £1100 to pay for house renovations (our house is falling down around our ears since we prioritised paying off the mortgage) and money for holidays. So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left. He transfers that straight into our pension fund. If I overspend on our food and spends budget then DP says I just need to use the money he transfers for house and holiday fund.
Also both of our children are in university but at home. The youngest wants to go into student accommodation next year as it’s a bit of a trash for her to travel to university every day. DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us. At the back of my mind I am thinking he’s not concerned about her leaving home but more concerned that it may cost us money. The oldest he is also refusing to help out and has set up a spreadsheet for any money she owes us.
This is all doing my head in. I have told him there is times when you can’t help going over budget. I am aware however that I need to rain my spending in. He has become totally fixated on saving money but I have told him he’s coming across as a Scrooge, especially surrounding helping the DC’s financially through university. Or is he and I am the one being unreasonable.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

seriously you work hard for your money.
have as many coffees as u like and fk what he says! it wouldn't be so pathetic if it wasn't financial abuse. how dare someone tell u what you will be doing with YOUR money! seriously please tell him that plan won't be happening, bills get split 50/50 each month as and when they come and then you BOTH decide what to do with the rest. christ, this is one cheeky fuxker! make sure your kids know as well that their dad doesn't want to help him, show him for the person he is, a greedy barsteward

can the house money be spent on a new patio?
I think you need one.

I do think you might need to be a bit more open with “us” OP if you want genuinely useful advice. You admit you need to rein in your spending in your first post, later on you admit that the money includes £350/month for socialising which is a fairly hefty amount for most couples, then you talk about the bills being £1100 ( which doesn’t include food/social life/holidays/Christmas/ petrol) so basically either you are spending more than a grand a month on council tax, heating and water or you are paying off some hefty credit card bills within that.
if that is the case, whilst your DP is still being a controlling twat it is somewhat easier to see where he is coming from.

I think you want to 'rein in' your spending. There's nothing meteorological about it :o)

I can’t get my head around £800 a month on food, PLUS £350 eating out, for a family of four. We are five, high earners in an expensive area, eat mostly whole foods, have Ocado delivered and still are absolutely nowhere near that amount.

Sounds like you need to nip this in the bud now. Because when the time comes to use the ‘pension’ savings you’ll have absolutely no say in how the money is spent. Plus he will tell you how he was the one to put the money into the savings , not you. Split the bills 50/50 and set up your own individual savings pots. You aren’t married so doing things his way is going to leave you in a vulnerable position.

My uncle was a tight arse skin flint, actually famous amongst family & friends for it.
He insisted my aunt quit teaching because she “spent money on clothes.”
He refused to part with a quid for any of their kids’ education. And never did.
He met up with a group of friends each week for coffee, and while they all took turns paying, he’d insist on counting out coins for his own each time. He kept his coins in a little purse in his pocket. 🙄
He was the butt of every “tight joke” in town, to his face and behind his back. I remember one particular barb was “Christ - you’ve got to drop the check in his lap!” Or, “Ben, since you haven’t paid the last 40 times, you can get this check.” He really was that bad.
It was humiliating for his family and he didn’t care. He was wealthy, too, and he came from wealth.
He was just miserly.

I can’t honestly imagine being married to someone like that.
I hope your husband doesn’t turn into this, @Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat

Agree completely.

And why are you putting pension savings into what sounds like a savings account? Have you maxed out your annual allowance first or you are and have been missing out on tax relief.

If there's a good reason for the use of cash savings, it should be equally going into accounts in single names to protect your investments. Otherwise as PPs have said, one of you could just take the whole lot and run.

You are very unprotected here not being married.

He’s a man. Of course he is being unreasonable. Time to change the locks and dump his stuff on the drive.

Why aren't you married? It's not too late. You work in medicine, you must have seen cases where someone couldn't support their partner or make decisions for them because they weren't official next of kin. Can you use this as a reason to have a small (low-cost) wedding?

He's a fool who needs real financial advice. For a start if you dropped dead your pension would die with you as would his. Does he really want to see all that money vanish.

I suggest that you both find a financial advisor who will be a lot smarter than he is. We have an annual visit from ours. We moved our pensions into a portfolio years ago which has performed very well.

The advisor may well suggest that you get a marriage certificate for financial reasons.

He doesn't get to decide that you pay all the bills and he puts some money aside for house renovations/works.

You split the bills equally (as on similar wage) plus agree to an amount for house repairs leaving you both with equal spending amounts.
It's not acceptable for 1 person to pay all bills unless a sahp situation and doing childcare or a reason one can't work.

I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left

Aside from anything else, how does he justify that?

Heythink outta the box.dont retire
Do something different

if you dropped dead your pension would die with you as would his.

Well that's not accurate is it? We can nominate beneficiaries etc can't we?

NHS pension has death in service and pays small pension to nominated partner or children.

This sounds very like financial abuse. Why does he get to dictate how many takeout coffees you buy? Why does all your money have to go on bills/living costs whilst his gets “saved”? That could end very badly for you op when you’re unmarried. I’m married and would never agree to that.

All money should be pooled, all bills/outgoings paid, decide on an amount to put in pension pot and then whatever is left over split between the two of you.

And to not help your dcs when you can easily afford it is horrible. Stop letting the tight bastard tell u what to do.

@Startagainjanuary really? Have I missed an update after the OP?

"Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. "

The minutiae aside for a second - can you see how his behaviour is disordered?

How he's behaving and reacting to what he perceives as stressors, is not proportionate.

It really, really isn't.

woah - big NO! he is being absolutely unreasonable. he takes it upon himself to earmark ALL of YOUR earnings for bills and expenses?? under absolutely no circumstances agree to this - what is he on? make your own budget which takes jointly from earnings to pay expenses and then the rest should be split fairly. make sure you cover YOUR OWN bases and do not trust him with a massive chunk of monthly money to put into a "joint pension". seriously!?

The credit card bill was divided into two not all the DD bills that is how I interpreted it.

I thought you would appreciate the bold type as you seem to like it so much:

DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us

God how I hate selfish parents. Their children end up completely trapped.
I’d want to dump him for that, never mind his other ridiculous financial demands.

I wonder if he does other shitty things to the people he is supposed to care about most

I don't understand why he won't give some support to DC while they're studying. If he qualified at 26 was he entirely supporting himself through studies until then.

I think you need to find a middle way together. It sounds as if you are both being more stringent/profligate in response to the other.

Also, I think you want to REIN in your spending (control as you would a horse) not RAIN?

Nope.
£3200 + £1100 ÷ 2 = £2150 You each pay into bills holidays etc
Leaves you with £650 left over and him with £950.
then I'd allow £400 for each of you for spending or going over leaving £800 to top pension or £400 a month into each person's pension